For someone who bangs on about AA, recovery and the subtle perils of alcoholic thinking, I really am a total moron sometimes. This is from someone who's a big fan of recovery.
As I described in yesterday's blog. The disease was rife in me head. So today I intended to treat that head with my medication, and go to a meeting to get back on track.
I finished work around 5ish and took the train back to Richmond. It was a beautiful day so when I got back to Richmond at 6pm I decided a cup of tea outside Costa in the early evening sun was in order.
As I sat there drinking tea and smoking cigarettes contemplating all the healthy things I could do with my evening, I listed them in order of priority.
1 - Bikram Yoga (chiropractor said no exercise for a few days, but what does he know?)
2 - Gym (as above)
3 - Sprint in the park (as above)
4 - Cycle on the turbo trainer at home (as above)
5 - Watch Man Utd v Bayern Munich (I hate Man Utd)
6 - Write my blog (I actually like that)
7 - AA meeting. (Do I have to?)
I was seriously wrestling with what to do. Nearly all of them involved making myself look physically good. All about the outside. Such is the importance I clearly place on that. The inside Job didn't enter my mind. Well, not until number 7 anyway.
The irony wasn't lost on my lunatic ego that whilst I sat there considering all these external fixes to make me look physically good I was heavily smoking and necking caffeine. That's what I'm up against see.
Then a member of AA went past, tapped me on the shoulder and we shared a cuppa. He was on the way to the 7pm meeting round the corner. Fuck, there was no way out now. If that's not a sign I didn't know what is.
We shared a chat about women and how difficult relationships are, (we didn't come to any conclusions and NO girls we didn't put the blame at your door, though you are hard work - but then again we both agreed, so are we. Score draw ) he disappeared off to the meeting and I went to retrieve my car, saying, "I''ll see you up there in 30 I'm just going to pick up my car,"
My head still had time to consider bailing and rejig the list in my head. AA this time went up from number 7 to number 3. Then my best mate in recovery rang me, I hadn't spoken to him in weeks and he let me know a guy we knew 9 years sober hung himself a few weeks ago.
Suddenly there was no arguing. AA became number 1.
I parked up, went in, heard a top reading, identified strongly, felt myself relax, breath easier, feel at ease and said to myself, "why the fuck do I do that to myself, I so need these meetings." Self sabotage of the highest order. What a lucky boy I am.
Onto more mundane matters, The Times didn't carry the whole, 'Nick lost his Laptop' story this morning. Sky News didn't put out 'Breaking News' and the Police didn't do a media appeal. It was a news blackout. Plus those useless sicko's in lost property didn't call either. They're probably too busy counting their fingers. The laptop is still lost.
There is a positive side to that though. I'm using a work laptop so I'm unable to use the Internet for any fruity material. Perhaps losing it was the universe's way of telling me something. Read a book, do something constructive. Don't watch porn. It rots your soul, makes you withdraw and is bad for your spiritual health. I cant argue with any of that so perhaps God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. Perhaps that's how the change is being delivered. Enforced.
If it means I feel lighter, brighter and more spiritually connected then that's great. Besides if someone uses the laptop at work and taps into the web browser to discover 'Red Hot Lesbian Lovers 1,2.3 and 4' I could be trouble. I best stick with Ebay me thinks. Much safer. I'll be a spiritual giant before you can say, 'click top right to hide the search history'. My ego doesn't give in that easily.
I think I should say cheers to my higher power tonight. It saved me from myself. Nice one God. Top man (being, woman, presence, whatever you are)
Together We are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
No comments:
Post a Comment