Today I observed my ego (Or Donald as I sometimes call it) in full bloom. It's like watching a slightly mad relative go at life in full throttle. You almost have to watch it through your fingers, so cringe worthy it is sometimes. The difference being it is acting as me, sounds like me and is me, it's a nightmare.
It's rearing it's head in my professional life as I encounter more and more justified resentment and my rights move in. I expect this, I expect that, nobody is moving at my pace etc etc. When left unchecked it ends up racing ahead thinking it runs the gaff. It knows no boundaries.
It can start to criticise. People, procedures, processes. Then it can say none of them apply to me and that's where trouble begins. The ego will stop at nothing to dominate, control, criticise and compare. If it's fed (you know when you gossip or get people on your side) it just becomes ugly. I have to watch this. Keep a good attitude, pray and get out of it's way and let the other side of me move in.
This is a hard task. The same can happen in my relationship. My GF is staying with me and going through a hard time. On a bad day my ego can think, "For fucks sake what about me and my freedom and space." On another day, usually after a meeting and prayer I will think of her needs and difficult situation and want to support and help.
The trouble with being an ego maniac alcoholic is that it's hard to achieve consistency of behaviour. When I am in self centred, self seeking thinking then I am nearly always on a collision course with life. Defective relationships are at the heart of my alcoholism, and not just romantic ones.
It's like cycling with flat tyres. You can move, just not very well and it's bumpy. A Higher power to me is when I am not in self. The tyres pump up and the journey is much smoother.
It's not a great blog tonight. I'm a little disillusioned with my writing at the moment. It's not every day and it's not hitting the spot. I am distracted, my head and life is in another area at the moment and I'm frustrated.
I'm hoping to get the inspiration, drive and energy back to write soon. It's what fills up my soul really and I miss it when I'm not present with it.
On the plus side I managed not to shout at a guy speaking loudly on the train on the way home from work tonight. He got on and was speaking so loudly to his mate about going to the Aquatic Centre on Sunday to jump off the high diving board.
You could hear him down the end of the carriageway. Thank god for a shit signal on the line as it cut his call giving us all some respite. Having said that, it didn't stop him shouting "Hello" 12 times at the dead line in the forlorn hope he hadn't rendered his caller deaf.
For fucks sake, whats up with people. Was he like the Rainman of sound. I understand have special awareness problems and cant judge distances, did that cunt have volume awareness. Did he really not think he was speaking too loudly?
I wouldn't have minded if he would have been interesting or an important call, "What, someones breaking in Mum. OK I'm on my way". Fair enough. We'll let you get away with that loud boy.
But going diving. OK, I was at The Aquatic centre on Sunday. It's a magnificent building and a fine piece of British engineering. But he wasn't talking about that. He wasn't talking about how the seats are shaped like the roof. he wasn't talking about they had to take 14,000 seats out after the Olympics, he didn't say any of that.
he said, "I'll meet you at 11 Dave. Safe mate. Safe."
Fucking moronic loud cunt. All of us on the train had done a hard days work, earning money by doing something we weren't born to do, just to be able to afford a train ticket to travel in. We had been with people all day, being bombarded with noise. We were on the commute now. Going home. Evening Standard and cup of tea. Relax.
But no we couldn't. Instead toss face gets on and was so keen for other people to hear he has a busy social life he had to make banal conversation so loud, it almost woke up the Dead.
Fucking knob head. Doesn't he know we have unspoken rules whilst commuting. You must not laugh, raise a smile, indulge in conversation with others or even move to the inside if a seat comes up. You must be miserable and scan the Standard pretending to read it whilst secretly staring inappropriately at others
He was proper loud. One can only hope the Aquatic centre are ready for him and Dave.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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