Day 293 - Fri 2nd November - Day after night before

Ever thought of the soundtrack to your life?  I know I'm not in a good space when I don't listen to music. When I have music it is considerably richer. It made me contemplate the music to mine.

All I could come up with so far was 'You're so vain' by Carly Simon. I'll work out the rest soon but I reckon that about covers it.

At the moment I'm addicted to 4 tracks. Playing them continuously. Obviously the new James Bond film is out, so I'm listening to a bit of Bond. Top 3 Bond tracks?

Live and let Die - Wings - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sn8alMYSu44 (my favourite Bond film ever. The Roger Mooreosourous in his prime with Solitaire. Bang on)
Nobody Does It Better - Carly Simon - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNA7DcVppEs
Diamonds are Forever - The Bassey - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTIu_wwxkQI

Then my 4th track I'm addicted to (listened to it 18 times today so far)

In a Heartbeat - John Murphy (Soundtrack on 28 days later) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST2H8FWDvEA - What a track.

Bit of a slow day after comedy, that and litres of diet coke, cigarettes and stress of course doesn't help.

The anonymous commentators have been at it again. The 'Ex alcoholic' (I'll come onto that term later as it amuses me) and a new one who clearly shows signs of being one (seeing as they described my meetings as full of neurotics and moaners - clearly someone who used to go or needs to) All good stuff. The new one decided to assasinate me which caused me considerable mirth seeing as they were so wildly inaccurate. It was beautifully both ignorant and arrogant at the same time. An impressive combination.

Firstly lets deal with the topic if putting a blog up publicly meaning you are fair game for abuse & criticism. On reflection this is quite right. If I write so publicly every day then I can't complain if some of the comments are nasty. I'm not after having smoke blown up my ass or praise. Obviously good comments are nice and gives you a little boost by the same token nasty ones always smart a little & make you question yourself.

This is new territory for me so I'm learning. It is little use getting into arguments or slagging matches or trying to 'win' an argument with a faceless anonymous person. We are all different with our own personalities, characteristics, beliefs and insecurities. Some deal with them in other ways. Live and let live is probably the best moto I can live my life by. It's just a massive waste of time getting into petty points scoring. Even though my ego is desperate to be right. So yes I am fair game for abuse. I can accept that and it's good to learn these things.

Secondly lets deal with the term 'ex alcoholic'. What a peculiar phrase. People can describe themselves however they want, say what they want. Live like they want. I have no beef with that. But for me 'ex alcoholic' is odd.

I am a firm believer in once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. Alcoholism is generally in people not bottles. If one thing I have learnt throughout my life and from bitter personal family experience alcoholism has very little to do with drinking. Take alcohol away from an alcoholic they are still an alcoholic. They think like one, act like one, have an alcoholic personality. It is a disease of the mind and soul and untreated alcoholism even without booze is hugely destructive. In fact it can cause even more harm sometimes as there is no drunken drama but a 'dry drunk' can cause massive destruction.

I speak for myself that when I have been in my sobriety away from a 12 step programme, my thinking, behaviour and character defects really take off and tend to dominate my personality. I become arrogant, intolerant, bitchy, crabby, fearful, self piteous and angry. (A bit like the 'ex alcoholic' who cheerful imparts their warped wisdom upon this 'little blog')

Basically my behaviour becomes ugly and the weird thing is I actually think I'm OK. In other words I'm blind to it. It's a very subtle form of insanity I constantly suffer from. Now I am not claiming it in a 'poor me' way as there are numerous awful diseases and conditions out there that are far worse. I have a solution when I choose to use it that helps to dampen down these rampant defects and makes me live life and become a normal member of the human race and society. it makes me useful rather than useless. Surely my role is to aim for that. It's what I would prefer to be.

But it really shows most people's ignorance to the disease of alcoholism. It's alcoholism not alcoholwasm. Most people miss that, which is why for me the term ex-alcoholic is just someone in denial of what they have and display all the characteristics of alcoholism. They to me are the most dangerous type of person as they are also sanctimonious and beyond any form of humility or approach. There is little to be gained in the way of dialogue. I have been there myself many time,s seen it with own members of my family and was raised by one throughout my childhood. it is a subject i am passionate about and for me, i guess there are no coincidences, so why has someone displaying all of these characteristics taken upon themselves to lay into me and my blog? If you spot it you've got it is the age old term and I think that's certainly the case.

Otherwise why would you engage in an intellectual argument on a blog. One could just read something and if they didn't like it then stop reading it and do something else. I identify with that vitriolic need to be heard, to be right, to belittle others to make myself feel superior. To boost my ego when underneath I'm struggling. It was my modus operandi when I was drinking and is something I find so easy to click back into when I veer away from a 12 step programme.

That's not to say that a 12 step programme is a straight jacket, or a brainwashed thing. It merely gives me freedom to be me and not live in my character defects every day. Trouble is a forget and lapse back into them almost on an hourly basis. Still I'm committed to the process of change. I'm prepared to accept I'm the problem. And as the daily reflections reading says on my birthday every year, which is a lovely reminder and sums me up;

"There is a long period of reconstruction that lies ahead." - I love that because it allows me to be imperfect and as long as I'm willing to change it means that eventually I will get there. The Americans call it 'slowbriety' which i love. It means it takes ages to turn around the big tanker of alcoholism and mould into something else. And even then you are not changed, it just means you tend not to live and act and think in your defects so much. At least thats what the wise old timers tell me and they have something I want so i believe them and keep going. Not a bad deal is it really?

If there was a disease sale. I'd pick alcoholism over others any day. There are some true horrors. I saw my Nan waste away to nothing from Cancer. I've seen people I know with severe mental illnesses and there are so many other awful things. I am so very fortunate to have something that although if untreated kills people (see my father for classic example) or can produce a life of misery, that if it's treated in a simple way on a daily basis, doesn't really affect anything or anyone and can become a normal ordinary member of the human race. I'll settle for that I think.

So this little alcoholic (although sober and not drinking I'm still an alcoholic) on this little blog says fire away commentators. If you think you're right then go for it. Be right. Be clever and score points and be intellectually superior and have a pop. It doesn't really matter does it? I mean who cares right? Who cares what I think? What you think? The sun's still going to come up and go down, the world still turns. Your life and head is your business. Mine is mine (although obviously like a right knob head I share it with you and the world by writing it in a public blog. Nick!)

What really counts is when you can look yourself in the mirror, feel in your heart. Did you do your best? Did you do a good thing today? Did you learn something? Did you show any humility? Did you help someone? Did you take stock of your own behaviour? Did you try to belittle someone? Were you OK? You know in your heart if your behaviour was off. If you did wrong, apologise and make amends. If you did right then give thanks and go again the next day. The real problem is when you don't even think any of that and thinjk you're right and everyone else is a wanker. Look under Insane in the dictionary for that one.

Bottom line is I'm pretty comfortable with me. Yes I've a long way to go. Many improvements to make. But is that not part of our human experience? Fuck me if we were all perfect like our anonymous public figure friend where would we have to go? To strive for? I'm enjoying writing. I'm not expecting anything grand I'm just finding it a fascinating process. The comments this week have been enlightening. I admit they did shake my self confidence a little (it can be a little paper thin sometimes - bit thats just ego I got over it)

I have learnt some valuable lessons so thank you freaky weird bitter commentators. You can come again. Oh and my lesson? Don't stop going to meetings. If i do I may just turn into them.

Ok readers. Thanks for baring with me. I know it must have been dull to read a childish tit for tat argument online. And yes I was rather touchy and sensitive & pre-occupied this week. But hey, guess what? I'm human It's over now. They can write what they want, I'll get back to attempting some kind of humour tomorrow I promise. After all what is life without laughing at yourself? I lost that ability this week and took myself far too seriously. Christ I may aswell have changed my name to Donald Trump. Then again how can anyone take themsleves too seriously with that hair.

Have a tidy weekend. Me love you long time

xx

xx