I was struggling for a subject today. The day passed in a kind of detached drift. Don't get me wrong I did actually do things. Dentist, Killer 400 m sprints in the park, some work, cycle, phoned people. Yet I felt a little detached from the world. Then I went to Trinity Road, my Home meeting at night and it all changed round.
I'm not really supposed to talk about the fellowship I attend. After all it is anonymous. One of the traditions is 'attraction rather than promotion', so it's not really for me to bang the drum. There are more non alcoholics than alcoholics in the world and there is nothing worse than someone banging on about how marvelous recovery is etc. Blah blah blah. It puts people right off. Everyone has problems and sometimes it is galling for people to hear addicts or alcoholics try to claim all the problems in their life for themselves. Bare with me here, there is a point to this. Trust me.
I arrived at the meeting with my head racing in fear, worry, anxiety, detachment and generally iffy 'meism'. Probably because I spent all day on my own in my own head. Maybe I was suffering a post Mans retreat hangover (Thanks for all the lovely feedback about the weekend's blogs by the way)
I got the customary warm welcome reserved for Trinity Road and sat down and for the next 90 minutes listened to genuine people share their experience and desire to change. It made me realise how utterly fortunate I am to have a place to come where it seems to wash my brain and churn me out the other side a reasonably normal and balanced person. It really is Nurofen for my soul. It makes me connect, I understand what people are saying and it gives me hope and inspiration. Makes me feel really good inside.
Trouble is it seems to wear off by the time I get home and then it's back to me again. For 90 minutes I totally forgot about myself, my fear about comedy on Thursday, my worries on work, money, family. All i did was listen and identify. Such a relief.
It made me think about recent conversations with people who suffer from depression or who are having relationship, money, work, family or health problems. Humans struggle. Everyone has problems to some lesser or greater degree. It's called Life and sometimes it's a bastard. There is so much suffering in the world. In people I know.
Most people struggle on their own. Getting by the best they can. Some people I speak to are in trouble but they seem to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and keep going. I have such admiration for them.
Tonight I realised how lucky I am. For the first time I felt a peace and calm come over me. I felt grateful and I'm going to sound like one of those wankers I used to hear ages ago and want to machine gun. I'm going to use a phrase I hate but tonight I felt 'right sized'. There said it. Yuk, can't believe I did. It's like therapy speak, but I genuinely felt OK. Not too big, not too small. Not rich, skint really but I felt OK inside. I was calm and I liked it.
Most people do not have groups or people in the same position. Life is uncompromising, scary and difficult sometimes. I personally think it's more difficult when you plough on alone, not sharing, telling or seeking help. I've seen members of my own family do it and they are blind to it, blaming everything else and wondering why life treats them shit. It's painful to watch someone too proud, too stubborn and too independent seek help and just give in the fight a little. It causes me pain but there is nothing I can do.
My crusade in this blog has been in encouraging people to be honest with themselves and open up. If nothing else I hope some people who have read it throughout the year will understand the underlying theme, I cannot help anyone and it would be egotistical to claim my writing is serious or like some kind of prophecy.
But it is serious about asking, pleading, imploring people to stop suffering in silence. They say that pride kills. I agree. It just does it slowly and silently. Why should we have all the answers? Why should we know what to do? Why feel the need to fix it yourself. This only creates barriers to relationships and the world and keeps people in everlasting sickness. A deep sickness of the soul that only very few people can detect. But it's there. I have no doubts.
I look at people who seem to sail through life and think, "How the f***k did you do that?" Maybe they really are very good at life or don't think about it. Maybe they are bluffing or maybe they'll get a shit storm in the next life.
One things for sure. You bottle it up readers and there's going to be tears before bedtime. Keep sharing and caring. I'm just lucky I have a place to heal my messy head. I know many have nowhere. Now that is a truly lonely place to be. Risk it. Take the plunge. Open up to someone and give it to them straight. It may change your life.
Not a funny blog today but it was on mind tonight. Seems like the human condition is a little more serious then I first thought
xx
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