Is That it Then?
No mileage today, no desire for mileage today. In fact, if I'm honest no desire for anything today. Other than a day in bed watching Flog It. Woken with bad head. Candida is strong, maybe because of all the terrific amounts of food i stuffed down my neck over past week, plus I'm back on the diet coke and sugar train. Not good. Physically or mentally.
I awoke to a monsoon both outside and in my head. Luckily i didn't have a packed commute on a train into central London or a full day in the office to worry about. Nuts!!
It was gloomy. I prayed, i wrote a gratitude list to show how much i have in my life, i tried to think and say positive actions. i prepared myself as best i could. I was ready. It is possible to change your thinking, to not buy into your natural negativity, to become more optimistic, positive, hopeful. Yes. I can do this. Own the day Nicholas Evans. Bring it on.
Then, i stepped out the door, got soaked by a passing car splashing a puddle on me and immediately thought, 'Fuck it'. 'I fucking hate today, my life, my job, this train station, London, Britain, the whole fucking world.' Fuck this' Good job i did those positive affirmations otherwise i would have been in real trouble.
I got into work and I'm going to share something with you that hurts. That goes against every fibre in my body. That makes me gutted. That shames me into embarrassment........Work helped me. It helped me. Oh god. Work is good. Work is good for me.
There I've said it. Work helped me. I got on with stuff, busied myself, got stuff done. Forgot about me. About my head. About my negativity. Getting on with things helped me drag out of the gloom. It's good to work. It's good for the soul, no matter what you do. If you need to do things and do them it makes you feel good.
That's what happened today.
Yes i looked around at everyone on the commute, not communicating, not smiling, not alive. Packed in tight, shuffling along like the living dead. Eyes glazed, expressionless, reading Kindles, Ipads, Blackberrys, the occasional newspaper and book. Bored. Fucked off. Hating it. Resigned to a fate. On autopilot. Travel, work, travel, home, travel, work , travel, home, weekend, rest, Sunday, travel, work, travel, home etc etc forever and ever until you retire. And i thought to myself, shall i kill myself now?
But why am i so different to all the others? Do they really think that? It is all about attitude and when i got out of my own way today. Got away from my head, then things were OK. I am paid to do a job and today i did it. Shock fucking horror!!! Bad news, i am not that special and different. I don't operate on different rules from the rest of the human race. I don't have to be the same but i still have to get on with it.
So, today, not only am i grateful to have a job but it helped my attitude and head, and i got paid for it. Result!
The attitude was adjusted today, not by running 20 miles, or a spiritual awakening, but by getting on with stuff. Sometimes that's as spiritual as a 6 month yoga retreat in Goa.
Having said that, i don't ever think I'll turn into a workaholic. How else can you fit in gym, yoga, cinema, AA, friends, buggering around online,Cash In the Attic, any other host of self centred pleasure seeking fun and a 10 hour shift. Fuck me, don't even go there about kids, families and responsibilities. Clearly i have a lot of growing up to do!
Having said that i do actually have a day off tomorrow. See above for my itinerary
xx
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