FEAR!!!!!!
Oh god woke up with it, felt it, brushed my teeth in it, bathed in it, ate it for fucking breakfast. The dreaded fear was on me. And it was my day off. Nuts!
Why? Well the answer is fucked if i know missus. It was that nagging free floating fear that you cannot put your finger on. Financial insecurity, job insecurity, a dread of the future. It was like coming up on a high strength E but without the fun. Odd.
Somedays it's just like that. You get the fear and it's a nightmare. But what can you do? Curl up and wait for it to pass? Drink you're way out of it? Pray to God all day? Well, i suppose i have tried all of those in the past but i found the best way to get rid of the fear is to amble around Primark, eye up a few leopard print vixens, watch Homes under the Hammer at the Gym and get on with the day. At least that's what i did.
Day started with a call from an SEO company about Google algorithms, whatever the fuck they are, didn't understand a word but i knew it was bad. That was followed with someone emailing me about an amend request to lay out of a business card, then i got a 3rd email from a printers asking to speak to me as Stationary Manager about our print requirements.
I looked at the guy serving in Argos and i thought, 'swop you'. Grim start.
I then did a hard ass work out at the gym to a background of Daytime TV. it was comforting to know my family in Brymoor Road were watching Dickinson's Real Deal as i was whilst doing 100 squats. Punishing.
Then it was off to meet my business partner in Starbucks, about www.therefzone.co.uk , an online business we have been running without any income for 2 years. It is rather an odd way to run a company, pay out money and not get any back, but that seems to be the way it's going. It also made us chuckle that we are spreading the gospel of online training for sports referees when we haven't got a scoobie doo between us. Classic.
It was half way through this meeting when the fear lifted. I stopped thinking about me, listening to my own voice, having self doubt, and started talking about the potential good things for our little sideline business when it went. I was free. I was OK. I was a human again! Massive relief and big sighs all round.
Clearly the old maxim of getting on and getting busy helped. Old school and no sharing about boundaries and the inner child needed.
Then it was off to compere a friends charity night to help fund raise for her London Marathon run. She did an Amy Winehouse Tribute and it was fucking awesome. Top class band and she is an ace singer and looked and sounded like her. Helped her to raise her target and i did something i never thought i could do.
Something that takes a man a huge amount of courage or Kronenbourg to do. I danced. Yes, i danced and i actually enjoyed it! Sober and smiling. My god, it's a miracle.
usually when i dance i swear to god there is a massive neon sign above me depicting the word 'twat'. I feel so self conscious, secretly jealous of people dancing and having fun. I could never do that as i had to remain cool. Difficult to look cool when throwing down white man shapes that made me look like i was having a fit,
So i didn't dance. Instead i concentrated on drinking heavily at the bar and taking the piss out of blokes dancing, when really that false bravado was masking terrific fear and jealousy at the ones who were throwing shapes and didn't give a toss. It;s hard being a man full of pride and bollocks sometimes. The only time dancing was attempted was at the end of evening when i could barely stand or see and basically looked like a 3 legged dog stumbling around. John Travolta i was not.
Then in early sobriety dancing was impossible. You're joking. It took me 2 years to try it. i took a girl out on a date and to my horror the bar turned into a club at nightfall and she got up and started beckoning me to join her. Oh god it was horrific. i sat there giving her the thumbs up, drinking diet coke and sweating. I went through all scenarios and best one i could come up with? Tell her i was ill and leave. I was that scared!
Luckily i went to the toilet, got on my knees, prayed and came back and took a risk and joined her on the dance floor. I was magnificent. Pirouettes, jiving, Saturday Night Fever. the Lot. The whole armoury came out. Shapes were thrown that hadn't even been invented yet. I was like Louis Spence on speed. I was on fire. People stared, dance floor cleared. i was lost. I was loving it, and then i came too, too notice something weird, i was alone. Everyone had cleared the space and the girl i was with had stopped dancing, and was sat down looking on in puzzlement. I stopped dancing. It was time to leave.
Luckily i have had a few better experiences since then, and last night was one of them. it was great fun and i enjoyed it. Dancing is officially the best antidote to fear. Dr Evans' orders
xx
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