Yesterday I was asked to do the countdown at the Chelsea AA Convention.
Now I'm usually a bit wary of conventions. It taps into my in built scepticism of being 'too AA'. I like to sit on the outside of the fellowship sometimes and not get too involved. Conventions are full on black belt AA. Speakers all day, hundreds of people.
Don't get me wrong I love AA. It gives me recovery and enables me to live a full sober life in a way I couldn't do on my own. Critics would no doubt seize that statement by saying you have merely replaced one addiction for another and being too dependant on a fellowship and programme is unhealthy and weak.
My reply to the critics is simple. Fuck off. I'd be drinking without it so whatever gets you by. Plus it's statistically proven to be the most effective antidote to alcoholism and addiction, so why wouldn't it be celebrated and promoted? Perhaps the critics are putting it down to mask a fear or problem they have themselves. After all if you spot it you've got it right?
My respect and admiration for the disease and fellowship as recovery from it is not in doubt. When I'm asked to do service I do it. If something gives you a chance to live life and be reasonably 'normal' from a seemingly hopeless condition, it's not much to do a bit of service and give back right?
So why do I still have a deep down hatred and scepticism of conventions and parts of AA? Is it because I'm reluctant to commit myself fully? Is it Ego? Is it my disease? Or is it just not my thing and I take from AA the parts I like and need?
I never wanted it to define my life. I never wanted it to BE my life. I saw people years sober who I thought used it to BE something in AA so that it gave them a status and ego that would have meant they were a nobody in real life. Does that make sense?
I was always struck by a quote I heard in my early days from an American Speaker tape, who said;
"Your job is not to be big IN AA. Your job is to be big OUT there (in the world)"
Something I'm still working on if I'm honest. I didn't want to use the programme, recovery and other people's information to use as my own in writing or any other creative or public work. Yes it's a familiar theme in my writing but I would hope I balance it in a way that makes it accessible to no non recovery people.
I had been to a few conventions but usually in a service capacity. Makes me feel better about being there if I'm honest. I know there are people like me who are reluctant AA's. They to find it difficult giving themselves over to the programme. I am amazed I've strung together 12 years sometimes!! But I know deep down I need it and love it so I keep coming back.
And thus to the countdown and this is where my big BUT to cynicism is coming up.
A countdown is the meeting at the end when I (the designated MC) asks who is the newest sober person In the room to stand up and come to the front to huge cheers and applause. Two people who were 24 hours sober got up and the crowd of 800 people raised the roof. Then we continue for 1 week sober, 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months until we ask if anyone has got a year sober to come up and form the circle around the room.
Everyone who stands up is encouraged by the MC (me) to hoop, holler, cheer and make noise. This continues until we go up in multiple of years and everyone from 1 year to 50 years is asked to get out of their seat and join the circle.
The energy and adrenaline in the room was incredible. If you've seen Wolf of Wall Street where he gets everyone rocking whilst he's high on coke with a microphone, well this was like a sober version of that. 800 screaming and cheering lunatics celebrating their sober lives with a lunatic 80's look-a-like in tight jeans and cowboy boots leading the charge with a microphone and adrenaline in the middle of the room.
We went through the early mad years of 2-5 years, then got to the 6-10 years where you just start to get into other addictions, then to the 11-15 years of deep held pain and misery, then the 16-20 when you start to begin the journey to the HP and then finally 20 years and over which is proper old timer status. They were all there. It was amazing how young the old timers looked. Clealry the no drinking life is a good one.
We were All connected in unity. From 24 hours until we invited the last guy up who was 52 years sober. Amazing. Like Chairman Mau of London AA. He presented a Big Book to the two who were 24 hours sober, who must have been thinking, "what the fuck is going on here" and we closed the convention on a huge high.
I swear to God, the way everyone was feeling we could have marched down the Kings Road and changed the world. Such was the upbeat attitude in the room. The buzz. The energy. Even the most miserable cynical egotistical bastard would have been clapping smiling and laughing. It was spectacular.
Of course it was great because I was at the centre of it. Naturally my ego was chuffed. But it took solace in the fact I was asked to do it and my natural MC skills were perfect for that role. We are all good at different things and all kinds of service is valid and no better or worse than others. All is equal.
It's just great I get to use my skill set in compering and MC'ing in a recovery setting. I'm comfortable with that and really pleased to accept who I am.
In truth a convention is just like any other. Music, TV, film, interests. You get the people on the edge, people with a passing interest, people who are involved in running it, then the real enthusiasts who turn up with badges all over themselves and are slightly odd.
AA and AA conventions follow the same human patterns as human life. It is no different so there is no need for me to be cynical or reluctant. That's just my ego separating me. I turned up expecting the countdown to be shit but as it turned out it was incredible.
The bloke who was 24 hours sober was buzzing. Whooping and hollering punching the air, My only hope was that he didn't leave on such a high that he'd have to go and get pissed up to celebrate. I wouldn't blame him if he did.
I also chatted to another guy, my little new sponsee who is 13 days sober. He was buzzing too, however having said that by his own admission he didn't know if that was down to the convention or his new anti-psychotic drugs. Classic!
I love AA.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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