Day 316 - Mon Nov 26th - Changing, Prayer v Masturbation & Blockbusters

That's the longest title yet. Pretty eclectic.

The weekend were my shortest posts yet. Why? If I'm honest I felt decidedly under par, under the weather and mentally low. I didn't want to write yet another moanathon and self obsessed whine. It was self imposed misery and there's only so much you can keep sharing that shit with the world. So I kept it short and simple.

I wrestled with it for quite a while. On one hand should I put down exactly how I feel in the interest of honesty and integrity of my writing. On the other hand I was bent out of shape and it would have been grim reading. On balance I did the right thing. This morning I woke up refreshed and renewed  and after a meeting feel human once again. When my head's gone I lack perspective and then in that moment you can write all kinds of negative shit which isn't a true reflection of where you are at. So sometimes it's best to let it pass. It did. So here goes today's blog. Eyes down.Strap In. Let us begin;

Change

A tricky subject. Change apparently is good. They say we must move forward and keep changing. I certainly need to, particularly in recovery. If I stand still and wallow in my own mentallness i get bogged down and end up in dangerous territory. Whether it be acting badly, not doing the right thing, being miserable or hurting people (including myself) It always ends badly. Too much of that without meetings etc will inevitably lead me back to drinking and that's not something i want to do.

I went to a meeting today and the topic was a Higher Power, God, Self will and self reliance. It made me think. After struggling for a few months hitting a series of lows. I handed my drinking and alcohol over to something higher than me 11 years ago and the desire to drink somehow left me. I am now neutral to it. I never gave it up. I never quit. The desire to drink was just removed. It just happened. I prayed every day (fuck knows what to or why) but it took 6 months until the pain got too much and I'd had enough. I admitted defeat and I haven't taken a drink since. I have kept that going every day for 11 years and it has worked so far. Nice one God (again) I can't take credit for that one.

If I know that why am I not prepared to give other areas of my life over to a power greater than me? Work, money, finance, status, porn, relationships, sex, food, me. I don't want to trouble the Guvnor with these so i get on with running the show myself. Result? Fucking disaster in most of them and continuing problems. An addictive personality means i bottom out on most of them and make a right balls up of things. But have I had enough yet? Has the pain got too much?

I get into pain. I want to change. I call up people. I make lists, my intentions are there and then the day after or when it dies down i forget about it and go back to normal. It never really fixes it or gets to the heart of the problem. I guess i just ignore it again and hope it will go away. It's a little like drinking. Swearing off. Saying I'll never do it again. And then after it has all died down you're back on it again. A form of insanity.

I suppose I'm not ready for deep change. I actually enjoy some of my defects of character, or am so used to them giving them up is like making Piers Morgan watchable. They say you have to hit rock bottom to do something about areas of your life. But the wise man doesn't wait for that. Unfortunately I'm not a wise man.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things i can and the Wisdom to know the difference. I think maybe a bit of praying for courage and wisdom maybe in order.

Prayer v Masturbation

Talking of praying, if it is such a powerful weapon (no pun intended on masturbation) then why do i spend so little time doing it or at least cultivating my understanding of it? For years I got my priorities wrong. 20 minutes flicking the Bishop and 2 minutes praying meant that I went to sleep tired & spiritually empty. If I reversed this process I'd be like Mahatma fucking Gandhi. Maybe that's where I've been going wrong all this time. Time for a rethink. More time spent nurturing my spiritual connection rather than my wrist.

Blockbuster

Talking of making a mess. I Rejoined Blockbuster today. What a shit hole the Twickenham one is. Roof leaks and there is a vague smell of bodies decomposing. Never a pleasant mix for a shopping experience. And why do they always employ fat goths? Going in there is like stumbling into a Dungeons & Dragons Meeting. I still prefer it to Net Flix though as I'm quite old fashioned in liking actually going into a store. Don't get me wrong, I hate Blockbuster with a passion, it's such a shame that the big corporates plus Netflix and Internet movies have faded out the independent video shops. I remember them in the 80's when you had grubby little men in baseball caps behind the counter and you always tried to get Porkies or Caligulla or 'Confessions of' out when you were 15. And of course you'd always ask for Under the counter videos. Debbie Does Dallas a particular favourite. (I will tackle the subject of how porn has changed over the years in a blog soon. Magazines to videos to DVD's to Internet)

There was a great place in Balham called Mr Video. The dude behind the counter was Mr Video. A proper film buff. He saw everything, wrote his own scripts and was ultra knowledgeable. You would pick a couple of movies out and ask him what they were like.

The Perfect Murder? "Solid Hollywood Thriller". OK I'll get that. Secretary?"Bleak and pretentious, More outhouse than art house. OK if you like David Lynch. But a poor imitation. Try it but you won't like it". He was genius and i trusted him entirely on his choice. In the end i would go there tell him the mood I was in and he would pick one out for me. Like a personal shopper in movies. Superb.

Hungover and just need no thought film. "Easy, Leon. Great Thriller. Easy on the eye" Thanks Mr Video. Feeling alert and clever? "Go Ill Postino. Clever, Sweet and beautiful cinematography". Thanks Mr Video.

I wanted to ask him about every decision in my life he was that knowledgeable. Shame he got sent down for Video piracy. I think it was Pirates of the Caribbean. Kind of Ironic really.

You don't get that level of service in Blockbuster. Just dead bodies smell, fuck loads of cheap popcorn and a bloke who looks like he's stuck popcorn to his fat Goth face., Oh hang on that's acne. Sorry.

Movies That Reflect You

I plumped for 2 videos. Shame. A exploration of a middle aged sex addict which highlights the utter loneliness, sadness and emotional disconnection of someone completely addicted to sex of all forms. It also has fine selection of knitwear, men's scarves and a top class 3 some scene.  (My Mum sent me a review of this film when it came out at the Cinema - that's not a good sign is it?)

The other film was Ted, about a childish teddy bear who swears, smokes and is totally inappropriate and filthy. Again a bit close to home. I'll watch that tomorrow/

It made me think that it's fun getting movies out that reflect you. What would yours be? The ones that reflect you? Do you know it immediately or need time to think? As long as it's not Human Centipede then you're OK. Try playing that game with your partner and see what he/she gets you. If it's American Psycho you need to talk.

Worst Film Rented Scenario

The worst video I rented was years ago when my Nan was visiting my mum at Xmas. We were watching TV and i suggested "why don't I get a film we can all watch?". Off I popped to Dirty Barry's Video Emporium and for the life of me I don;t know why and baring in mind the family had endured 25 years of alcoholic madness through my father and brother I decided to rent, in my infinite wisdom 'Leaving Las Vegas'. A film about a bloke who drinks himself to Death.

My Nan was 80 odd at the time and had hardly been out of Llanelli. A Church going, non drinking, no swearing Christian old school Welshwoman. In the first 30 minutes there were 34 fucks, 16 motherfuckers, 12 cocksuckers and 2 Jesus Christs. The lead character drank himself to death & I felt so uncomfortable for around 45 minutes until the Gang rape scene finished us off. The film was switched off and Emmerdale was put on. "Well -e - by Gosh" as my Nan used to say "I much prefer Emmerdale". We are stunned to silence. What was i thinking?

It was good to watch a movie tonight and feel reasonably comfortable in my own skin. I started writing again and have decided to try and cut down on the diet coke and start meditating for 2-5 Min's in the morning. Trying to change my morning routine just a little helps the process of change. I have been stuck in a rut for the past few weeks and it started to really bug me over the weekend. I even bought some carrots and Greens today. Looking after myself is not my strongest point.

Self compassion is something that grates on me. But clearly something i need to do more of. Diet, behaviour, looking after yourself, sleep etc. All the basics really. Being single and living alone can sometimes lead to self absorption and it is frustrating to read and watch. i guess people with kids, families, busy jobs etc would not identify. But sometimes we get into ruts and patterns of behaviour that are really hard to get out of.

Anyway enough of my drivel today. Have a good week readers not even the never ending rain and grey skies can get me down today. It's so good to feel human again

xx