Pasties were scoffed with abandon. The whole town got behind Greggs and Jenkins the bakers. So much so that police were called to calm the crowds. It was similar scenes to those in iraq when Sadam Hussein was overthrown, except this was more frenzied, pasty based and conducted in leisurewear.
I always find it amazing in Llanelli (and many other towns) that the people who most love pasties and other assorted saturated fat based foods are nearly always dressed in leisurewear. Tracksuits and other assorted sports related clothing. As Martin Amis said, 'built for the pub and dressed for the track'.
Of course i understand why, usually these folks are the ones in the government survey who are dangerously obese and the last thing you want when carrying a few pounds is a tight belt or skinny jeans. It;s got to be elasticated and it's got to be stretch material. Thank god for Sports Direct.
Clearly you align yourself to brands and if you're a Greggs and Sports Direct kind of guy i think i know where you're coming from. Me? Well I'm more of a M&S and S&M kind of guy myself.
In all of the excitement of the Pasty Tax which dominated the headlines, it was somewhat lost yesterday the other news which many in Wales (and Yorkshire) celebrated with equal abandon. It was the scrapping and reduction of the Static Caravan Tax.
George Osborne couldn't have picked a worst fight with the very corner stone of British Life. Pasties and Static Caravans. They go hand in hand really. He may as well have taxed queueing and complaining whilst he's at it.
Basically he wanted to add 20% VAT to static caravans, which caused an uproar. Jobs will be lost. People will refuse to go to holiday parks. The whole game of bingo would be lost during summer months. He listened. It was scrapped.
Static Caravans are huge in the UK. The biggest market in the world. For anyone who is not familiar with a Static Caravan - Here is one;
it generally has the inside of an Auntie's Lav. Weird floral colours, cushions. Almost like a Midsummer Murder but on acid. In fact static caravans will always hold a dear place in my heart as i holidayed in one when i was a kid in Wales every summer and took my 1st ever LSD trip when i was 17. Ah something to share with my Grand kids.
They are awesome. Basically they are a flatpack style home away form home. They are exactly the same as your house, except smaller, thinner and around 200 miles away. Usually found on things called 'holiday parks'. Usually by the sea or in some remote place that takes hours to get too.
A holiday park will have a class system of inhabitants. At the top. The creme de la creme and the most arrogant and ones who feel superior are the Static Caravan owners. In their head their static caravan is their 2nd home. Their holiday home. Like it's a £4million pad in Lake Como. In fact it is a 50square foot flatpack home with walls thinner than a bulimics waist and a colour scheme like the inside of a womb. But they are the daddies.
Next comes the weekend tow caravaners. The ones who clog up the roads, have massive mirrors on their cars, wear driving gloves, the extensions that flick up over your glasses as sunglasses and have names of their caravans like dildos. 'Marauder' and 'Groover'. These effectively take their house to the seaside or country for the weekend and do exactly the same at home just in a smaller space.
Static look down on the tow ones, but the tow ones secretly want a static their pride just can't let them show it. Caravaning is all about pride you see.
Next on the list comes the campers. No not the gays. The weekend or week long people who bring their tents and pitch up. It can be weirdos on their own or families. These people get universal respect. Anyone who does this wouldn't harm anyone and they are given a massive amount of respect from all. Clearly the static caravaners still look down on them, in a way a truck driver looks down on everyone on the road.
Tents are now so advanced and incredible. Rooms, Kitchens, living spaces, compartments. They are so easy to put up now that even i can do it and everyone loves camping. Unless of course it's piss wet. Then it's shit and you just want to leave.
Finally the lowest of the low. The scum of the holiday park are the ones who hire out the already constructed tents. Or 'Euro Tent'. Pre made up tents for the lazy, semi ironic, middle class above themselves knob heads who want to sample the camping lifestyle but can't be arsed doing anything about it. These are the lowest, as they don't belong in the holiday park and laugh at the serious caravans.
They don't like the communal shower blocks covered in pubic hair, they don't appreciate the permanently blocked up toilets, they don't like the on site amusement arcade and constant jangle of fruit machines and they certainly don't have fun at the nightly bingo and karaoke in the entertainment centre. They are the scum of the holiday park.
The static caravan market is huge in the UK. it is very British and despite me taking the piss, i actually love it. It's part of the British heritage and I'm pleased the tax has been abolished. Now people can eat pasties in their floral living spaces before having to unload it down the chemical khazi which lets face it, is like sitting in a fridge, in peace.
It;s a double celebration in Llanelli. Pasties and Static caravans. Fuck me they'll be raising disability living allowance, free mobility scooters and cash incentives for teenage girls to get pregnant next. It's boom time in TOWIL
xx
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