I appear to have woken up with someone Else's head. I went to bed feeling pretty peaceful, calm and serene. Then I woke up in a world of pain.
Fear, worry, sense of impending doom ,anxiety, fatigue. Jack-fucking-pot. What the hell happened in the night? Was i visited by a mad scientist who performed a frontal lobotomy? I was a different person. Sadly the old me and one I have become depressingly familiar throughout my life emerged in the morning. My magic monkey mind was in full play mode.
It didn't help that the dreaded candida is back, so physically I felt pretty rough. Resulting this had a knock on effect to my mental state.
I have banged on far too much this year about it, so I will spare boring the arse off you again. Suffice to say that today felt like walking through quicksand whilst carrying a large sack of rocks whilst having several people hurl abuse in my ear. Radio shit Nick FM was playing loudly on loop all day.
Even the simplest tasks were a drama. Making a call. Doing an email. The whole 'can't be arsed' thing was loud and far too clear.
So what did I do to make myself feel better? I isolated of course. All day long. I spoke to absolutely no-one and shut myself away getting more miserable by the hour. What a pointless weird exercise. If I know something will make myself feel shit why do do it? Am i addicted to misery and self pity? It's a familiar place to bathe in and sometimes I submerge. Knobhead.
At heart I know I should be doing certain things, living life in a better way, treating people better and it gnaws away at me until I combust. I have no-one else to blame but myself. i am my own worst enemy.
I didn't want to write this blog, as i also get an attack of sad and pathetic man syndrome. Here is what my head was saying to me;
"What a pointless pathetic dull little blog you're writing Nick . As if anyone is interested. You're a joke. Pack it in. You're spouting all this shit about sharing and caring blah blah blah and look at what you're doing. You're the ultimate hypocrite egotistical arrogant twat. Sitting in your ivory tower talking shit and not living what you preach. You're a preacher. You're a talker not a walker. You're a lonely pathetic sad womanising flirt. Desperately craving attention why else would you write such an open blog? How sad are you that you need to put things out so publicly. Nauseating. Do you need attention Nick? Is it because you're not good enough? You have to resort to writing about your dull life and chasing people to 'like' your piece. How desperate. Twat."
I swear to god that was what the monkey was chattering away all day. Nice huh. That is what I contend with quite alot of the time and if I don't treat people right. If I know I'm not doing the right thing it gets louder and I get more withdrawn. The depressing thing is that there is an element of truth to some of it.
I thought long and hard about cancelling the blog. I wanted to get rid of it today. I thought I need to get my head down and get on with things. Stop uploading stuff so publicly like a puppy looking for a pat on the head. In all honesty I was embarrassed by my candour and my preaching how to live, how to pray, how to share. I made myself cringe with what I have been talking about. I hated the blog and me. The worst kind of 'do as I say not as i do'. It hung heavy on me today.
However, I made this commitment through sickness and health to write every day through good times and bad. I am terrible at perspective. Things are never quite as bad as I make them out to be, nor quite as good. I'm just in a dodgy head space. No dramas. Lots of people are going through worse and dealing with it but this little drama queen spat out his dummy today and sulked at himself about himself all day long.
Time to see how the rest of the world are doing me thinks Nicholas before you disappear up your own arsehole. But before I do that I must eat a Wispa bar, box of biscuits, a Caramac and some more biscuits. It's bound to make me feel much better in the morning that. Double twat
xx
Oh Nick, this too shall pass. Everyone has these type of days. It's part of the human condition. Everyone deals with it differently. Shopping, eating, drinking, drugging, fucking, fighting, exercising, and even writing. So you're feeling like shit, at least you're not drinking! Drinking might make the social drinker feel a little better but to this alcoholic, it made the dark pit swirl deeper.
ReplyDeleteWhen all else fails..........help another alcoholic. Your blog did that for me today. So you helped another alcoholic. Well done. :)
Candida and Stress
DeleteStress affects your body in two ways, both of which can lead to excess Candida. One of your body's first reactions to a stressful situation is to release Cortisol, a hormone that depresses your immune system and raises your blood sugar level. The Candida yeast feeds on the extra sugar, while your weakened immune system is powerless to stop it. Quickly it overpowers the balanced mixture of microorganisms in your small intestine.
Prolonged stress can also weaken your adrenal glands, which are an important part of your immune system. These small organs release hormones that regulate several different systems within your body, and they are responsible for production of the 'fight or flight' hormone adrenaline. If your adrenals become drained you will feel constantly tired, and probably find yourself drinking cup after cup of coffee. Your immune system becomes similarly drained and unable to respond properly to pathogens like the Candida yeast.
Go and visit some old people. Age Concern in your area are always looking for volunteers.
ReplyDelete