Hello readers. Are you having a good day? How's your weekend? Are you up to much? Whatever you're doing I hope you're enjoying.
It's Saturday evening and I'm sat at home writing this blog.
I wasn't feeling it today. I must admit I'd rather be doing almost anything else than writing this. I was almost tempted to clean my filthy windows, it was that bad.
Why am I so reluctant to write? The sun is shining outside, it's a spring evening. I could be doing almost anything. Cinema, friends, meeting, walk, meditate, movie.
My girlfriend is away for the weekend, we usually do stuff on Saturday night so I have a free night. In the past this would have meant filling it with meaningless sex, dates or other kinds of dubious behaviour. Instead I am struck with such an enormous feeling of apathy that in truth I cannot be arsed to do anything. I feel isolated.
I woke up in an iffy mood. A sort of disconnection from life. No drive, no desire, no get up and go today. Why I'm not sure. I felt OK last night.
I'm not feeling physically great this week, my body hurts today and the head is most definitely on me. It's telling me quite a few negative messages loudly. I've tried to avoid it, nip it in the bud, shit it off and counteract it, but it is relentless and I just feel like curling up, isolating and keeping a low profile tonight.
That's why I didn't want to write. Pride. I want to write great stuff, positive pros, reports of doing extraordinary things, vitality, joy of life.
Instead I have retreated into the head and am locked in. I am writing this to break free.
I want to write that I am finding solutions, that I'm not living in the problem. I feel embarrassed and guilty today that I'm not.
My head was on me when I got up. The indecision. The disconnection. The gloom. The emptiness. The isolation. All nonsense of course but oh so real.
Then the attempt to change the thinking. Prayer, meditation, a meeting, tea with a friend, the gym , then meet another good mate for a couple of hours of brutal sharing. It was good. It worked I wasn't in my head. The feelings of before weren't there.
Then I got back home at 7pm and back they came. Flooding in. Negative thoughts cascading in like a river of shit. 'Your still smoking, your still drinking DC, your neck hurts, you're not changing, you haven't got anything interesting lined up, you don't know what you want, you haven't rung your sponsor, you haven't checked in, not many people have rung you, your unable to commit to a relationship fully, your damaged.
I even started to doubt this blog, what I write, my recovery. The whole shooting match. It was all going on. The door had opened and negativity kicked it down.
I put on The Secret and listened. The bit where it said 'you control your thoughts. Only you can change the dynamic of your life." I turned it off. Dynamism can come tomorrow.
Instead I chose to do something I avoid. I sat with it. really horrible, uncomfortable feelings that a 10 mile run, 200 press ups, a wank, interest from a woman or other forms of attention/avoidance can do to help take you away from this head. I didn't do any of these things. I sat in my kitchen, in silence, writing this.
As I write it I could feel myself lifting. I could feel the negativity lift (slightly) but just enough to notice. I could peek into the irrational thinking and say, 'It's OK. It's not going to kill you. It's just FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real). I could tell I needn't 'fix' on something to change the way I feel.
It may seem small, insignificant or routine for you reading this but for me? It's colossal (my favourite new word). I cannot begin to describe what kinds of weird and wonderful ways of avoiding uncomfortable feelings I have come up with. I'll save that for the book.
I'm too tired anyway. I have no desire for any of that shit. Instead I will allow my feelings to come...........and go. Just like the tide.
Some days are better than others, the important thing is to know when you're tired, ill, in pain or life situations, it's easy for the head to latch on and run away with itself. Catastrophising everything.
Yes, it maybe true that I can change my thinking. That right actions will help to create fulfilment.
But some days you just have to shrug your shoulders, acknowledge you're not feeling amazing, shut the curtains, switch on (Insert crap TV here....) and just say;
"Thanks for today God. I didn't drink, I didn't cheat, I didn't piss anyone off, I didn't argue, I didn't get arrested, I didn't hurt anyone.Yes I judged a man in the meeting this morning for wearing sunglasses inside, but he deserved it, what kind of show off cunt does that? Not even me in my most attention seeking ways does that kind of shit, but on the whole my scorecard read + today. I may not have set the world on fire. This may not be the best ever blog but you've done OK. Give yourself a break young man. Apparently that's the start to loving yourself. Cheers God"
Enjoy the rest of your weekend and come on Liverpool FC
NE
and so it went on.
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