I felt so bad yesterday I resorted to doing a step 10 this morning to clear away all the shit accumulated in my brain. After meditating, writing my part over the past few days, praying (and smoking and drinking tea) I came to the simple conclusion I have been living in my alcoholic ego for the past few day, without realising it.
That is the reason I was on collision course with the world and in a near semi permanent state of anger, resentment, judgment, criticism and misery. Yes I haven't been well and in physical pain, but that's no excuse. It happens when you let the spiritual side slip. It happens ever slightly so subtly over a period of time. That is insanity.
The beauty of being sober a while Is the development of awareness and understanding of the disease and eventually you realise when you are in it. Self knowledge is nothing though without action. This only really happens to me when I speak to someone, or get in enough pain I am forced to commit pen to paper and make an honest self appraisal. Easy does it, but do it anyway.
I felt instantly better and my day became lighter. I could see more clearly and at least try to let a little of other people's life into mine. It felt good. So good in fact that when a guy on the train poked me and asked me to turn my music down on the Ipod, I just smiled, apologised and said "sure". Obviously my alcoholic ego immediately reacted internally, encouraging me to say, "Fuck you. Move carriage." Luckily that little fucker was under more control today. My mouth remained shut.
I'm off out for dinner tonight so wanted to keep it short.
Firstly it's Easter Bank holiday weekend. It's a hugely significant time for many. Obviously most people in this country are more into chocolate eggs than religion (have we got our spiritual principles the wrong way round?) so it's generally more a time to engage with DIY, The garden, overeating, spending time with family or waiting in traffic jams. There is no other feeling like a long bank holiday weekend feeling. It does odd things to people.
I have members of my family who are deeply religious so of course it is a massive time of the year. Out of respect I salute all those who worship at this time, it's just not quite for me but I dig the messages around it. Respect.
It's the first Easter weekend where I have been full time employed in a job with colleagues in the heart of London. I went out for drinks after work with them and I got that vicarious excitement feeling a bank holiday used to give me. The pubs were packed. People spilling out onto the streets in the spring sunshine. Everyone had 4 days off. I was almost rubbing my hands with glee at the thought of a huge session. There was a crackle in the air that is so special at this time of year. So exciting. Then I remembered I am 12 years sober, a recovering alcoholic and don't drink.
I had a diet coke with the troops and texted my girlfriend to say I would be a little later than 8pm. I meant 8.30pm, good job I don't drink because in the old days when I texted to say I would be, 'a little later', I usually meant around 8.30pm on Tuesday. I think sobriety's better for me (and everyone else, including the police)
Lastly Easter is a massive time for me personally. It's 4 years tomorrow since my Father died of alcoholism and 13 years on Easter Sunday since I rang AA for the first time and said 'help me'. The time of year and chain of events is not lost on me. I like to carry the huge ego and arrogance of my father into my own life. Carrying on the family tradition.
He died of alcoholism on Good Friday, I was reborn of sobriety on Sunday. Father and son. Rather self important isn't it - but deep down I do feel some kind of higher force at work there. Can it be that much of a coincidence?
All I know is tomorrow I'm spending it with my Mum, who is now a fully fledged black belt member of alanon and we will honour him by going to meetings, sharing and remembering him. Heavily shitted underpants and double comb and all.
Have a great Easter weekend and for Christ sake, do like Kate Carter my best reader does, and share this blog. Numbers are flagging. I need your help so tweet it, share it on Facebook, if you like it tell the world. This ego demands it.
Love you big
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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