Evening troops. How was your weekend? Has anyone else got that Sunday feeling? It's A summer's weekend, it's light, it's mild, it's 10pm yet feels like 5. Glastonbury's on the box, Kasabian are headlining and it's Monday morning soon. You want to keep hold of the weekend feeling a little longer yet the creeping dread of Monday gnaws away at you. That Sunday feeling is so unsettling sometimes.
I'm refreshed after my wobble yesterday. I literally had 4 messages of support to keep this blog going. Not quite the 10,000 my ego wanted but i'll take 4 non the less. I wasn't looking for support/attention by the way, I seriously doubted what this was all about and if it was worth doing.
I got a serious case of the doubts. Too public. Too much information. Too little 'under the bonnet' stuff about my journey within, and too much concentrating on outside issues. People, places and things.
This blog and sharing in meetings is the only time I can really share my own truth. There are no restrictions or barriers. Trouble is with the blog is that it is public. There is danger in exposing oneself (ooer missus) publicly only to regret it later I suppose.
But you know what, fuck it. You only life once and if there's nothing else I can hold my hat on then at least being true to oneself is something I can feel good about (I've written about that before I'm sure). I feel credible as a person and writer then.
One thing someone said yesterday, is that I say things people are thinking but would never dream to say. I like that. It's been said before. It's a risk, it's a danger but someone's got to say it right?
That's good because I don't feel alone then. Sometimes in meetings or conversation I feel like I'm the only one struggling with patience, tolerance, ego, head, pride. It's almost as if people do a giant swerve like there's something wrong with me. Either they think I'm sick and still in it or they feel threatened. It happened tonight at a meeting.
I shared about the past 10 days being a tolerance test, how I have fought every day to keep a lid on my anger and intolerance, how my alcoholism is on me at all times to try and get me to blow up. How keeping your temper when faced with total incompetence, denial, pride or fuckwadism is tough. I have been low on meetings, my replacement for booze, so the pressure has been building every day. It helps to share open and honestly. Relieves the pressure valve.
I have to look at my role too. If I fall out with everyone. If every person, place or situation is unacceptable then I have to see the common denominator in all of it. Me. So I can only change myself not the world right?
I had a problem with this before, because I thought if you just accept everything then nothing would have happened in the world. What about the protest marches In the 60's? Gay rights, female equality, anti-war? What about the Arab uprising in the middle east?
Sometimes challenging the natural order is a good thing. It is action. It is standing up for what you believe in. It is fighting a cause. It is passion, emotion and freedom.
My problem is knowing when it is right to challenge and when I am being self centred and intolerant and want things all my own way.
I of course have never channelled my feelings into any worthy cause. Instead it is into people who put 8 items in the 5 items or less aisle in Sainsbury's. It is usually against small minded insignificant things that have no baring on the world other than this little freedom fighter's crusade for right things. The world according to the Great Nick is a small place sometimes.
Sometimes I want the world and people to be exactly the way I want them to be. Say the things I want. Act the way I want and do things the way I want them. Of course then I'm on collision course with them because this simply will not happen.
There are a lot of balloon heads out there. There are sick people, annoying people and people in rock solid denial there is anything wrong with them. They infuriate me. But what can I do about them? Shout at all of them to see the error of their ways and force them to get help? Argue, criticise? Point out their faults? I'll be forever getting into barny's if that's the case. Is it my job to heal the world? And who am I to know they need healing in the first place? And how is my life running before I try and point out other people's failings?
Lord knows I have done it on many occasions. Usually with ex-girlfriends. It doesn't make for a pleasant relationship. It is one of my main defects. The inability to accept people for what they are and to be tolerant.
I find that so hard. Time and again I have let myself down by blowing up and tearing people apart. I may make great progress over a period of weeks only to wreck it with a short burst of barbed anger and belligerence. The pressure builds up until I snap.
So why does this happen? Have I been born that way? Should I just shrug my shoulders and accept it's part of me? Is it acceptable? Am I right in what I am saying? Have I the right to say anything? Why does it continue?
Well, I think there are many things operating for people who have anger and tolerance issues. Firstly lets deal with relationships. If you're unhappy it's usually because of something inside not in the person you are with.
For instance in my own relationships. I can make long lists of things I find wrong with them. So what do I do about them?. Do I batter them over the head and continually point out the changes they need to make. Is that the best way? Do I really think they're going to say, "Thank you so much for pointing out all my dysfunctions, you're such a hero I will immediately go away and sort them all out. You're so insightful. Thank you." So why do I keep going back to the well only to be poisoned? That's just giving my power way. Concentrating it in the wrong areas instead of making myself better.
Should I instead wait patiently for them to figure them out? Do I offer patience, love and support like a partner in a loving relationship should do? Well, in theory yes. In reality - how long will that take?
I was accused of being childish and selfish yesterday for ending what was seemingly a great relationship with a girl people thought was so right for me. Well, maybe on the surface. But what about under the bonnet? How many of us really understand what happens in people's relationships and lives? Do you know what happens in your closest friends? Do you know the full extent of people's lives.
I think I was hurt by the criticism. Why? Well pride for one. I want to be seen to be a top bloke and people to like me. My image is too important to me. I am after all a chronic people pleaser. Despite going to great lengths to cover it up because people pleasing is simply 'not cool' is it?Plus I want to be seen to be right. I want people to understand why the situation is what it is. I feel I have done the right thing for so long and now I'm seen as the bad guy. It makes me angry.
I know a friend of mine felt exactly the same. His missus cheated on him, yet nobody in their industry knew and he felt so angry she seemingly got off with it and he was seen as the bad one for ending things. His male pride and anger was extraordinary. Yesterday I understood and felt the same.
In reality who cares what people think. What matters is what you do deep down. Only we know what's right for us. The problem is not having the courage to face up to it. That's where my anger comes out because I have entered, stayed in bad relationships or endured pain because of my own fears, insecurities or needs. Ultimately my responsibility but boy have I not wanted to face it.
Therefore the anger at the world. The intolerance and belligerent impatience is really against myself for not being true to myself or for living in fear.
I naturally find it easier to rage against someone or something than look within and confront the really messy inner workings of oneself. It's a comfortable place to be for me and sometimes very hard to eradicate or alter old patterns of behaviour.
It's like viewing how you would like to be through a window. The trick is getting rid of the window and living it. That's the key I think to all this. The knowing is great it's the stopping onself from doing it that kills me.
It wouldn't change the pain of living though. PC World will still be shit, people will still piss you off. Life will continue to happen on life terms but by jove it would be a lot easier.
That's the journey right there. Maybe all those people sharing in meetings that they used to be a certain way but don't have those feelings now have crossed through the window. Maybe it's just me behind the pain.
Having said that the parting shot a bloke at the meeting tonight said to me as I left made me feel better, he said, "Nice to hear you tonight. You're not alone"
He had no idea how good that was to hear.
Loud exhale of breath, this blog tonight was like a share for me. I prefer to get this shit out of my head than keep it in. If it offended anyone I'm sorry, if you identified then that's great. Whatever it is don't take it too seriously because you can bet come 6am tomorrow morning I would have forgotten about this and moved on to something new to get worried/fearful/angry/intolerant/egotistical about. Standard day in the mind of an alcoholic. Best to concentrate on me and my journey I think. Thanks for the person who messaged me that last night, good advice. You know who you are.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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