The day after the raging storm.
Yesterday was not one of my proudest. Storming out of anywhere is both needless and dramatic. I may as well have left my dummy behind. King baby.
When you get rage and act out on it, there is almost always a come down afterwards. Whether it be telling a call centre operative some home truths (only to have the phone put down on you) an argument, violence or road rage. Once the sense of injustice settles you almost always regret doing it.
Rage never gets anywhere.
I'm not sure what was more embarrassing. Storming out of a meeting with a parting shot of 'this is bullshit you can all fuck off' or nearly slipping over during the outburst.
I have seen people fall over when in the midst of shouting and it just makes the utter public humiliation even worse. Of course the perpetrator could never laugh at oneself. We are far too busy taking ourselves far too seriously for that.
Some of my points may have been valid. The feedback I've got from people seems to show that, it's the manner which I seem to execute it. The danger is getting myself labelled as 'anti God', 'anti happy' or 'anti AA'.
Everyone has a right to be who they want, say what they want and do recovery as they want. It would be a dull old world if we were all the same. It's also dangerous to get into a 'us versus them' type situation. Then I'm judging others as I would hate myself to be judged.
Just because I was having a bad day I don't expect everyone else too. Just like if I find it hard to connect to a higher power I don't believe other's shouldn't share about theirs.
It's true that like attracts like. We find enablers that will either agree or encourage us to be a certain way as it allows them to stay in their own behaviour. People who like being in the illness, will justify it, get others on their side to make it justifiable. Make sense?
I know I have to be careful about doing that. How many people are sitting in a pub tonight demolishing endless pints whilst running down AA. It's dangerous territory.
But it's also good to challenge. To question. To rattle a few cages. Part of me likes that and feels OK to do so. There is appropriate ways though.
Trouble is when you nail your colours to the mast, you get labelled as a hater or non believer or miserable. I have to try and have an open mind. I have to try and believe there are other ways other than my own.
This is difficult for an alcoholic, because we're all so utterly ego centric and all think we're right. Well I do anyway.
Reading some of the AA literature today made me think about the disease. I was struck by how many phrases there were which described the ego maniac alcoholic personality;
"We could feel superior to all of them."
"Defiance is the outstanding characteristic of many an alcoholic"
"we were far too smart for our own good"
And finally in Step 12 an absolute belter;
"When AA was quite young, a number of eminent psychologists and doctors made a study of a good-sized group of so called problem drinkers. They sought to find whatever personality traits, if any, this group of alcoholics had in common. These distinguished men had the nerve to say that most of the alcoholics were still childish, emotionally sensitive and grandiose."
Fucking boom!!!!! How funny. How true. It totally nails the alcoholic. It makes me laugh every time. Because that's why my ego runs off with me sometimes and that's the reason why sometimes I sit in rooms and listen to people who are not like that. They claim never to have been like that and that's when I start to get twitchy.
If I feel like an outsider or I don't belong in an AA meeting. I'm in big trouble and I start to get edgy.
Then when I read that literature, listen to people sharing honestly how they do not act like that or what they do to change it and go the other way, or their challenge in changing that's where I get the identification, experience and hope. I guess in a nutshell I didn't get that last night and over reacted.
I see that now.
In fairness. I got calls from 3 people at the meeting. They were very sweet and caring. I love alcoholics, I love the fellowship. It's big and old and ugly enough to hold lunatics like me and I'm lucky to have it.
God bless AA and all the other 12 step fellowships. I'm not quite sure how this little lunatic would manage without them.
Together We Are Stronger.
Nicholas E Evans
No comments:
Post a Comment