Day 101 - Weds 11th April - Having a Bad Day?

Mileage 6; Time -  50 Minutes; Weekly Miles - 12

OK readers. I'm going to warn you, Today is grim reading. Not a great head space. One of my old really negative head days. Really washing machine head. Like my Brain has turned into a shit factory. One half producing it, the other buying it. Dark.

Started off badly. Alarm didn't go off at 5.15am and i missed my 6am training session with my one and only client (no point in dressing it up to make me look like trainer to The Stars). I woke up at 7.36am to a text basically saying. Not acceptable. Not working out. Finished. Nice. 1st 6am i have missed in 8 months, but fair enough she's the client and it was my fault. Plus if I'm being honest i did not push her enough or provide enough dynamic training programmes. In hindsight i should have made it work better, so that sent me into a self hatred tailspin and it was only 7.45AM. Oh christ it's going to be a long day. Good job I'm not too hard on myself.

Then i got out in Richmond Park and churned out 6 mile run. I am still infected with Candida. so the energy is low but i got round OK, i am a little concerned about not being in tip top shape for the little run on the 22nd. Time will tell.

To make me feel better i went to my Bank for a meeting with my rather too friendly and chirpy Business Manager. I had yet to meet him and his manner to me was slightly over familiar i thought. I am pleased he has just had a 7 month year old daughter and supports Liverpool and thinks they should play 4-3-3 formation, but if I'm being brutally honest i don't give a fuck. Just extend my Overdraft and reduce my rather too large loan repayments. Upshot of the meeting was not enough coming in and too much going out. Did i need a Business Manager to tell me that?

Obviously this then induced tremendous financial fear in me and doubled with my low self esteem and negative washing machine brain, sent my Head into overdrive. All three were having a party up there. Like some kind of Negative Rave. Felt like i had an annoying bee buzzing in my brain. A bee that had shit stained wings too. Grim

My head was telling me encouraging statements like, 'you're useless', 'you should be sorted now at 40', 'you're going nowhere'. 'you've missed the boat'. It was like observing an Alf Garnett Convention. 'And i tell you another thing that's wrong'. Jesus, spare me this shit.

I headed to Richmond, obviously putting off the endless raft of things i could do to try and speculate some kind of extra living and income. (i did phone 2 potential personal training clients but predictably they didn't answer or call me back) in order to drink tea and feel overwhelmed.

Then i had a bizarre experience in Waitrose. Just after getting a call from a delighted 73 year old about her HD TV i got for her on Good Friday, i passed a couple in the supermarket i recognised. It was the Bikram Yoga owners and teachers from Richmond. Now to give you a little background, i was actually barred from the studio 4 years ago for having an argument with the owner in class and telling him to stick his fucking yoga up his arse as i stormed out. I had anger issues back then.

In mitigation i believed the man to be a Nazi. Not only did he never smile, blink or come across as remotely human. He also installed lots of ridiculous rules into the studio like it was some kind of ultra serious Pro Retreat. In truth it was a studio in Richmond that i paid £14 for the pleasure of being bossed around by a Yogi on the far right of Colonel Gadaffi. I had a resentment.

'Don't drink water', 'Shoes off', 'Don't do this', 'No smiling' 'Don't enjoy' were the endless barking orders. I didn't like the whole vibe and attitude. Who's the punter here?

Anyway one Saturday afternoon 4 years ago, i was recovering from a nasty bout of Man flu, and had spent the week in an incubator in intensive care bravely battling a blocked nose and chesty cough. I was brave. I thought a relaxed chilled Saturday afternoon Bikram class would help, to sweat it out. I was obviously as weak as Stephen Hawkins handshake, so i would take it easy.

Needless to say Johnny the owner and teacher constantly picked on me. And after a 4th time of him telling me to do a posture a certain way, i asked him to ignore me, leave me be and get on with the class. I wasn't rude i just wanted to chill, hide away and sweat, No biggy.

Anyway, he wouldn't leave me be, so i thought fuck him, i dug in and refused to do them on purpose, he had pissed me off. This annoyed him even more and he finally said 'if you're not going to do it properly then there is no point in doing it at all'.

This was like a red rag to a bull and i snapped. I can't remember exactly the exchange, bit it was something along the lines of 'what's your problem. I've been ill, I'm here to chill, just leave me be and all will be kushty'.

He didn't like it and came back at me with more controlling phrases (power mad ego maniac underneath anyone?), then i really lost my temper and pointed out i 'hadn't paid £15 to be talked too like a child and i had brought several people as customers and that i was the client and he was out of order. More exchanges, which i finally brought to a close when he asked me to leave the studio and i replied with that well worn yogic phrase. 'You can stick you're fucking yoga up your fucking arse you cunt'.

People had been holding the tree pose for a few minutes during this Bikram showdown. I wasn't invited back.

So that was 4 years ago, when i have seen him in Richmond we have largely ignored each other, until today. He and his horrific girlfriend (an even bigger ego maniac with an annoying American whiny voice, suitably massive ego and nose to match - meow) walked past me at the Meat counter,  isaid 'Hi Johnny' and smiled, to which he looked down and totally blanked me. It was a little bit like the Luis Suarez not shaking Patrice Eva's hand, except this was by the Meat Counter in a supermarket. Instead of being annoyed, i just laughed, to which his horrific bitch of a bird, spun round and said 'What. What's your problem'. Not sure if i was on Acid or totally insane. but hadn't i just been friendly and was the one who had been blanked? apparently i was the problem. I just laughed, shrugged and walked on. I needed Turkey Ham after all.

I then queued up at the express aisle (looked to be anything but judging by the fact they only had 2 teenagers on the tills) , when i looked up a few minutes later, there she was, minus her warlord boyfriend behind me. I'm not exactly sure who started talking 1st, bit it wasn't a particularly friendly exchange. It was along the lines that she blamed me for being an arsehole and swearing at her boyfriend 4 years ago, when i pointed out she wasn't there and it was not actually any of her business, she got upset and started telling me i was an arsehole. She then accused me of saying 'hi' sarcastically, and why would i expect her boyfriend to say 'hi' back. I pointed out it was 4 years ago and hardly the sort of Feud of Israel and Palestine proportions. I said i had never been aware that saying 'hi' was such a terrible thing to do. I suggested she relaxed and moved on (OK i was enjoying winding her up), at this point she said 'You're such a cunt' and stormed off to the other side of the store where the queues were massive. It had truly turned full circle. Instead of me storming off, it was someone else. Progress!!!!

Clearly Bikram Yoga is working for her in a sort of rude, arrogant, angry egotistical resentment filled kind of way. I better watch who i say 'Hi' to in future, Is there anyway you can say 'hi' in a threatening way? A sort of ironic sarcastic 'hi', with eyebrow raised. I can't raise an eyebrow so I'm not sure how it can be sarcastic. Maybe i should have played the blanking game. Nice to know that the resentment still burns brightly though after 4 years. I'll stick with my Higher Power i think, At least i don't go calling people a cunt now and storming off. Well not today anyhow.

So that really brightened my day up. I was puzzled after. Obviously i thought 'what the fuck is going on today' . Is this all me? So i hit the gym, did a session, that didn't help, still felt bad and thought I'm going to need a double bubble meeting to sort this dodgy head out. It was either that or Brandy and i know which is better for me.

So off to the meeting i toddled, locked in self, feeling down, not wanting to talk to anyone. You know, sociable. First person i met was a lovely woman who is ultra positive, friendly, open and lovely. The opposite to the monstrosity of a person i had encountered in Waitrose. She told me she reads this blog (i was surprised) and commented how much she liked my entry on Good Friday and Saturday about my Father and the words i wrote about the funeral and how it was about forgiveness, love and he had become more human in death if that makes any sense. She had experienced similar pain with the death of her father a while ago, and was only starting to open up about it and talk about after years of pain.

And then it struck me. That is the reason for this blog. That is the reason for this writing. I cannot heal. I am not a guru, a life coach, a counsellor, a professional. I am not a leader or some kind of self confessed self help teacher (though i do fancy myself as some kind of guru of course) - i write how i think. My experience, and sometimes it helps others to think ' i feel that', or 'i'm not alone', or 'thats what happened to me', or just helps to open up and feel things they may have buried for years.

In short, it helps me and if it enables people to feel things, even if it is just for one moment than thats a result. The fact we were able to talk about our father's even for just 5 minutes because of the topic of my blog was good enough for me, and whilst it didn't raise me out of my self piteous fearful mood, it helped me feel alot better. Thanks madame. You know who you are!

The feelings of i am not where i want to be, what do i do with my life? what creative route should i follow? what can i do for a living i really enjoy? Too much for this little head today that's for sure.

I'll just settle for the memory of that conversation in the meeting over the one in Waitrose as confirmation we are all looking for at the end of the day.which is 'you're doing OK Nick. Chill'.

I think i shall go to bed on a famous phrase, no not the 'you can shove your yoga one. Instead it's one which i pretty much forgot all day long. That phrase? It's 'Don't take yourself so goddamn seriously'.

If only i could remember that in my misery. Still at least I'm not that devil Bikram woman. God bless you, you need it

xx