I had a higher than average response to yesterday's blog. Some by private email, some on Facebook and weirdly I bumped into a guy I know on Oxford Street who mentioned it too. There's clearly something in the behavioural patterns I touched upon yesterday. This interests me.
The mails have mostly been to say people struggle with anger too. It seems I am not alone. They find it difficult to share openly or indeed privately and have been along the lines of, "Thank you for writing this. I identify and It gives me hope that I'm not alone." This is good to hear. Kind of makes this blog relevant and worthwhile.
Most people who have reached out to me, seem to say they suffer from the incredible intolerance, impatience, build up of pressure coupled with resentment and struggle to hold it together. Fuck me, I'm an expert in that seeing as I've blown my top so many times in the past. For the first 5 years of sobriety I was in people's phones as 'Angry Nick'.
This is also dangerous as you can start to play up to it and feel pleased with yourself that you have an identity. The ego loves this and can keep you in it for years.
I must make it clear I am not saying alcoholism has the monopoly on anger and rage. Far from it. Most people will suffer from anger. It is a real and basic human emotion. It comes in many forms for many reasons. Too many to list. But mostly when we feel we have been harmed against, mis-treated or abused. The natural response is to get angry, hurt or resentful.
For most, it is dealt with reasonably quickly. For addicts or alcoholics this emotion is usually maxed out to dramatic and harmful effects. We love a bit of resentment and this fuels the anger and rages. That's why the Big Book (AA bible) states Resentment is the number 1 offender. All kinds of awful character defects feed off this poison and end up ruining days, weeks, months, years, relationships, jobs, lives. It really is that harmful and why dealing with resentment is hugely important.
There is too much to cover in a daily blog post to really explore this topic (I feel a book coming on folks) however it is helpful to find out what is resentment. We know the name but do we understand what it REALLY means?
Resentment is the experience of a negative emotion felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done.
So it is an emotion that's negative directly as a result of real or perceived wrong doing. This is where alcoholism and non alcoholics differ.
Normal people usually get resentment over something real. Someone pisses them off. They get looked over for promotion, they get cheated on. Whatever. A life event that sucks causes a natural reaction of anger and resentment. This is normal.
Alcoholics on the other hand, because the disease effectively wants the 'carrier' to be miserable and do anything in it's power to take it closer to a drink or misery, will create an imaginary wrong doing. sharpen it, make it react off other defects (low self esteem, jealousy etc) and make it into a total monster. The rage, sense of injustice and anger is duly fuelled.
I've always to some or lesser degree lived in this. After all why let the facts get in the way of a good resentment? I cant tell you how many times my mind has instantly reacted badly to something, I've lashed out or acted on it, only to find out I was completely wrong later on. This is imaginary wrong doing and has caused me to say sorry so many times or buy endless bunches of flowers. Untreated alcoholism thrives in this behaviour.
That's why I do AA, a programme. To try and treat those defects. Trouble is sometimes I slip, forget and don't keep it up as often as I should and that way of thinking, because it is so naturally embedded in me, dominates and the anger boils over.
Ultimately it is all based on self and I create it. The only way to do something positive about it is to change the thinking, the reaction, the behaviour, so that I don't react, or lash out. That way is a lot better for the other person although Esso would lose my £4.99 business in buying apology flowers regularly.
There is where it becomes tricky to differentiate between natural anger and alcoholism. We carry so much from our past into the present. Old hurts, resentments & beliefs. When something happens in the present that triggers these old held experiences then BOOM, out comes the emotion. The trick here is to deal with the alcoholism (or alanon-ism) and then you will know if other help is required.
Some people believe in counselling or therapy to get to the root of the triggers. Fair enough but you could be there for a decade and spend a fortune. What happens if we are honest with ourselves ( I mean brutally honest) and highlight certain spots in our life that creates the anger. It cant be everyone else's fault can it?
For me part of it was my father leaving when I was 12. Part of it is the past of my dysfunctional family, part of it my alcoholism. Part of it is how I live my life now and look after myself. They are all linked.
Anger ultimately is a negative emotion. However it is an emotion. Some would have you believe that you are bad to have it. That you are somehow failing. Like a soul sickness. I'm not so sure.
Some people just don't have it. They have a naturally easy going persona and optimistic mind set. Lucky fuckers. But I applaud you. That's great. Some of us don't. Some of us are raging inside, especially in early days of sobriety and feel a sense of injustice, ego, impatience and intolerance. This coupled with a huge ego and low self esteem means most of us are on some kind of collision course with something or other.
So what happens then? If we listen to the people who demonise anger as something you shouldn't have. Do you bury it? Pretend it's not in you? What then?
I have seen so many people who claim they are not angry passive aggressive without even knowing, so tightly wound and full of anger you think they're going to blow with stress. It's laughable the depth of their denial. They are usually control freaks, OCD or just a massive pain in the arse. God bless them.
Some people bury it, yet are full of resentment without even knowing, this can cause them to become detached, cold, isolated and difficult to get close too. I have seen both types. Some are raging lunatics who fire off at all and sundry and end up getting banned from Bikram Yoga. Guess which camp I'm in?
Is people pleasing not a subtle form of anger too? What about silent resentment over a long period of time? Anger is not just in explosive rages, it takes many forms. Who's to say that those who bury anger don't create illness for themselves like depression or cancer. If so much negativity is internalised it can eat away at your soul/body/mind.
That's why I've always been a keen exponent of an old fashioned tear up. Yes of course blowing up can be harmful and have huge repercussions but you feel a fuck load better when all that pressure's been released. Trouble is you leave a trail of devastation that can significant consequences for you and others and is ultimately a hugely selfish act.
The key I guess, is to find a balance. To find coping mechanisms, safe ways to express your anger and avenues to process it safely. Like a safe tear up. Also how to manage yourself when the resentment and anger comes is crucial. All things I am finding out. There are so many processes.
Breathing deeply, yoga, writing down resentments and seeing your own part/sharing with a sponsor, prayer, meditation, therapy, law of attraction ,positive thinking, love. Ultimately if you are in love you cannot be in hate. It's that journey that is so fascinating. That's the book right there. How to go from hate to love by Nicholas Evans! (the other one who's not The Horse Whisperer)
The law of attraction suggests that if you talk about anger then you will become more angry. It suggests if you think loving thoughts and that's what you'll receive. I'm still trying that one.
It's reminds me of a story in the Big Book, which states;
"If you concentrate on the problem, the problem increases. If you concentrate on the solution. The solution increases"
Effectively I take this to be positive thinking, which I'm on board with. But you have to identify and accept the problem 1st before doing something about it. That's why I love this blog, why I love being open. Why I love you mailing me and identifying. It's powerful. The next trick is to find and engage with the process of change. As long as someone wants to do something about it, accepts having it then I'm right behind you. It's the denial of these things that winds me up in people. Plus the moralisers who claim not to have it and judge and criticise people that 'they're not working a programme'.
One of my favourite chapters in the Big Book is 'Spiritual Experience'. It states we learn a spiritual path of the educational variety. Which to me, means getting things wrong, making mistakes and learning how 'not' to do things.
Wise people do it naturally or after one attempt or learn from others, but some of us continually get it wrong until we finally give up and find outside help to do it another way. This to me, is a spiritual experience of the educational variety. I find it comforting.
Your disease of course can make you use it as an excuse for years. I have. Justifying my behaviour by saying, 'progress not perfection'. But who's to say you aren't changing by doing this. When is the time to change the time to change? Answer - When the universe says so.
It may take a girlfriend to end your relationship saying your behaviour is unacceptable, getting arrested or losing a job. Something dramatic to jolt you and show you that the anger and rage is not acceptable. Or maybe something less dramatic, just getting tired of being a certain ways. Whatever it is there is always a moment, a time in your life when you become willing.
As it says, "when the pupil is ready the teacher will emerge and when the teacher is ready the pupil will emerge."
So to wrap up. I'm interested in the process of change and how we can change anger. It's just the beginning in my eyes. I will explore this more this week. I just never wanted to be one of those people who claims spiritual perfection whilst behaving like Hitler in private. My Grandfather Idwell Isaac, a minster in public had a touch of that. Maybe that's why I'm so keen to be open. It hekps me and judging by the emails today, others too.
We haven't even dealt with those on the receiving end yet? I have only experienced being the instigator. I haven't been accountable until now. The people on the end of rage and anger are a different breed. A whole blog can be written about them.
Why? Because it's easy for me (as the one who explodes with rage) to be the bad guy and them (as the person receiving the rage) as the victim. Here we have good cop and bad cop and the one on the end is always the victim and felt sorry for.
But what part do they have to play? Do they put up with it for years? Do they set boundaries? How about their behaviour that can lead to resentment? What happens if they are unaware of their own defects and patterns of behaviour? Does the rager cop all the blame?
In some instances yes. If you dish it out you have to man up and take responsibility of unacceptable behaviour. But a closer look under the bonnet will usually expose all kinds of interesting stuff.
That's the annoying thing about rage, the initial beef usually gets forgotten and never addressed. It's happened to me for years. How can you deal with an initial problem when you've just created 10 dramatic headline ones? Then once, you have apologised the original problem lurks ready to pounce again. That I think is the root of many relationships. It's all about communication.
This is the insanity of anger and resentment particularly in bad relationships. It's waking up to these that's important and both exploring ways to get over them.
I thin I've written enough, Its a long one today but a subject you could literally write a book on. MMMMM, now there's a thought!!
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
For me
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