Mileage 0 - (7 mile cycle in the Gym though) Weekly Mileage 0
Today, instead of talking about the Monday blues. About how full of fear i felt. About how uninspired at work i felt. How unsatisfied with my lot. How my glass is half empty. How the old devils in my head are loud and clear. How ungrateful i am.
Instead of writing about how utterly fucked off i am at my inability to stick at things, work at them and get good at them. Comedy (dabbled but not continued) Joke writing (stopped after a month) Guitar (3 lessons) Personal Training (1 client) - This blog is the only thing i've kept at consistently for over 3 months.
Instead of writing how demoralised and unhappy i am at my sloth and fear, and how it keeps me down there. Hard to read isn't this? Full of depressive self abusive, hard on one self, self obsessed negativity. No answer, No lightness. No release. Self Pity. If it was like this all the time you wouldn't return or read on would you? Well do so, it's about to change......
Well readers, welcome to my world, Hard to read. God you want to try living in it full time. It's my head on a bad day. It is loud, it's full on, it's negative. It's like listening to Chris Moyles breakfast Show playing Radiohead on a loop 24 hours a day. There's No end to it. Understand why i used to drink now?
So............. instead of talking about all that is wrong, as i listed above I'm going to talk about the solution instead. I rang my AA sponsor and had a good long talk, i went to an AA meeting and shared loud and long to get the shit in my head out. It worked exactly the same way as the pub and alcohol used to. Shit day? Feel Bad? Well off to the pub, few beers let off steam and then get on the piss. Good day? off to the pub. Pressure build up in head.Off to the Pub. In short, my problem? Me and my head.
Instead these days, i do the call, get the message, get to a meeting have a share up to relieve the pressure and i feel better. Normal. Better for me and it makes the Police's and everyone elses life easier.
So what effects this change? Well tonight readers I'm going to have to own up and say the word that is guaranteed to switch people off. "Whats that?" i hear you say, if you haven't actually killed yourself yet. Well, that word. 3 letters, Many meanings. God.
"Oh god' they cry. Well, no I'm not going to preach. I want to talk about it. To understand it. Hell, i need to get a bit more of it in my life.
I used to hate God. My thoughts on it were Songs of Praise, Aled Jones and sensible knitwear. All those fucking do gooders, prancing around with tambourines and pissing around at harvest festival time. They didn't blink, they didn't have fun and they were weak. That pretty much summed up my attitude to people with faith. I was open minded back then you see.
My Grandfather, Idwyll Isaac Evans, was a Fire and Brimstone Welsh Lay Preacher. He was a fabulous speaker, dreadful bully and awful driver. Kind of put me off the church as my exposure to it was in Llanelli, where it was attended by old people in beige or grey, in Sunday Best, smelling of cabbage, talking about baking cakes and compost. The organ hummed quietly, there was that awful hush in peoples voices and the whole thing just felt wrong to me.
They love a bit of misery in Llanelli. So consequently funerals were packed as were other religious celebrations, although they looked to be doing anything other than celebrating. Moralistic, old fashioned, judgmental bastards. And that was just the choir. It didn't leave a good impression on me.
And thus my attitude continued like this throughout my childhood, into adulthood. Clearly when i was drinking and getting pissed i had little or no spiritual or religious empathy or interest. In my old open minded, liberal mindset, that was for 'pussies'. I was stuck.
And so to my relationship with the big fella over the last 10 years. Clearly when i went to AA and was asked to believe in a God. A power greater than myself. This was a huge problem for me, as my image was in the traditional God of Wales. Mrs Organ Morgan and Sunday best in twin set and pearls. I wasn't prepared to believe in that. I was 28. I wanted to rock. OK, my life was a mess, i was paranoid, overweight, couldn't stop drinking, emotionally weak and completely fucked. But God? No, fuck no. Please. Don't do that? All i want to do is stop drinking. How about the God of Vodka?
But when someone pointed out God could mean, Great Out Doors, Good orderly Direction or Group of Drunks. As i have quoted before, someone told me "The Only Thing you Need to Know about God, Nick, Is that You're Not Fucking it" - that became a little easier. I was prepared to believe in something. AA helped me stay sober. i couldn't on my own, so that was good enough for me. Bigger than me. Not down to me. And i liked that.
And that is pretty much how it has stayed throughout the last 10 years. I handed my alcohol over every day and so far i havent drunk, but the rest of it, well i figured god wouldn't need to bother and i can handle finance, romance and everything in between. Result? Well I'm not exactly swinging from the chandeliers am i?
Well, the answer to all of those are probably No. I don't feel god. I still have reservations. I am still reluctant to completely 'trust in god'. I do the actions but i don't FEEL them within me. If id really do will i effectively turn into Cliff Richard and start wearing my jumper over my shoulders?
I've been praying like a bastard, but i can't help get the feeling I've been going through prayers like a newsreader reading the autocue without actually feeling them. When life is going OK and my head is quiet it's not so much of a problem. When my head is loud and negative, and that girl hasn't texted, my bank balance is low, I've had a crap day, when the comedy club goes badly, when i feel stuck. When i feel lonely and low. Well, basically it's like Vietnam in the head. Apparently according to wise ones, that is the gap that God can fill. Faith in that instead of people, places or things. Apparently it gives you an inner strength and confidence. Something i severely lack and have filled up with booze, women, food, sex, running and many other things over the years.
Faith that there is a plan. That things will work out. That it won't all turn to shit. That it's just my perception, my head. That it's not necessarily the truth. That I'm not as much of a twat as my inner voice tries to tell me. When that is in place, i feel fuck loads better. Lighter, more hopeful.
I get the fact that i can't just lay on the sofa watching Cash in the Attic waiting for God to deliver me splendid things. Much as i want to. But there is that fabulous phrase 'God will give you the shovel but you've got to do the digging'. Ahhh, i get it now.
And then it gets me thinking about why i am so turned off by religion. Because for me, if that process works. If it makes me feel better than that's great and i appreciate it. However, other people may be able to figure that out themselves. The self sufficient. Or people may use other forms of mediation, work, family, friends, life, challenges to get that comfort, faith and direction. Some people Just know how to. Some people do use faith and religion and a skin tight faith in God, or Allah or Buddha or whatever God you want to attain that.
Difference between a personal spiritual faith and some religious ones is that i would never preach to you that you should do as i do. That i have the upper hand in belief. That my God is bigger and better than your god, like some sort of 13 year old trying to win an argument. That i am enlightened and you are in the dark.
That's what i see from a lot of organised religion and if I'm being honest it's not for me. That is not to put down any other people who do follow it. Good luck to everyone and people have their own paths.
But if my religion is better than yours i find it odd. Because if God really did exist, do you think he would have an ego? Saying that he was better than you? I don't think so, so why do so many organised religions fall into that trap. I guess for that reason, as they say in Dragons Den, 'I'm Out'.
Blimey folks I'm not sure where that came from. Congratulations if you've read all the way. I promise tomorrows blog will be short and funny. It will be Danny Devito. But i needed to get that off my chest.
Now, surely it's time for bed? I so wish i put as much time into praying as i have to masturbating. Blimey, if i had, by now i would be a cross between Florence Nightingale and Princess Diana. Come to mention it, those two were a couple of lookers. Where's the Kleenex? Please God take away such immoral thoughts........................
Until tomorrow joggers
xx
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