Day 295 - Sun 4th November - Weird scenes inside the Goldmine

OK readers. It stops here. Clearly there are some haters out there. That's OK. It's the way of the world and I guess sometimes you just have to accept that and move on. If you know your truth inside then that's all that counts.

I'm regulating comments not because I can't handle criticism. It's gone beyond that to people providing a running commentary on me and my life. Er isn't that what I'm doing? Why do they need to? Why not do a running commentary of their own?  It's not even debate. Plus it's effectively character assassination and on a bad day I do enough of that to myself I don't need trolls doing it too. Then of course it gives people a public forum to write their own thoughts down and distracts from the blog. If they want to start their own they are more than welcome and good luck to them. I'm not prepared to offer people a public forum to do their own writing on mine.

I don't claim this blog to be amazing or important. Last time I looked they weren't reporting it on Sky News. The reason i started writing it has been lost. It's just one guy writing a daily log of thoughts, actions and yes of course some days will be totally mundane. That's what daily life is. I don't claim to be enlightened, or amazing or indeed have any answers for life. I have a long way to go myself. I wouldn't dare claim to be sorted. The only thing I can regulate other than comments, is me and my actions and believe me I have a way to go in that department.

Surely the title of this blog answers all you need to know? 'Don't you know who I think I am?' - This is a piss take against myself for being too egotistical and thinking I'm someone when I'm not. One mans journey to get over himself and his sodding Ego. A has been who never was. Christ the alcoholic ego is a frenzied beast when given the opportunity. That's what this sodding blog is all about. I've just spent a week fending off people accusing me of all the above. Fuck me, i actually say what I am in the title.

Some readers may have joined this blog late so don't know the history behind it or reasons for doing it. I thought it maybe a good idea to try and explain it. Though to be fair it's not exactly riveting; It's either this or Country Life, and that article on tweed is looking mighty attractive right now.

I read a charming book at Christmas called 'What I talk about when I talk about running' by Haruki Marakami. A story about a Japanese bar owner who became a novelist and took up marathons and running to help with his daily discipline. He talked about how doing something every day can help to change your life and thinking. Something I need! It is a sweet and profound book and I liked it.

I was due to run the London Marathon for Action on Addiction in April 2012 (something close to my heart), so I decided to write a daily blog to chart the daily training and see if I could change my natural laziness and do what it took to run a sub 3 hour 30 marathon. This would mean going outside my comfort zone and doing new disciplines. In short it would involve change. I have rarely done anything every day, other than blinking or moaning, so it would prove to be a good challenge.

That was the premise for the blog and I wrote every day. It was also a great medium to unload my head, thoughts and battle against myself & ego. This seemed to come out in the blog and since the marathon I have kept it up and continued. The marathon was a symbol for my life. Would i make the changes? Would i take advice and follow a programme or go my own way, do the marathon in 3 hours 50 but know deep down I could have done better if I applied myself? Would I fuck.

I did the it (read the entries from marathon day in April it is very funny) my way and didn't end up making the changes. I ran it in 3 hour 50 but knew I could have done better. The outside world says 'well done you did it and it's a decent time; but inside I knew the truth. An epitaph for me?

I decided to continue writing this every day for 2012, to see if my head changed, to see if the ego was sated. To chart the pattern of a year.

It has developed. I have enjoyed it. The writing has improved according to people who read it regularly. I have covered a range subjects and yes I admit the most popular one has been ME!. The self obsessed, self absorbed raging alcoholic.I actually walked past a shop in Fulham recently that was a beauty salon called 'Me. Me. Me'. I thought, how apt for an alkie.

However, I like to think that I have covered some subjects other than me. It gets a bit samey and boring otherwise doesn't it? Nothing worse than hearing someone talk about themselves all the time.

I'm sure we've all been on a date when someone just keeps talking about themselves? You usually last about 20 minutes before you want to activate that phone call from a pal and feign an emergency to leave quickly. It's ugly and a trap I must fight hard not to fall into.

I suppose if there is one thing I'd like this blog to be about then it's about it being OK to express thoughts, insecurities, problems, inner battles. There are so many people that cover up their own problems by attacking others. I have done & still do that, hurting people in my life based upon selfish actions. It's always the chronic selfishness that does it. This blog i suppose if nothing else is about the inner truth. Sounds a bit wanky that doesn't it? It's about finding out who you are, even if what you see is not very nice. The real issue is facing it and then of course putting off doing something about it by indulging in as many distracting behaviours as possible. That's what this blog is really about. Bullshitting yourself!!! Distractions. Avoiding the hard yards and pain. That's my real truth if I'm being brutally honest.

Love addiction , co-dependency, alcoholism, addiction, chronic self hatred, low self esteem, sloth, fear, greed, gluttony, arrogance and intolerance. They are all there. Bubbling away somewhere. Sometimes prominent and a driver in life, sometimes buried and dormant waiting to leap out.

There is little point in trying to display yourself as something you're not. Even though I have on many occasions. (add hypocrite to my many character traits) I have many defects. Many 'issues'. We all have. I'm not unique on that score. There are some things that are buried so deep. So ingrained they remain hard to shift. There are many areas of course i don't want to shift. Sometimes i love my defects and wallow in them, allowing them to dominate my life. The consequences to this are never far behind.Usually someone else is hurt and of course myself.

Most humans have shit going on. Most people have their own 'issues'. Some more than others. There are so many outlets for this. Shrinks, medication, fellowships, shopping. Whatever it is that gets people by.

The really hard place to be though is alone. Stuck in your head. Without a place to go, voice to hear, person to share it with. We are as sick as our secrets and I've had too many of those bastard things over the years. Even saying 'I'm Ok', when you're not is a secret. Very subtle. Listening to my head is like arguing with a lunatic. It is never ending. I guess this blog holds a mirror up to that pesky internal dialogue and shows the utter futility of the negative head and living in defects. So why do I do it so bloody much?

It's when the head takes over that i experience trouble. Then I'm in a dodgy place. Look out me and others. Trouble's ahead. So just for today I'm not going to think, be in my head or listen to myself.

Today was all about family, Roast Beef, roast parsnips & chocolate cake. I suffered from meat sweats, such was my consumption. I'm pretty sure I heard my colon saying 'no more' but of course i ploughed on regardless until I couldn't move or speak. Good job I'm not much of an over eater is it? Oh fuck another thing to add to the list................

xx













It has provided me a valuable lesson though. To regulate my own behaviour. If I don't I'll efectively be like the weird commenters