It's a little late, so forgive this rather short entry (sound's like a line from a 1970's sitcom.) I've been busy being massively important today.
When you're a legend in your own lunchtime (or living room) being massively (self) important is par for the course. Usually the most important people are the ones who don't think that, so that's something for me to shoot for.
A good day today. Started off with a 5 minute meditation, which always helps. Mind you I was busting for a cigarette halfway through and I lasted around 90 seconds before my mind started churning. Still I managed to hang in there for the full 5 minutes. It may not seem like much to you hardened meditation bastards out there but when you're out of practice it can seem like a lifetime.
I had a couple of very positive work meetings, in the morning with people who are exceptionally 'up' and positive. This rubbed off on me and I found myself feeling in a pretty chirpy mood. I liked this unusual feeling. More please!
The rest of the day was spent doing work and acting all normal. Even though inside I'm a raging lunatic, luckily nobody in my professional life has detected yet. My heart is in the right place, I'm committed, motivated and enthusiastic. It feels good to be content today in my work. I guess I'm pretty lucky on that score. It's only for today mind, as I'm aware things can change pretty quickly, but just for today I enjoyed it.
In the evening I met a mate whom I've got a lot of time for. He's struggling a little so we had a good chat. Lots of identification. Man, he has so much knowledge and awareness. More than me. But fuck me, did he over-complicate it and seemed to be doing his level best to wriggle out of what I identified as alcoholism.
You know when you see someone who has so much talent, personality and sense of humour yet cannot see what is REALLY ruling them? It's painful as you know how good they can be. I heard a lot of complicated thinking when it could be summed up in one word. 'Alcoholism'.
Either I'm brainwashed and can only see one thing (I have been accused in the past, usually by people in total denial) or I have a genuine ability to spot the disease (or similar ones like it, Ism anyone?). I have to be brutally honest with myself on this, which one is it?
my heart, soul and guts tell me the later. I'm not sure about many things in life but I'm sure about that. I guess in no small part due to my life, upbringing and being surrounded by alcoholism all my life, I feel pretty informed and it feels natural to spot this soul sickness and behavioural patterns in others.
It doesn't stop me from being in it myself of course or making a right balls up of my life sometimes. I'm not holier than thou or claim to be fixed or some kind of morally and spiritually more superior being. Far from it. But I'm totally certain when I can hear, see it and spot it in other people's characters. I was brought up with it since as far back as I can remember. It's like a sixth sense I have. (I know this is dangerous ground and you maybe thinking I'm deluded and the oracle but trust me, run with it for now)
How can I be so sure? Well tonight I was at a meeting at The Priory. I met a bloke in there 6 months ago who asked for a chat. He was on Suicide watch. He unloaded his troubles. About how his partner had left, how he was totally reliant on her, how he felt empty without her, how he had drunk for 20 years, how she had propped him up. And so it went on.
I listened for 10 mins but after 1 I knew exactly what the problem was. I'm no expert on other illnesses or a qualified doctor. But to me it was clear as day, textbook untreated alcoholism. Plain and simple. He had no defence and it was ruling his mind, his life and all those around him. But of course he didn't see it.
Today he was in the meeting, 6 months sober, looking great. Yes, still off his head, mad as a box of frogs, but so am i, and I identify with him, but he was giving it a go and in a better place. He was there and so was I. If that's not evidence of my theory I don't know what is. I cant argue with hard facts.
So what am I really interested in?
The first step to solving a problem is accepting it. Once you accept you can ask for help. If you cannot ask for help you will always sit in the problem in one way or other. And I mean REALLY ask for help. Not in stages. Not on your terms. But to be so utterly desperate that you will do anything suggested to get better. That's the real golden shower right there. Everything recovery based comes from there.
To me that's physical sobriety. Could be from drink, drugs, food, sex, gambling, relationships, financial responsibility. Whatever. The first bit is in physically putting down the substance or behaviour or even being willing to want to try and change it. Once the door to true willingness is creaked open. BOOM, you're in business.
Then you are faced with how to you maintain it. That to me is the second part of the equation. Emotional sobriety. The bit that takes a long time. That is the journey. For some it is quicker than others. For some of us it's a lifetime work. That's the journey I'm really interested in. It is a painful bumpy road. There are many blips along the way. Many times you cannot see a way out. But if you have the willingness it will happen. I'm still waiting but becoming more and more aware of the process. It is a fascinating journey.
It's a lonely old battle doing it solo. Sometimes I've done it myself and it usually ends in some kind of pain. Either physical or emotional for me or another person. I've seen people try for years and they only ever end up ill,. sad, unhappy, miserable, isolated, drunk or dead. Still refusing to let go and really ask for help. They say it's pride before a fall. I'm beginning to understand what that means now. Pride will prevent us from so much, including getting the help we need.
Sometimes I don't want emotional sobriety. I want madness, badness, sadness, danger or me. That's just part of the learning process and the journey to emotional sobriety though. That's pretty much the money shot for me. What I'm truly interested in and if I'm honest The Inside Job is pretty much a self examination of that process. It's what floats my boat and I love it.
There I go again banging on about recovery. Like some kind of evangelical preacher. My Lord, Idwell Isaac Evans would be so proud.
Together We REALLY are stronger.
Fuck the pride and ask for help. Courage is in vulnerability not in silence
NE
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