The trees are malting. Frost is on the ground. It gets dark at 4pm, Remembrance day is tomorrow and The Autumn Rugby Internationals are starting. It's officially winter. For my American & female readers Rugby is the UK's 2nd or 3rd national sport. In a nutshell it is 30 massive blokes on a pitch with an oval ball trying to bash the shit out of each other then have a huge drink up afterwards. There's a few more rules but that's effectively the long and short of it.
November is always a dodgy time. The nights draw in, there is a vague hint of Christmas in the air, you experience a mild form of panic that the year is nearly at an end and the realisation that 4 months of winter is ahead sets in. A testing time of the year. It can turn a man to Jammie Dodgers. You just have to buckle up, dig in and get your head down. Still, it could be worse. We could be in Canada/Poland/Russia where it gets to minus 30. Siberia is fucking Baltic.
This is the time of year when the difference between men and women really emerges. Why? Well because for women, in comes the winter wardrobe and out goers the summer one. Men? Well we don't tend to have a summer and winter wardrobe. We just have a 'floordrobe'. The only concession to winter men make is buying anti-freeze.
I have prepared for winter and taken the bold step of growing a beard. Not for Movember but because I'm Inspired by the legend of the Gibb. It's a little on the shit side but the reaction is fairly positive. Most saying it makes me look more rugged and manly. Though to be fair from the neck down I still look like a Gay boy.
I've gone for the trimmed 'Gibb' style beard. I can't do a David Bellamy as I'm not hairy enough. Nor do I intend to do a Beckham and develop a weird moustache and chin combo. I'm also staying well clear of the sculpted one, you know the thin line like Lewis Hamilton. It is not a look I care for. If you're going to grow a beard you have to commit to it. Don't fuck around trying to make little shapes. That's just wet.What is it with the modern Metro sexual man that he wants to make a beard look like a go faster stripe on his face? When did men becomes so wet and limp?
What happened to the real men I grew up idolising and looking up to? A beard should be uncontrollable facial hair with bits of egg and chips in it. It should form a chemical explosion of friction when you go down on your girl and make a huge rash on her face from over kissing. A beard is a winter warmer. A sign of virility. Of manliness.
All these pretty boy metro sexual men today with sculpted little facial hair make me ashamed to be male. Do they not have any pride or conscience. What about real old school men like me who wear girls jeans and cowboy boots? See, i don't need to try to be a hypocrite, it just comes naturally.
As my Dad would have said, 'fucking wankers'. He was an old school man who loved a beard. In fact everyone in the 70's had beards. Even women. Hairy was fashionable back then. Long hair, beards, big taches and of course women went for the massive hairy bush look. I remember many happy hours as a kid, secretly pawing over my eldest brothers Jazz mag collection trying to find a hairy bush that went up to a belly button. That was the equivalent of a lottery win when you were 8 in the 70's.
Of course tastes change with age and now I couldn't think of anything worse. Coupled with hairy armpits even I would have second thoughts.
It's all the rage now for girls to go hairless or as Grace Jones prefers, 'The Hitler'. Or the 'Brazillian'. In Wales the girls have something known as the 'Llanellian'. It is effectively a nicely trimmed bush with the words 'tidy' & 'Therewarthen' shaved in it. It's all the rage (OK I made that last one up)
Times have changed since the 70's. Sometimes I hark back to those days when men were men and think we've lost something. Men have been immasculated a bit. Man bags, skin care products, exfoliation creams, trimmed little beards, Earings, bling pretty boys. You even have blokes wearing 'onsies' and 'Ugg' boots now in Public. It's a fucking disgrace. James Hunt & Oliver Read would be turning in their graves.
My concession to the winter is a beard, some big old cardigans and low level melancholy. It's going to be a long haul. Here are some basic tips for surviving the British winter;
1 - Hibernate. Preferably in Goa or Miami
2 - Take strong anti depressants. To get these just show up at your GP, claim you have S.A.D (Seasonal Affected Disorder) No doubt it will be a relief doctor from Eastern Europe who won't give a shit so will prescribe loads of anything you want just to get you out the door.
3 - Lie to everyone and claim 'I'm such a winter person'. Inside tip, be careful saying this as Everyone hates these people as no-one likes the winter
4 - Kill yourself
Granted not the best tips but the best I can do at 4am when I'm writing this sodding blog.
Have a great weekend
x
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