Day 106 - FEAR

Short blog today as I'm just in and it's been a long old day.


Not a bad day. Meditated this morning, went to work, got busy, then a good meeting tonight.


Weirdly at around 2pm, after a business meeting I started to get terrific fear around my job. Low self esteem kicked in and I started to have major doubts about my performance. I started to get overwhelmed, feel inferior and it felt odd.


I carried on regardless, but I really noticed how much I am governed by fear and low self esteem. How it can strike at any given time.


If I'm honest it has been with me deep down all my life. It has driven my actions. I still have it now.


I have gone into relationships, screwed around, run marathons, changed jobs and lived my life driven by a deep rooted fear of not being good enough or afraid to let go. It's so deep most people wouldn't ever see it.

My actions and life could be described as a series of events, but if I'm honest most of it has been a desperate attempt to run away, bury or hide from the fear.


But how long can you run? How many outside forces can you keep chasing to fix the inherent low self esteem inside?


When I'm busy with life, I'm usually OK. You haven't got time to think about it. But when you realise the whole life has been one long avoidance of responsibility due to fear you start to get the picture.


Fear of commitment, fear of settling down, fear of being trapped, fear of letting go, fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough, fear of being skint, fear of rejection, abandonment. And so it goes on. FEAR.


When this is coupled with the polar opposite, a higher ego and sense of expectant entitlement then it is on a collision course to run your life. That is how one creates the life one has. I have got exactly what I deserved. All the relationships, the sex, the women, the acting out, the health, the eating, the body dismorphia, the endurance events, the lack of planning for the future. All of it is as a direct result of my actions to try and manage the chronic fear.


You would never know it when looking or speaking to me. I am out going, sociable, cocky sometimes. I come across as ultra confident. Fear cannot be detected. But deep down, holy fuck I'm terrified and this keeps me believing i'm not a proper man because I have avoided responsibility. It cuts deep. It's a painful place to be, unwilling to face the fear and unable to admit defeat. Pride and ego running the show. Not a lot of time for a higher power in that set up is there?


This is all deep rooted stuff. Things I haven't dared to look at or visit and to be fair, at 10.45pm, when I've just got in and Minder is on ITV4. It can wait for another day.


Just thought I'd bring it up


Together We Are Stronger


Nicholas Evans