Day 21 - Sunday 22nd January

Miles 11; Time - 1 hour 30 Min's; Conditions - angry; Weekly mileage - 41 miles

Today i have alcoholism. How can this be if I'm Not drunk, not hungover, i don't desire a drink but i am suffering from alcoholic head and personality syndrome. It may not make any sense to non alcoholics or people who don't know what alcoholism is (not that you should have to know of course) But i most definitely have the alcoholic head. I'm so angry and resentful today. Calm and logic is not my friend.

What is this? Well it's basically what normal people have, but it seems to amplify in the head and then unless you have a replacement, in my case a 12 step recovery programme and fellowship of other people in same boat as me, then it would result in total carnage, self destructive angry drinking that would only end in chaos and tears, blood or arrest. My solution to this head? This resentment? This boiling anger? To get totally pissed of course. Not sociably drunk, not even happily drunk, but to drink in the same way as Tottenham Hotspur played under Ossie Ardiles - attack, attack, attack and to hell with the consequences. It is a supreme case of the fuck it's. When things get too tight you just get this enormous thought of 'Fuck it' in the head and head off drinking. I suppose it's just escape really, but it never helps the situation.

I can't explain why. I can't even offer any logic. I just know that when i guzzle that 1st drink i cannot stop until I've reached oblivion, so it's best that i don't have the 1st one and so the rest will not follow. That in essence the difference between heavy drinkers and alcoholics - the ability to have an 'off' button

But just because i don't drink it doesn't mean i don't think like an alcoholic. I don't have the monkey mind. The searing resentments, anger and deep hatred at certain things. That's why i need regular meetings. Without them for a while the alcoholic head becomes so loud, so unmanageable then the 'fuck it' button becomes bigger, life harder and this will eventually end in a drink.

Of course all of us as human beings suffer these emotions and life difficulties. I am not trying to claim more pain or suffering than anyone else. But the difference between healthy people and alcoholics/addicts is the way to deal with these. Being in AA helps me to live with my condition (Ie my head ) and unresolved issues and a Maladjusted attitude to life.

It also helps me not to act on these thoughts and ultimately to replace with another way of thinking that helps me deal with it and then change it and alter my attitude and behaviour. In essence the alcoholic needs to work hard, just to be a normal member of society. But that is our role, our job and it is possible to do this.

I have massive respect for people who can do this solo, but for me, i need help to do it.

So today, after a bit of family turmoil, arguments, disagreement and my total frustration of the ignorance towards alcoholism and how people don't want to accept it, accept it's hold over a family, how much damage it causes historically. The denial of it (people would rather have police, arrests, carnage, destruction than admit a problem and seek recovery openly) In short, the ignorance of it, especially from people directly suffering from it is incredible. It does my head in - hence why I'm running for Action on Addiction, raise some cash for it but more importantly a little awareness.

Most people think alcoholism as a weakness. They have little or no sympathy for alcoholics. (and fair enough why should they?) Because most people drink and can take it or leave it. Choose to stop after 3-4 drinks, they form an opinion and judgment based on that. Therefore, in some people's head it's the alcoholics fault, They choose to drink, they choose not to give up so sod them.

Fair enough, people have enough of their own problems. But what if it is a genetic thing? Why does the World Health Organisation recognise it as 3rd biggest killer illness in the world. Would you blame someone if they had cancer? Just because a doctor cannot prescribe alcoholism and they don't put it on a death certificate it means that people cannot justify it as a bona fide disease. What if it is? What if we change our perception to it?

But how come it took my Dad 30 years to slowly kill himself. Finally of liver failure on the death certificate but that was just physical symptom of alcoholism. What of my brother, my family affected by it? How many Children have been affected emotionally because of the disease. It spreads everywhere and leaves damage. But who wants to recognise this?

We look at people like George Best and famous alcoholics and see them as a bit of a rogue, but millions of nobodies die alcoholic deaths that no-one knows about. No-one writes headlines about the hard lives families have in dealing with them. Go and check out the liver wards of hospitals. See people lined up, yellow, jaundiced, about to die and all of them will say, 'I'm no alcoholic. I like a beer, but......" They are in denial to the death as are families. Try going into prison and seeing 70% of people in there for drink or drug problems. Yet we waste money every day to punish the addicts, not cure them. How much money would we save if a large amount of them tried to become 'normal members of the human race?' Contributing not taking.

Today's run was spent thinking about all this, (nice and lighg thoughts) targeting members of my family with resentment, sharpening it and even arguing with them in my head whilst running. Crazy! Busy day so i only had time for 11 miles.

Ran up to Hyde Park and saw some great London sites, including Buckingham Palace and The Eye, (although i was actually shouting out loudly to no-one in particular 'Wankers' like a great big mad person. The sites were Stunning and lots of tourists agreed. They spend fortunes coming to see these, i live just down the road, how lucky am i?. I ran down the Mall where the marathon ends and tried to think of the buzz on the day, for some positive thoughts.

I wanted to stop after 20 Min's. Leg hurt, tired, angry etc. I carried on and then found the resentment and used it to power on for 11 miles. I felt OK but every step was like sharpening a resentment. OK for short term but not possible to sustain for long period, you would emotionally burn yourself up.

I saw a girl with very short skirt and long high heeled boots on a Boris bike, so that was nice light relief. And it was only right at the end when i think my anger slightly relented.

Best feeling was waiting in Tesco, to buy papers and grub dripping in sweat after the run, it's always very satisfying to have it done, out the way and you feel good about that (anyone running long will know)

So that's it, apologies about the rant, the anger, the gloomy tone today but that's my space today. It maybe different later, I'm sure maybe I'm wrong on some points, but you know what, isn't that part of being human. To learn, to grow, to change, to learn.

I have allot of learning and changing to do, but i want to always be one thing. True, open and honest and a non bullshitter. I have seen the pain and seen it hidden and i never want to do that. Maybe it's too open, maybe i say too much, maybe it;s too opinionated and brutal but that is the reason for this blog.

Today anger and resentment helped me fuel my training but i wouldn't recommend that as a long term plan, however if your running long, find something to works, that occupies you to help with the boredom and the horror of the long time and mileage ahead of you.

good job you can't be arrested for your thoughts. I'd be looking at a long stretch judging by today's internal thinking. Messy

enjoy your day

xx