Day 284 - Weds 24th Oct - EasyJet W*nkers : The Journey from Hell (well Gibraltar)

**Warning this blog contains foul language so look away if you are easily offended**

 

I can’t wait to go home. Only today to last. Thank god I’ll be in the comfort of my pants tonight supping on a brew (tea), pulling on a silk cut and writing my blog. Just a few hours to go.

At least that’s what I thought was going to happen. I’m currently writing this on a word document in the departure lounge of Gibraltar airport because not only is there no Wi Fi connection, but the fucking c*nting airport is shut due to it pissing down and all flights have been diverted to fucking Malaga in Spain. I’m positive this shit hole place doesn’t want me to leave. I reckon God is a Gibraltarian and is laughing at me.

It’s hard enough to land apparently due the wind from the rock and the runway is like a dance with the deep blue sea. Apparently our easyjet pilot tried to land but overshot the runway due to poor visibility. Was that his or the weather? How the fuck can he do that? It’s long, got lights on it and flashes as well. In today’s modern age how can an aircraft miss a runway?

He’s a right pussy, instead of trying again and hoping for the best he’s fucked off to Malaga, 3 hours away leaving us all up shit street. EasyJet wanker. Ryan air would have landed on the top of the fucking rock in a hurricane to get people on board. They don’t give a fuck. Mind you there's not a lot of choice between Easyjet and Ryanair. They are much of the same. It's like trying to choose between Chlamydia and Gonorrhea

So now we sit here waiting with fuck all refreshment stalls, shops or anything for a bus replacement service to take us to Malaga to get a flight home. Wanker. I bet the captains sucking on a Cuban Cigar and getting a neck massage with 'extras' in his club lounge whilst I sit here freezing my ass off with the rest of the Plankton.

 

All i see is hundreds of miserable faces squeezed into to miserable polysester tracksuits. Thank god for comfort clothing hay travellers?

Still, at least Easyjet provided refreshment vouchers for passengers which resulted in a stampede to gate 3, an enormous queue all to get a voucher for a sausage roll that looked like a wrinkled cock and a lager top. People are genuinely stupid queuing up for that. And who the fuck drinks lager top these days? If you’re looking at a 8 hour delay the only thing on your mind at the bar is dark spirits. Either that or tequila. The ultimate pain remover. And of course liberty too. Lager Top won't touch the sides.

 

We waited in the departure lounge for 3 hours which felt like 3 weeks. Luckily all the smokers huddled on the balcony and we observed the EasyJet staff amble around doing nothing. We are connected in one human moan. I swear to god you'd be able to see the negativity on Google earth from space. I actually don't join in. What can we do apart form accept our fate.

 

Finally they scrambled 4 buses to take us to Malaga. I'm used to Bus replacement service on the south west train lines from putney but from different countries? That's taking the piss.

 

We mounted the buses and were given a sandwich which looked like a manky old snatch and a bottle of water for the 3 hour drive in pissing rain. Great I've been in Gibraltar for 36 hours and already I've seen a monsoon and the slow coach to Malaga.

 

Finally we reached Malaga airport in the middle of the night, it was deserted but the geniuses at EasyJet had planned ahead for 500 tired passengers by opening 1 check in desk. 2 hours it took to get through and at this point people were losing the will to live. Luckily I'd bought 600 snouts at Duty Free so i spent the time working my way through those.

 

Then we finally took off and got back to London gatwick at 7am. A 12 hour round trip and 14 hours door to door by the time i get home. Fuck me i could have done Thailand/Rio/Goa/USA/Caribbean in that time. An Ironman or the 3rd series of Friday Night Live. All i got was a massive Waste of time and a cough.

 

I got home at 8am whilst Britain got to work. Thank god I'm unemployed and only in part time employment that's all i can say. Someone commented if i went to Gibraltar because i was a male escort. Er No, trust me i would have charged a shed load more than i did for talking marketing bollocks. Maybe i should consider that as a career option? I'll ask next time I'm in Hounslow Job Centre. Though I won't do a discount for Mobility scooters. I have standards.

 

I picked up my voice messages one of which was from H&M Revenue & Customs asking me to call them. Maybe it's because I bought back 600 snouts instead of 200. The milk was off and i had a tax bill. I thought Fuck it I'm going back to Gibraltar.

 

It was too late or early to sleep so I pulled out an all nighter. Keep going throughout the day. I hadn't done that since days of class A's and Red Stripe. I looked like shit, felt like shit but at least I was home.

 

I learnt 3 valuable lessons today;

 

1 - Don't go to Gibraltar

 

2 - Don't use EasyJet

 

3 - Don't use EasyJet in Gibraltar

 

PS -  I also respect the history of the island, there are some fabulous parts and the people were ultra friendly. I'm only talking it down for the narrative of the blog. However there are too many scummy bits where all the mobility scooters hang out. Makes you proud to be British.

 

xx