Alright bloggers? Still with me?
For us Brits we're sweating in the sun. Finally the good weather has hit us. What does this mean? Well for one newspapers carry the obligatory headline "IT'S HOTTER THAN SPAIN" with a picture of a girl in a bikini in a pond in London, fatties at the beach and a traffic jam.
People are a little lighter and happier. Even Facebook posts are happier with many more exclamation marks after post updates!!!!!!!!! Sunbathing!!!! In my back garden!!!!! Just lost £20billion off my share company value!!!!!!!!
Me? Well i put on the suit and headed into the office in t'city. The commute is ultra pleasant in the heat. Particularly on a packed tube. The temperature is similar to that of a nuclear reactor. I was thinking of doing Bikram Yoga today but there is no need on the commute.
Your shirt clings to you like you've just delivered multiple orgasms. Suit is crumpled and you arrive at the office looking like you've just jogged from Surrey. Either that or you've been on the piss all night. Either way you're refreshed and ready for a day ahead.
It makes me think how utterly unsuited us men are for winter and summer. I have two sets of clothes. Work and Not. The work clothes do not account for any changes in weather. Suits and stuff. The only change to winter is a coat. Men's summer clothes means rolling the sleeves up and undoing the top button and unloosening the tie.
Women on the other hand are military planned for any slight change in season or temperature. Whilst us men sweat our tits off, women look calm serene and ice cool in their well planned 'summer wardrobe'.
This to me is one of the utter differences between men and women. Women have winter and summer wardrobes. Men have a pile on the floor.
It amazes me that girls pack away winter clothes and replace their entire wardrobe with a summer one. How organised is that? Incredible. The only thing i have is a pile of jeans, a rack for 'smart' clothes, a load of pants and a spunk sock. Not alot of summer or winter there. Masturbation is for life not just xmas.
Work is done reluctantly in this weather. Obviously when you're in an air conditioned office it matters not what is happening outside. It could be scorching or raining cream eggs. When you're in the spreadsheet zone you don't notice.
But when it's hot and you go into work and the sun is bright, sky's are blue, there's a fresh haziness in the air it should be mandatory to suspend work. Instead it should be spent poncing about in a park or common in ultra tight speedos working hard to get the power tan.
Your belongings should include Papers, phone, laptop, beverages at the ready. Tan oil, towel, radio and an exclusion zone for people not to enter your public space.
Itinerary should be a mid morning settle in until late afternoon just to get back in time for an afternoon cup of tea and 'Flog it'. That in itself is a full days work. A hard shift. It's not good pay though. The Govt are only paying £57.80 for that. It's called Job Seekers Allowance.
Clearly when laying in the park you are keeping your eyes peeled for jobs, but there's not alot going by in Batersea park by the Lake. Still at least you can tell them you were looking.
The commute on the way home is awesome. Everyone is jointly fucked. Again women look like they've just stepped out of a model shoot. Men like they've stepped out of War. It's not a pretty sight. You could have a £2000 bespoke Saville Row suit on and men still look like they're selling the big issue.
My favourite though is running to catch a train, tube or bus and then catching it, standing on the packed transport until 2 minutes in the real sweat starts to come. And it keeps coming, so you look like you're withdrawing from Heroin. No amount of blowing or waving your hand to your face can cool you down. You just have to 'sweat it out'. Shouldn't have had Garlic bread for lunch. The carriage is gagging.
Latest Update from TOWIL. The matriarch is deeply unwell. She can now no longer eat or drink. Her cancer is now getting aggressive and she is effectively starving do death and dehydrated. My Mum and Brother are there full time and they say it is so distressing to see someone die this way. She is mentally alert and 'on'. Her life force remains so ultra strong, but who on earth can survive without any fuel or water? Let alone a 6 stone 97 year old woman.
She is remarkable and i am learning alot from her. She is one tough old girl from the 'old school' variety. She doesn't moan, complain or want to show she is poorly.
She is riddle with Cancer. She is 6 stone. She can't eat or drink. She is nearly bed bound. And you know the worst thing she said to complain today. She leaned across to my Mum and she said "I don't feel well today Janny".
That is the extent to her complaining. Fuck me. How hard and old school is that? Remarkable. Makes me feel ashamed of myself for moaning about feeling tired. The old school can certainly teach us younger generation a thing or two.
Looks like she will go into a hospice tomorrow to dry and hydrate her and feed her on a drip to get her back home for the Jubilee, so we can have a Jubilee party for her. Something that will be a great loving memory for the end of her life.
Obviously anyone from Llanelli and particulary Brymoor Road has to be a Royalist. Besides it maybe the one and only time i can eat Darkins Ladyboy penis sausages and Felinfoel eggs for breakfast from an Official Jubilee Plate. Mind you, I'm not getting a Camilla one. Fucked if I'm eating her out at 9 in the morning. If you know what i mean
xx
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