Thursday, April 24, 2014

Day 102 - To thine own self be true...

I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.
Aristotle

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/aristotle117887.html#M11uLhvIfPzqa1xr.99
Self, self, self


"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self." - Aristotle

Yesterday  I wrote about how I was entirely in self all day until I went to a meeting. Today it was pointed out to me an irony that perhaps I missed.


I was told, I spent all day in self, then I went to a meeting to share about self and left the meeting thinking about what I was going to write, self and then went home to actually write about, wait for it, yes you guessed it, self!!


Christ when it's pointed out like that, it really is pure self isn't it? But is it a fair point? After all, as Aristotle pointed out above, the hardest victory is over self.


For me, when negative self takes over it is a bad thing. But, when in pursuit of a positive self, in the sense of who you are, what you believe in, what you want to do, where you want to be. That pursuit of self can only be a good thing. This blog is a view into my battle to get over self and all that comes with it. (with a few days of nonsense thrown in)


It did raise my shackles a bit when it was suggested (in a gentle way) that when I am thinking about self, planning what I'm going to write and actually writing this blog that I am missing what is actually going on with the world. I am missing life.


It smarted a bit to hear. But I can understand the point. I can see how it may come across. But let me explain why I don't necessarily agree. In the past 2 days I have made a mental shift, where I am determined to examine my own behaviour and stop pointing the finger of blame at others.


I am entirely responsible for my own life and decisions and I spend too long criticising or judging others whilst conveniently overlooking my own shortcomings. Yes I have owned up to them in this blog but on a deep gut level I've still been quick to point the finger.


I have written this before of course, but if I'm honest I've not really felt it. But today I feel it and it is refreshing to look at my role in life and the part I play. Some of it is uncomfortable. It doesn't stop others being out of order or doing things I don't agree with, but there is a great source of freedom and space in letting go of other people's harm or problems and concentrate on your own.


I suppose it can be argued this is self but in a good way. After all clearing away your own wreckage allows more space for the good stuff right? How can one enjoy and participate in life if your full of anger and resentment towards the world and it's ways? This is a peculiar kind of soul sickness,


So why do I disagree I am missing out on life by writing this?


Number 1


I'm bound to disagree as a justification of writing it. Members of my family complain they only learn what's going on with me through reading the blog but in writing one can share more freely as you don't have the pressure a conversation can bring, in the sense you sometimes have to edit what you say or not express yourself in a way that writing or indeed sharing at a meeting brings. It is a much rawer truth I enjoy.


Number 2 -  I really enjoy the process of creativity in writing. Especially when it's about raw truth. Granted it is about me. It can possibly get too samey and self obsessed but trust me there is a reason behind it. There is a bigger picture at play. I may not have found it yet, but believe it or not this blog is not just to massage my ego or self obsession.


Number 3 - I feel this is my calling. It is not for effect I write this. After all I'm only pulling in between 40-100 readers, but it's more a sense of duty and purpose I feel in throwing open the alcoholic personality and ego and explore the ways it tries to derail me. I see it more as a social experiment and search for the solution and truth, which I hope others can identify with.


That to me is life. It is a life I am interested in. In a slightly wank, arty way I feel I'm being pure to myself and displaying artistic and creative integrity. Of course, if it means missing out on some things in life then I'm prepared for that. In truth some of life bores the shit out of me anyway. What he did, what she did etc etc. I can watch that in Eastenders. Some days I just want to get under the bonnet, observe what's there and try to get rid of the bad stuff. You have no idea what a good response to my writing does for me. It is a source of deep joy when people like and connect.


So I guess I am very protective of my work, whilst retaining a healthy respect for the observations of people close to me. I like feeling that way for today. I feel rather free and much easier in my own skin. I feel I am doing what I believe in, what I enjoy and what I feel is right.


"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." - William Shakespeare

Therefore this pursuit of self is a good thing, but just like any good addict is flirts dangerously close to being destructive when wallowed in negatively. It's the same for most things. To most normal people a Mars Bar is a treat, to me, it is the prelude to 25 more. To most normal people sex is to be enjoyed, for me, it is to define you.


These are the themes I am interested in. What is lacking in some of us that we need these things to define us. Why can I not stop at one? Why do I wallow in self or pity or fear?


These are all fascinating questions and ones for tonight I don't have any answers to, but I will be exploring them this year. I suppose that's why I've only got 50 regulars. It takes patience, diligence and a raw courage to read this let alone write it.


Most blogs or self help pieces are easy to digest. Those who have read this all the way through are the hardcore. The elite. You should congratulate yourself as I genuinely believe this is the best blog in the world. Perhaps not the best written and possibly the hardest to read but the best material, so I commend you. We're all in it together and just for today I feel really good we are.


To thine own self be true is surely the way to happiness. That, £23 million and a 12 inch cock. I guess I'm going to have to pursue the former. Far more attainable.


Together We Are Stronger


Aristotle and Shakespeare quotes in one blog and mention of a 12 inch cock. Doesn't get more eclectic than that does it?


Nicholas E Evans






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