Why do guys wake up with hard ons? I had morning glory for around 16 minutes this morning. It just wouldn't go down. Oh god what if i had it all day?. It makes it sodding awkward to have a pee i tell you.
You either have to stand 20 metres back and ark it in gradually moving forward like a zombie(dangerous as get it wrong and you've got a hell of a mess on your hands - and bathroom) or crouch forwards like you're some kind of crab. (Again dangerous as a strong spurt will mean you could end up pissing on your own face and no-one likes self imposed water sports especially at 8 in the morning.) Both are exceptionally awkward.
Alternatively you can wait for it to subside but your bladder swells making you look like a darts player and you feel as uncomfortable as a contestant on Jim'll Fix it. It puzzles me.
This morning i went to the dentist. I was stealing myself for 2 fillings and an industrial clean. It's been years since fillings and i was nervous. The whole needle and drill routine is terrifying. But i manned up & in i went.
The whole thing ended up taking 20 minutes. The fillings were a 2 minute job. He just squeezed some material in the teeth and it was done. Apparently new technology means no more drilling or mercury, silver or gold, just a white putty. Result! I was expecting to come out looking like Jaws from James Bond but it was exceptionally subtle. The clean got rid of my dreadful fag stains. He told me to stop drinking diet coke, so much tea and smoking and sent me on my way. I waited 45 minutes before i sparked up.
Then i met me lovely Mammy and an old friend with her 3 year old daughter for lunch and a lovely lazy afternoon in Richmond. It was a stunning day. So beautiful. Crisp, sunny, clear. Perfect.
Again i was able to display my undoubted Uncle Nick, child skills for a short intensive period of 4 hours before handing back and getting on with being me. I'm amazing at it. Swinging them around, hanging them upside down, carrying them on my shoulders. (The 3 year old not my Mum or friend). Every time i see a friend and their kids i just have this massive urge to throw them in the air, all those years of lifting heavy weights come in useful somewhere.
I think when your 3 it is mandatory to be hurled in the air. Kids love it. It's the closest thing to being on a fairground ride and just makes kids laugh and smile and immediately makes them more comfortable with you and relaxed. From running away from me in the first hour to demanding i carried her 2 hours later is a remarkable turn around and shows i definately have a good way with kids. I better not wait too long before I'm too old fat and decrepit before i have my own hey?
It was a delightful afternoon and nice to catch up and see happiness. We Fed the ducks by the river. Vermin. Went for lunch. Let a helium balloon free into the main heathrow flight path, nipped into House of Fraser. Tried to encourage the 3 year old to shop lift a Mulberry bag ("Oh i don't know how that got in there she's got this terrible habit of picking things up your honour") Had an ice cream from the best ice cream place in the world - Danielis in Richmond. It was fun and it certainly helps you forget yourself. Respect once again to all you parents out there. You're my heroes.
Interestingly I bumped into someone i used to work with at Fulham FC years ago and occasionally see at Bikram Yoga. (I will write the blog about the day i was barred from Yoga soon i promise)
We did the whole 'alright mate' greeting and then he said 'i don't need to ask what have you been up to as i read your blog, i feel as if i know everything'. Blimey i thought that makes bumping into people easier and also i forget that people actually read these ramblings!
It does have a downside though, a few weeks ago when i bumped into someone i knew from meetings I started to tell him about 'The night i met Grace Jones'. I was still buzzing and when he asked 'what have you been up to', i started to enthusiastically tell him the story. He stopped me and cut in, 'I know i read it in your blog'. End of conversation.
I suppose doing a confessional blog from the first person narrative. A stream of consciousness and exposing myself more times than Jimmy Saville is bound to have that effect, though i am always surprised that people read it.
Rest of the evening was spent at a meeting in Richmond (Love it) and doing a quick 45 min burst on the bike on my new Turbo Trainer at home in front of the tellie whilst watching the football highlights.
I do like to keep fit but ultimately it boils down to vanity and a slight helping of body dismorphia. Man who grows up as a fat kid with wobbly tits carries that around with him in adult hood. At least i do. Beneath this lean and chiseled body lies a fat little 12 year old kid.
Having said that it's probably not a good idea in the current climate to be talking about inside me is a 12 year old fat kid. I think I'll leave that one go.
Have a tidy weekend campers
xx
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