The decision? Wait for it to go down (which in some cases could take up to 2 cups of tea, constant thinking of Theresa May and 20 minutes) or attempt to pee with aforementioned stiffy. Both options are exceptionally uncomfortable.
I chose the later, it is a skilled technique. Basically you really only have 2 techniques for this option. Stand in another room and arch the pee into the bowl and then slowly lurch your way towards the toilet as the stiffy goes down and you finish peeing. It's like a massive ark followed by a zombie shuffle. What makes it particularly hard is that most hard ons point up.
Meaning the pee trajectory is similar to that of the Wembley Arch. The potential for missing the bowl or pissing up the wall or on the floor is massive. It is a high risk option. But really the most popular.
The second technique is slightly more flamboyant and less used. it is to effectively do a handstand and pee into the bowl upside down. It is hard and requires strength and balance but it matches the gravity of the hard on as the 'up curve' in the hard on is effectively pointing down towards the bowl so the angles are working well on this one. It requires practice as the potential for pissing in your own mouth is high, as is falling down and collapsing and breaking many bones.
No - one wants to be tended to by an Ambulance in your own toilet with piss all over your face. The humiliation would be eternal and you would forever be known as a self water sports harmer. Not good.
I went for option 1, It came good in the end. Phew.
After what had seemed like 40 days and 40 nights of rain, the sun was out so i celebrated by going for my 1st run since the marathon. 3 weeks ago. It was a 5-6 miler and i went to my old route. Through St Margaret's, Richmond Bridge, by the river, into Richmond Park, up the bastard hill, Richmond hill (view was stunning) and back again. Lovely.
My lungs hurt like fuck though(smoking and not running) in fact it was a lungfucker. Which i thought would be a good name of a band. Easy Listening of course.
Then it was a day of ambling around not doing much really. Chores, shopping, gym ,bills. And one of the real pleasures was to sit in the Sun outside a cafe with a cuppa and read the paper. Lovely. Really relaxing and a great way to 'nonce'. Any less experienced readers wondering what 'noncing' is?
Effectively it is a verb to describe the process of male 'perving' or in it's old fashioned term 'eyeing up'. it is the process of spotting a sexy woman (as per previous blogs it could be something about them that's sexy) walking past.
Now there is a huge amount of effort behind the scenes that most people don't know about with noncing. Obviously you have to pick the right location. That is tricky. Inside a Starbucks or Costa too uncomfortable and exposed. Transport cafe too Workman. It has to be outside, in the sun with a decent footfall.
I chose one right next to a posh female hairdressers in Barnes. Perfect. A constant stream of MILF's, GILF's and everything in between. I couldn't have picked a better seat.
Then you need reading material to appear cool, sophisticated, occupied. Obviously in case anyone actually came to sit with you (this is exceptionally rare). So you obviously go with a weekend newspaper. You don't want to seem too right wing or think, so you cover all bases and go for Guardian (interesting) Times (for the business section you see) and the Mail (My Nan likes it, sympathy vote you see) - So effectively all bases are covered. You may like to slip a specialist magazine in. secretly pushing an Exchange and Mart in, like in the old days when purchasing Razzle or 'Plus 40'.
Finally, and this is the big mistake i made today. Attire and eye wear. Now i had a coat on and was sweating like Rebecca Brookes at the Leveson Enquiry. I also forgot sunglasses. Schoolboy error. That is page 1 of the noncing text book. Glasses. You must not be spotted 'eyeing up'. Clearly i was out of shape and practice. I need to sharpen up.
I scanned the papers and was interested to note David Cameron and Rebecca Brookes' relationship. Dinners, up to 8-10 texts a day in some cases. He was clearly 'noncing' after her.
What disturbed me though was the Prime Minister signing off texts with LOL, DC x. Thinking LOL was indeed lots of love. How fucking cringe is that? Talk about embarrassing Dad syndrome on a national scale.
Like a dad trying to dance or look cool or hip to his kids friends and getting it well wrong. Urgh. Awful. LOL, DC x. He should be fucking removed from post for that. Let alone his privileged spoon fed lying existence. He;s like the Dad of the country as PM and doing text speak. Wrong. Is not on.
OMG DC you gt txt spk so wrong. UR a DIV and u shld lve. U R A CCK. NE x
And why the fuk was he texting her anyway. She had him and all the other phones tapped and hacked so she knew what he was going to say and do anyway. What a cock. Obviously his little Etonian winkle got the better of him with her. The old REbecaa Brookes Ginger Femme Fetale. He was trying to get into her pants. Clearly.
"sexy bexy, Grge Osb is a rght dull cnt. In cabinet meet txting under desk. Theresa May is showing sme thigh off and ive got right horn. Sam doesnt want to knw since i became top dog. said im arrgnt prck. only u understand pressure of top job and becuase ura bitch. thinkng of u in jodpurs riding ross Kemp like he's shergar. dirty bitch, LOL. DC xx"
Allegedly. The chubby toff was clearly drawn to the lying cheating arrogant flamed haired femme. Odiuous story. Yuk.
The night was spent watching The Voice, which was like amazing. Then off out with a pal. I refused to Watch BGT The Final. I would honestly prefer to kill myself. 60 million people in this country and a dog is the most Talented performer in the UK. Kill me now. It is not entertainment it is Tramadol TV. End it.
I would have applauded if someone would have won if they pissed a hard on piss into a bowl from 30 yards without splashing a drop. Now that is real talent. Even better if they managed to piss on David Cameron Rebecca Brookes and Simon Cowell. and if they got a dog pissing on them too. Now that is real talent.
xx
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