Day 36 - Monday 6th Feb - I'm Alive!

I'm alive!

7 days without diet coke and caffeine today! I have felt like a freshly squeezed dog shit for 2 weeks and a real miserable bastard, but tonight i did a Bikram Yoga class (still can't run for a week or so) and i had energy and came out feeling like a member of the human race. I'm alive. Hooray!!

Apologies to anyone who has continued to read this blog over the past 2 weeks (is there anyone still reading it?) I've been in a dark space. But tonight I've felt some green shoots of humanity returning.

As you know I've been Unable to run, feeling crappy and put on 4lbs so my ultra skinny fit tailored suits and waistcoats have felt like a straight jacket. But tonight i had energy in yoga and could feel the slight pang of the real energy sprouting through the false saccharine fug i have been so used to. Still a long way to go though, but it's great to have some optimism and lightness back.

I have to admit i didn't start off like that this morning. 7am alarm and the day was greeted with a sigh. I told myself in morning prayers, meditation and pages to look more positively on life and to try to change the head. To greet adversity with a positive mindset.

I was lucky then that the commute into work gave me so many chances to work on my attitude.

2 delayed trains immediately greeted me at the station. Next 3 were too busy to get and and the 4th was so crowded i was almost being humped all the way to Shepherds Bush by a guy with Garlic breath and a big woman with more rolls than Greggs. I was not happy.

Then Shepherds Bush escalator broke, resulting in charge of the light brigade for the stairs, and the central line had minor delays, that were as minor as terminal cancer. The snow had clearly fucked the entire West London transport system. After 50 minutes i was literally loving this opportunity to turn this into a positive.

It was the same last week, but last week when i was feeling so rough, so self obsessed and insular - i wanted to exterminate all TFL employees and their families. Today i just waited, read and thought, bugger it. Improvements!

The attitude grew better throughout the day. Telling myself to be nice and smile to the people at work i hold deep resentments about. Result. A better day and response from said people. Weird that?

And tonight? well the injury still not amazing, but definately better than a week ago, so that is positive and i did my 3rd Yoga class in 4 days and as i say, i felt pretty good. The only unfortunately thing was letting out a phenomenally stinky fart half way through 'warrior' pose. It stunk worse than a tramp on fire. Luckily there was a really large obese man next to me. He had bushy eyebrows and just had 'guilty' written all over him, so i reckon i got away with that one, especially as the class was packed full of fit young girls. The budgie smugglers would have been crawling away in embarrassment. I just kept looking at the guy next to me in disgust, just to create the illusion even more, Not that anyone was paying attention to me - just my self obsessed head thinking they were. Unfortunately I'm not that important.

So, busy day tomorrow. will try and squeeze another yoga in. Hope my energy comes back fully and i continue my journey back to humanity

If you have stuck with the blog over the past 2 weeks, consider it the marathon equivalent of the wall. Reading it was painful, morose in parts, you wanted to stop, but if you stick with it, it gets easier and the joy comes out, then it gets painful again, but ultimately in the end you will feel rewarded and enlightened as a result. Hopefully it won't make you feel sick.

As i said, this blog. It;s a marathon, not a sprint

Enjoy your week. Big love and Man hugs

N
xx