Mileage 0 - weekly mileage 0
Training? Nah? Running? Nah? Cross Training? Bugger off? Taper? Don't mind if i do thank you.
Good news, woke up feeling sprightly. Candida gone (for today) - felt better and sharper. Lets hope it keeps up throughout the week.
Churned out work in the day, and was amused to observe my ridiculous childish ego. It was In a meeting with 2 people. 1 of which talked over me and the other one i felt wasn't interested in what i had to say. Result? Me getting pissed off and sulking inside, whilst mind churning round "fuck this job, I'm not respected, i need something else, i should be heard more, fuck them, fuck this, fuck me, fuck you, fuck it." And that was me on a good day!!!
I obviously didn't let on. Showed little, though i am terrible at hiding my emotions but i tried really hard to suppress it. I observed my insane head and recognised my utter childishness. I wasn't really sure if it was me or the truth. That's the trouble with alcoholism, you never really know if it's my alkie, touchy, low self esteem and high ego prideful and intolerant head talking or if people really are balloon heads. Who knows? And lets be honest, who really cares. People don't do as i please all the time. Shock horror.
I shouldn't get het up really, in the scheme of things it doesn't matter. Thing is i really think the logo should go on the right of the compliment slip. Don't you see? It's fucking crucial. Never in the history of the world has enough notice been taken of stationary. I am a world renowned expert. Trouble is no-one knows it yet. I think i shall tour schools and community groups relentlessly on the importance of logos on compliments slips.
I am actually embarrassed i got pissed off my opinion wasn't sought on such crucial areas. In the past i swear to god i would have gone out and drunk like a crazy man for 2 days over that. Building it into a slight against my soul, my character. 'See everyone thinks I'm shit, fuck em'. And proceed to make every ones lives a misery for a week. Still that's alcoholism folks. And the difference with 11 years of sobriety is not so much my initial thinking and reactions (i still act like a lunatic child in my head) but in my reactions and what i do with it. As they say it's not the big things that catch out, it's the little pointless things that most normal folks wouldn't think twice about.
For me, it opened the flood gates. "I'm better than this. Is this what it's come too. Best go to a meeting. Not in Chelsea though, as every time i bump into someone i know they're off to shoot a fucking movie in LA. And how are you Nick? "Me? Oh I'm upset about some stationary and i wasn't consulted about website changes". #Embarrassing. It would just make me feel worse. So my default setting is to stew, to brood, to jump straight from comparing my insides to people;s outsides and either coming up worse (less than) or going straight to egotistical anger (more than) - 'I'll show them, I'll be a massive sober success" Fuck em. How come they get 2 lead parts. I'm better than them. OK they've been to drama school and worked hard for 10 years. I've never had an acting class in my life. But where's my fucking part? Good job i don't suffer from jealousy, sloth or Divine entitlement.
I think i should head to a Bikram Yoga class to calm down. Oh i can't, that's right. I'm barred. Nuts.
So i went to a meeting, nipped it in the bud. Grassed myself up, walked in feeling like Wolves and came out feeling like Barcelona. I love it. It helps me get sense of perspective, laugh at my insanity and return me to being a 'normal' human being. Phew. Not bad for £2.
Ate clean, drank me fresh vegetable juice. Watched a little tellie and hit the sack at customary early time of 1.45am. It's marathon week, so i guess i should get an early night and lots of sleep. Not as if i have to be up at 7am tomorrow. 5 hours should be plenty Nick. MMMM, Will:I:Ever:Learn?
xx
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