I was thinking about this today when i effectively did nothing again all day. Yes i wrote some things, went to the gym, had lunch and a little walk, but mostly i was thinking about happiness and self esteem. Strange how thinking about it makes you less happy. Moto - stop fucking thinking!
I've met so many people recently who are all uber talented in their own ways. Singers, performers, make up artists, fathers, photographers and the one thread binding them together is a lack of belief in themselves. I know this because i have it myself. It seems to be a human condition.
Sometimes you see nervous animals. Squirrels for instance. They always look timid and nervous. Either they've done something wrong or they wish they were a fox. Low self esteem see.
And how do you define happiness? Is it a material thing? I've seen people overjoyed at a new pair of Laboutins for instance, or I've seen people ecstatic at their team winning. and is there a difference between inner contentment and outright pleasure. Is that happiness.
Now apologies for this, but take the moment of orgasm for instance. Obviously most men won't know how much of a splendid moment it is for women, as they don't really hang around long enough to deliver one. But is that pleasure or happiness? You are totally in the moment, lost to any other worldly reality and all you are is locked in that particular moment. No time for negative imagery or self esteem. Until of course it's over then it's back to being you again.
Same for dancing (especially on an E) - shed your inhibitions and you can really let yourself go. Is that happiness? Shared moments with friends? Your family having nonversation? Whatever it is - have you ever stopped, hung back and observed a moment in time and felt a peace and contentment. I think that must be happiness.
A great full English breakfast, a fabulous holiday, a bargain in the sales, a stolen look from a stranger, losing half a stone in weight. All of these things can make us feel good (unless of course your a compulsive bulimic who is underweight, is a co dependant and sex addict and shopaholic)
A faith in God, a personal best at fitness, doing something you never thought you could do. Again things that you can feel good about.
Some people do not suffer from low self esteem. Some people are natural optimists and confident. They appear to be happy, and 'up' and have a real self confidence. This of course is attractive to the low self esteem. Which may explain why we a drawn to stronger than us people in romance, thinking it will 'cure' this need in us (me)
But that's not the case. It never will. The trick i suppose is to let the negative voice wash over you. Not to listen. Not to engage. It is restrictive. It is controlling. It is a waste of time. Because what if you do listen? You would end up never doing anything. Life would be shite. It would be like a perpetual Radiohead album.
All of this passes through my head on a daily basis. It passes through it during comedy nights and most other occasions. I have learnt not to listen or engage and of course try to do things where i get out of the head without getting out of it on booze or drugs. I have been through the card on this. Eclairs, Mint Humbugs, 3 piece suits, Breaking Bad Box set, orgies, porn (sorry Nan and Mum), women, flirtations, tight jeans, blond hair, cowboy boots, Marathons, Ironmans, fags, diet coke, Fasting, 6 packs, biceps, relationships, holidays, Goa, beads, heavy tans, jobs, dole, shopping, Elvis the lot.
I am told the only true happiness is the one inside of self acceptance. Oh god, please don't let me turn into one of those spiritual facebook posters that the real journey is the one within. But readers, if that's what it takes to be happy. To look in the mirror and say 'you Nichols Edward Evans are a massive Hunk o burning Welsh love', then i will. Besides who gives a fuck what you do. As long as you're happy doing it - right?
But you know what real happiness is though? Yes to all of the above but real happiness is getting of the tube at Tooting Bec after travelling all the way down the northern line from Kings Cross busting for a piss and heading straight into the Wheatsheaf. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Happiness
xx
PS - TOWIL update - The only way to round off a weekend is a dam good tribute act at The Thomas Arms. What can be better?
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