Today is an experiment. I'm going to write pre and post AA meeting and see if it's any different.
Firstly these are all thoughts that usually stay in my head. I wouldn't be sharing these publicly in a coffee shop or to anyone else. These are all streams of consciousness. Stand by. Here goes;
Pre meeting - I'm sat here at 7pm. I don't want to write today. If I'm honest I'm not in a great mood. I don't feel particularly well. I have a cold that's gone to my chest, I am running low energy, my back and neck hurts and I'm in a negative state of mind. My chest and lungs are burning through ultra heavy smoking, yet I cannot/will not stop. I have had candida all week. I feel trapped. Fucking fuck fuck.
My physical is affecting my mental. My mental is affecting my physical and it's a vicious circle. My mother or others who love me, will probably read this and say, 'why don't you just stop all the fags, sweetener and make yourself feel better'.
If I'm honest the mood I'm in today I'll probably just want to tell people to 'fuck off'. Leave me alone to be in my own misery. Fuckity fuck fuck.
The AA meeting I usually go to tonight is less than 2 miles down the road. It may aswell be 222. Such is my lack of desire to go. Instead I want to sit in, do nothing, isolate, feel crap, think about how much my body hurts, castigate myself for not exercising today, how I'm powerless over stopping all the bad things I put into myself, castigating myself for all the Law of Attraction, positive thinking development I've been listening to and give myself a proper caning for not doing any of it.
Sounds gloomy right? Well you wouldn't have thought that at work. I put on my face and cracked on but inside I wasn't really at the races. Feel like I'm operating on around 40% this week.
I'm looking at everything through shit tinted glasses. The negatron is in full force so I'm going to go to my meeting at 8pm and see if it helps change my perception, my mood and my thinking. Lord knows I need it. I shall report back later to inform you.
Half Time
11pm back from the meeting. Spent the most of it in searing resentment, judgment, anger and on the phone. To say my mind wasn't on recovery is an understatement. I so didn't want to be there. My ego was in charge. I was Looking out for the differences, feeling I was doing something wrong, feeling judged, judging. Purely in ego.
The Result?
I'm the problem, nobody else and it's all just growing pains. Suck it up Nicholas, stop moaning, get some kip, meditate, pray and go again tomorrow. The world isn't as bad a place as your mood took you to today. My head is the enemy sometimes, it's just by sharing it is like a mental enema. I always feel better when I dump the poison out of the head. That's why when I drank my favourite expression was, 'lets get out of our heads'. I'm beginning to understand that better now.
Today has gone. I will feel differently tomorrow and these thoughts, writings would have passed. No dramas. No need to go into depth. Uncover, discover, discard. As Stephen Gerrard said at the weekend, 'This has gone. We go again tomorrow (Saturday) Together"
I always feel better after a meeting. Today was a great observation of how hard my ego will fight to keep me miserable, separate and isolated. Thank god I didn't give in to it. But fuck me I was a miserable sod when in it.
Together We Are Stronger
NE
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