Day 1 on January 2nd 2012

I had the idea to write a training blog a few weeks ago, when i was out running. The 2012 London Marathon will be my 6th, i have also completed 2 marathons during the UK Ironman's i did a couple of years ago.

However, if i'm being honest i stopped running and couldnt be arsed to write one. Sloth you see. Plus i thought, 'not another of those self serving training blogs, no-one will read it plus what the hell can you add to training anyway?" - See told you i had a nice peaceful non negative head.

But then i went away to Dubai for Christmas. Primarily to avoid the carnage of constant eating and also to get some sunshine and get the training kick started by running every day on the beach. This i did and enjoyed it very much, running on average 6-8 miles every morning.

Whilst i was there i saw a friend of mine who runs every day without fail, and if i'm being honest i was ultra impressed by their focus, dedication, determination and drive to commit to something every day no matter what. Skills that i have severely lacked all my life.

I also read a book, "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running", by Haruki Murakami. A superb little book about his life and running and how these two are interlinked with how he lives his life.

I also got thinking (as you do when you are away in the sun, lolling on the beach with time and space) - and i thought, i am 40 this year. It is Olympic Year, I am not married, I'm single, I have no kids, My job is ok but not what i dreamt of. I have avoided all kinds of responsibility for 39 years, and i was taking stock thinking. "What do i want. Should i not be more grown up? What do i want to do? Who am I?" - You know all of that kind of thinking. The best answer i could come up with was 'I don't know', which was a little troubling.

Most of my friends my age are married, kids, own company, mortgage, pensions, none of which i have or understand and again if i'm being honest i have avoided because of fear. It feels sometimes that people have the rule book for life. I know they don't but thats how i feel sometimes, and i was bunking off the day they gave them out at school. I admire people very much for getting stuck in and impressive but am unable to answer why i have not or dont feel like i have joined in to this. Yes i could have been married 3 times and held down jobs and flats etc and given off the image of getting on with life, but inside it certainly hasn't felt this way. Ultimately Running away has felt a safer option. But then when you get to this age it no longer feels like a good option, certainly not in the eyes of society or indeed myself sometimes.  .

So i thought, well write about it. Put action in and maybe through that you will discover more about these questions. Maybe others will have thought the same things? Yes there is a risk in making your thoughts public but then i've always spilt my guts easily anyway, for good and bad.

Make it funny but most of all make it real and it doesn't matter if anyone reads it. It is a record for me that i can hopefully learn from, some bits will be good, some bad. Some entries will be ultra short and some longer.

But all based around training for the 2012 London Marathon, as i see running and my attitude to training so closely linked to my attitude in life and how i live it. Maybe i will learn something and get to be a better writer. Maybe i will become a better runner. My goal is to run a sub 3hour 30 marathon and currently my best is 3hours 41 in 2008. But as i say i havent joined a club, followed any scientific training programme and don't want to move out of my comfort zone of running at my pace. Why? Because it requires effort and pain of course. See told you i was lazy!

Finally, the title. Really it's a homage to my head. My natural state is one of 'can't do'. 'If at 1st you can't succeed. give up and play x box'. I can't help it, thats just the way i was born, just like i couldn't control the colour of my eyes etc. I come from a long line of welsh alcoholic lazy male bastards. Thats why i gave up drinking, thats why i committed to ultra endurance sports, becuase it challenged this natural state of order for me. Even though for a large part my head has said, 'stop running and eat hagen dazs', i have kept going, depite myself.

This time i want to see if i can let my head catch up with my feet and see if i really can challenge this attitude through this marathon. If i don't, well i'm going to look foolish. If i do, well bingo and i'll be a happy man.

Let the journey begin!

Nicholas Edward Evans, 7am Monday 2nd January