Day 305 - Thurs 15th Nov - A Blokes Guide to Bikram Yoga

I've been practicing Bikram off and on for several years. I have a rather love hate relationship with it and my anger has got me into trouble. 'The day I was barred from Bikram Yoga' has been my best read blog to date. 500 read +, so on the request of a few people I have put together a 'blokes guide to Bikram Yoga. Here it is;

A Blokes Guide to Bikram in 10 Easy Steps

Step 1 - The first step is the doorstep. Getting Started.

Actually getting in the door to do a class is the hard bit. Blokes don't like to take direction or orders. Therefore standing in a class with a teacher ordering you into 26 different postures is as appealing as an evening with Freddie Starr & Dave Lee Travis. Why do Bikram yoga? Most blokes like to practice 2 postures. Laying down in bed/sofa and standing in the pub. Anything else is generally considered 'a waste of time'. Bikram Yoga offers flexibility, peace, calorie burning to get rid of the beer gut and man tits and most crucially a 6 females to every 1 male ratio. These stats alone are enough to drag the blokest of blokes to the studio

Step 2 - Male Pride. How to do it & Becoming Teachable

Most blokes will have the catchphrase, 'I know that'. A bloke will never like to be seen not to know how to do something. Even if it means doing it totally wrong they would rather eat their own piles than ask someone how to do it. This is Male Pride, or as women commonly know it 'stupidity'. Blokes are generally dumb it's just most of us don't like to admit it.

We don't like walking into a class full of strangers, particularly in front of women and being a novice at something. It affects the male pride and effectively renders you cock less.

Most blokes will ask lots of questions first to their girlfriends or ask 'on behalf of a mate'. Trying to glean as much information as possible before taking the plunge. Men can't quite bring themselves to say 'I'm frightened of looking a twat', so will mask this with lots of bravado and put it off.

There is no getting around it boys. You have to take the plunge and make a knob of yourself for the first few classes until you get the hang of it. My tip is not to do what I did and leave an absence of 5 years between your 1st and 2nd class. It makes it hard to remember the 26 postures.

Final tip is to go to a 'Mummy' shift class. One at 10am when the only women in the class are OAP's or exhausted Mummies who couldn't give 2 fucks about you anyway.

Step 3 - What to wear

Clearly it depends on what kind of shape you're in. It is a well known fact that most blokes are lardy. Too long spent down the pub talking about doing things takes it's toll. If the gut and man tits are too large and blokes feel self conscious then clearly the outfit has to be baggy t-shirt and Umbro football shorts bought from Sports Direct for £2. It's not very yoga or Chi but it gets the job done.

If however you are buff and a totally self centred vain show off (er author?) then you've got to go for the speedos or cock jocks. Clearly you have to be a brave man to wear these, however there is some logic seeing that you sweat more than Freddie Starr at a Scouts convention, it means less washing. A quick rinse of the budgie smugglers after and it's job done. There is no sopping t-shirt, shorts or tracksuit bottoms to worry about and you'll get a good 15-20 wears out of them before a proper wash. Bloke washing tips.

Warning Prolonged yoga can make you look like this - shamelss speedo action

Step 4 - The first 10 classes

Bikram usually does a good deal of 10 classes for £10. Blokes like a deal and would rather spend money on beer, stereo equipment or gadgets than their health. Therefore it is a good idea to hook the bloke in when bloke feels he's on a bargain.

It is important to make use of this and not give up after the first class as i did. Get the full value and do at least 5 before making up your mind. Obviously by the 10th class blokes ego tends to kick in and you think you're now a pro Yogi. Instructing others what to do and dropping in Yoga words to your lingo. 'Namaste' being a favourite one, usually followed by 'pint of stella'

By 10 classes bloke will have a rough idea if they will continue or go back to their usual exercise of X Box 3 and Championship Manager.

Step 5 - Timings of classes

This is crucial as blokes can get it so wrong. Obviously it depends on work, family, kids and life schedules but don't let that get in the way of a good class. I suggest an early evening as it's packed with post work crumpet. Early mornings in the weekend is also a good clunge spot, as girls like to get Bikram out the way before endless shopping for yet more clothes or nail products.

The other advantage to an early morning Bikram class at the weekend is that it is an effective hangover cure. Clearly the rules of Bikram will state not to turn up after you've hoovered up several grams of Columbia's finest and drunk Kronebourg out of business. But if you've been on the piss the night before and looking for a hangover cure, a massive sweat is perfect. Of course you run the risk of dehydration and ending up in A&E but since when have blokes followed medical advice?

Once completed you feel fresh and ready for an all day session again. Perfect

Step 6 - Teachers and Not reading the wrong signals

Picking the right teacher for you is important. Clearly you want to go for a teacher who wears hot pants and takes no shit. The older ones are good for a relaxing class. The high energy gay ones can also be good for a pick me up. The male Nazi's are ones best to avoid. The best ones are the teachers who show you lots of encouragement, adjust your position and lean over in front of you.

Be careful boys not to misread the signals here. Most blokes think that when any woman looks at them, talks to them or shows any attention fancies the pants of them and that they've 'still got it'. I hate to break this to you boys but they don;t. Why any woman would look at a sweaty bloke in a yoga class with his gut hanging down, bogeys gathered around the nostril and sweat pouring down his face needs his head examining. They are doing their job. Let them

Step 7 - Etiquette

Another important one. After a few classes you will get the hang of it. Blokes usually don;t talk much anyway so to be silent for 90 minutes is not a problem. Most blokes are actually grateful for the peace as women find it much harder not to yap away for 10 minutes let alone an hour and a half.

I would suggest standing towards the back, not for any other reason than you can then taker in the full totty scope. Standing at the front is tough as you are then in the firing line for both the teacher and the rest of the class. Unless of course your vain and self obsessed then you stand at the front and can look in the mirror uninterrupted for 90 minutes.

It's best to do as suggested in class. Most blokes don't like this. However failure to do this can result in a slanging match in class and being kicked out of the studio. No-one wants to see this happen. From personal experience I'd advise against it.

Farting or belching is also not encouraged though if you are going to squeeze one out make it's when the teacher is speaking and in the floor series when you can hide it much better. If you're in a packed class you have to pray like fuck it's not smelly. This can lead to being ostracised. Though most blokes haven't clue what that means.

I would also advise not going after a heavy curry or a long lunch. Yoga is not the place for you. The Red Lion is

Step 8 - Posture & Body & Benefits

Don't be alarmed if you see changes to your body. For instance you may be able to start touching your toes and not walking at 10 to 2. A new experience for most blokes. For people who tend to talk alot of shit most blokes have weak legs, arses and core. Bikram highlights this and in doing something that looks ultra gay actually makes blokes more manly.

There has to be a pay off for doing it right? Blokes need a return on their investment. Well, Good posture and core strength along with increased flexibility and a trimmer body can lead to increased nookie. Not only will you be more attractive to the opposite sex but doing regular Bikram yoga improves stamina & result in you being able to last longer than a Byson on Viagra.

For anyone wishing to go even deeper, getting into breathing, meditation and yoga techniques. This can lead to a Tantric situation where you can go for hours and deliver multiple orgasms. This however requires alot of energy and patience and most blokes can;t be arsed so will leave all that shit to Sting.

Step 9 - Discipline and Continuation

A hard one for blokes this one as Most blokes are as disciplined as a naughty boy in naughty school of naughty town. It is not something that comes easily. Unless we are genius at something in the first few goes we give up citing it as 'bollocks'. Yoga is something that continues and evolves which goes against the male psyche.

The only thing that grows on most blokes is nasal hair and most blokes are only interested in growing their bank balance, bed post notches or Marijuana plants.

To continue with yoga requires discipline and patience meaning the benefits that come from step 8 are crucial to keep them going and the female ratio continues to outnumber male. Blokes are essentially stupid and require a carrot to keep them interested. Bikram has the right balance to do this.

Step 10 - Lifestyle

Bikram yoga can have many positive influences on a blokes lifestyle. Mind, body and soul can all be nurtured. It can help to alleviate stress, make the body more flexible, lower blood pressure, lose weight, feel better about yourself. There are many health benefits.

It can also result in completely fluking a Tesco Mobile advert and appearing on National TV as a yoga teacher in Kew Gardens for a few quid.

But one of the main lifestyle benefits though is that it looks great for your nookie CV. If you're online dating for instance and you list your hobbies as 'yoga' it makes women think you are caring, compassionate and not a lager swilling football bloke. You instantly become more appealing and your chances of scoring are much higher. Yes us blokes are that shallow girls. Now where's my nearest studio?

ps - bit sexist and inbetweeners but it's a little tongue and cheek

Namste Mother f****ers

xx