Day 313 - Fri 23rd Nov - The Perfect Relationship

Is there such a thing as the perfect relationship? Today I was inspired by a piece in the Metro newspaper.

Before I begin. ** A disclaimer. ** I hereby decry I am the worst person in the world to discuss or have any answers for relationships. I make Zsa Zsa Gabor look stable. Although I've never been married I could have been on a few occasions and  I speak on behalf of the crap single male commitment phobe at 40 refusing to grow up or settle down brigade, so I'm no Clare Rayner. It's of course all driven by fear and selfishness. But having had a few of them I thought it would be fun to explore the perfect relationship.

A recent study of 2000 men and women by Remington found the general consensus, 'there is no such thing as the perfect relationship'. It found that men rated their partners at 67% whilst women rated their men as 69% (you would have thought it should be the other way round). 50% of couples agreed they had found 'the one', which is pretty alarming seeing as the other half are just biding their time before something better comes along or are just scared of being alone.

None of the men questioned (2000) agreed their partner was 100% flawless (unless they were after a blowie) and 80% said they would never meet their perfect woman. (Basically someone with massive tits who cleans, cooks, stops by every now and again for rampant sex and knows the offside law).

It's a comprehensive top 20 list of what men and women found annoying in their partners. It will take too long to go through all 20 so the Headline news is that women get annoyed by their partners leaving skids in the toilet, watching too much sport, being lazy, criticising her driving, leaving clothes on the floor, being unkempt, farting in front of her, etc etc. Er, they needed a survey to come up with that? You don't need to go out with a bloke to come up with that list, it's called being a bloke. The weird ones on the list are not liking dogs (we've all been there after 8 pints) & not being good with children.(er post Jimmy Saville I thought that's a plus point?)

What I found surprising what didn't make the list. Cheating, giving your partner an STD, heavy drinking, domestic violence, gambling, losing the house, unemployment, bullshitting, bad breath, picking nose/arse, heavily skidded underpants, bad taste in clothes and dancing. That's a pretty annoying line up.

For women apparently blokes get annoyed by them watching soaps, nagging, cleaning, trying to change their dress sense (er what dress sense men - shut it) farting, having last word, not making an effort with friends (careful too much effort involves bedding them) leaving 'girly' things around (what they mean OK magazine and dusters?) unsafe driving and having the last word. OK granted some of those are annoying but it's what women do. Why get annoyed?

In my experience women like men to be men. Drive too quickly, grow facial hair, dress slightly wrong, watch sport, do blokey things. As long as you appreciate your woman, meet her halfway, deliver multiple orgasms and buy her a bunch of Carnations from the Esso garage once in a while you're OK (spot the 3 year itch man there maybe I need a rethink)

What they they missed out on the list though:

Not speaking to you for ages, asking you what they look like in a particular piece of clothing and getting the hump when you say 'nice', not doing anal, blaming you for being insensitive, shoving you down the list when you have kids (apparently), sleeping with your best mate, cutting up your clothes in an argument, not doing deep throat, not letting you do what you want when you want too, being terrible at directions, always going off on a tangent in an argument or most infuriatingly keeping calm, always reading the instructions, being wiser, calmer & better at decisions. All pretty annoying stuff.

Anyway here's the list from today's Metro:

Now as i say I cannot really judge this one. I have never had a relationship that's lasted longer than 3 years. I've been out with some lovely lovely girls over the years. I guess a combination of fear, not allowing people to be who they are, intolerance and being immature has prevented me from taking the plunge or going out for longer. Plus coming from a home where i saw a long unhappy marriage never helps. Oh and I'm a difficult bastard.

I've also had a series of what I like to term 'relationshits'. You cannot really call them proper relationships, more 'happenings'. Either based solely on lust, or, well lust. I've got to be honest there.

I suppose you married folk or people who have been in long term relationships will be able to judge this better. But it appears there is no such thing as the perfect relationship. Is there?

What a horrible place to be if 50% of the men say they haven't met 'the one' or 80% think they'll never find a perfect fit. That's just shit. How must their partners feel? Surely it's better to not be in one than be in one 50%? No woman deserves that.

What makes a proper relationship? Love, respect, need, desire, friendship. Everyone loves to feel loved and wanted and needed. Everyone loves the security and warmth that comes from sharing your life with someone. When someone KNOWS the real you. Notices small things you do. It's such a lovely feeling. Problems arrive when you don't fit or when you fall into something based on insecurities or self centred fear.

For instance everyone has an element of co-dependency but usually in alcoholics this goes off the scale and people get drawn together more out of their own fears and weaknesses than out of respect and true love. I know this as I have done this on many occasions (not all but some) That is not a healthy relationship. I have acted on fear or weakness before. I didn't realise i was doing it or was powerless to stop it but it happened. Not good as you are effectively playing with someones emotions.

You know people who are off and on, constant dramas, delete number, never contact me again and then they're back together. Or celebs getting married after 23 days. It's an insane ride. A buzz and when you get caught up in it, it's a buzz, a high almost another form of addiction.

However I digress. I'm going off into a whole new blog topic. Love and sex addiction and co-dependency. A touchy subject for a man as we're supposed to be strong and non dependant right? Bollocks. Most men are more co-dependant than women. There is even the phrase 'behind most great men is a greater woman'. We're just better at hiding it. I grew up with one as a Father. I know my onions on that score.

Back to the article. There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. Well, maybe. What is a perfect relationship? Nobody is perfect. We are human after all. Full of imperfections. We make mistakes all the time. No-one can claim perfection other than Simon Cowell of course. But then again he's a massive closet gay if ever i saw one.

So if we are imperfect surely you can't have a perfect relationship. And what is one? Do people think a perfect relationship is like your wedding photos? All smiling, in love, family, friends, surrounded by perfect images of perfect love. Well i guess if you've got 3 kids running around naked, shitting on the floor, dog chewing up the curtains and mortgage bills coming through the door that perfect wedding snap is a distant memory.

And what of the people who seemingly have perfect relationships? The Facebook family. Snapshots of perfection you see online or at parties. 'They seemed such a lovely couple' before he stabbed his wife and killed the family. Who the fuck knows what goes on in people's lives or relationships.

Someone described love a long time ago to me and I may have written this before so forgive me(I've done so many blogs now I can't keep up). They described love to me as 2 Oak trees. Strong roots in the ground and trunks. Individual but strong and then love is the branches that intertwine. Growing together but individuals too. I love that analogy and have kept that in the back of my mind.

Yes there are many annoying traits to partners. I have been guilty in the past of not accepting my girlfriend at the time. For how they were. Trying to change them to do as I want them too. Big mistake. Who wants to be with someone who's critical? One of my biggest achilles heel. Live and let live and concentrate on the good points for why you were attracted in the first place is surely the answer. Though again people who have been together for ages will be able to shed more light on that than me. I'm clearly rubbish at it.

Are we a product of our childhood? Possibly. Chances are if you come from a home where divorce was the norm you are less likely to want to get married. Again certainly the case for me. But not the rule. I actually believe in marriage, in unity, in love, in togetherness and if she can bake a mean Victoria Sponge and fuck like a shithouse door when the plagues in town then all the better

In my opinion the survey is bollocks, mundane and superficial. If those are a reasons for splitting up you should never have got together in the first place. But that's the beauty of life. We can never make perfect decisions all the time. There would never be divorce or arguments would there? Relationships are hard. Maybe even the hardest human test. Sometimes you have to be pragmatic and play to your circumstances. It can't be Love Actually all the time. Can it? I want Hollywood blockbuster but unfortunately life isn't like that is it?

So what is the secret for a perfect relationship? Here it is. A man lived on a small boat with his wife for 30 years and never had an argument. When asked what the secret to a long and happy relationship was, he said 'It's simple. Two words'. "What are they?" asked the interviewer. He replied "Yes Dear"

Amen

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