Altered Attitude
OK blogger, I'm not going to lie. Today i was not in the best of moods. I'm not sure if it was the weather, the time of year, my personal situation. I can't quite put my finger on it. Of course staying up until 4am surfing the Internet and getting only 4 hours sleep hasn't got anything to do with my mental position, let alone my spiritual one.
I was feeling the burn.
Luckily all those years of marathon running, sports and nutrition had taught me the correct and crucial nutrition balance for such a sleep deprived brain and body. Tea, diet coke & cigarettes. The staple fayre of a lunatic like me. Later on no doubt it will be Haagen Dazs and fruit pastilles. But to help me through the days work it will be caffeine based drinks and nicotine.
Normally for most readers you will know of how much my chest swells with pride and excitement of organising stationary, excel spreadsheets and the like. Today i was on business card duty. I was thrilled
Now a business card is not just a pointless little bit of card that is needlessly chopped down in the Amazon in order for people to carry around their own name, email and phone number. Oh no a business card is the fulcrum around which all business is built. 'Here's my card'. is the mantra in thousands of sales and networking the meeting the world over. 'Straight in the bin', is most people's thoughts.
The object of business cards is to collect so many of them they become a small sculpture of The Shard piling up on your desk/home. Therefore they are crucial and today i took on that responsibility. I stepped up to the plate and bore the brunt of 70 people's contact details and put on an excel spreadsheet to send to the printers.
At one point i literally had to stop myself getting too hard. I was loving it. Like Lydnsey Lohan in Threshers. I was in my element. Receiving emails from 23 year old trainees (not trannies, that was for later, though they look frigthteningly similar. My god our Trainees are just one syllable away from transexualcafation) with their contact details and instructions to 'add me onto the list'. I definately didn't think of killing myself. I never swore to myself that my life was over and i certainly didn't think for one minute that somehow my talents were not being utilised. Not one of those things crossed my mind.
By late afternoon i had lost the will to live. Breathing and blinking was an effort. All i was good for was Dickinson's Real Deal. I really didn't want to go and meet my friend Kim, a comedian who was going to give me some tips and feedback. Fuck that, a sofa at home, stretched out with my nuts hanging out, doing nothing apart from watching mindless crap on TV was what i wanted. Instead i went to Pret a Manger Strand.
She was awesome. We had a good chat and the long and short of it, was that i said i was terrified, i was feared up, i didn't think i was any good, i wasn't writing comedy or performing and i was using 'avoidance tactics' permanently (last night anyone) to get away from the graft of writing gags and trying to develop my craft.
Basically she said 'fucking do it', 'it's not about how you look or you, it's about what you've got to say. ''If you have a passion, use it and say it'. I have so many ideas, yet so little focus and then i get overwhelmed about what to do, which direction and end up thinking 'fuck this i want to play and lose myself'. Result? Frustration. I could be doing better.
So, really i was glad i went, I left lighter, happier, more focused. It helped.
I went home and celebrated my new found focus by finishing off pages 2000-2850 of the new website and got to bed at 1.30am. See. Improvement!
xx
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