I spoke to a mate of mine from the firm yesterday (AA). He's a bloke I have a lot of time for. I respect his recovery. Identify with his struggles and he laughs at his madness as I do at mine (mostly) He's a keen student of alcoholism and recovery, has survived 3 bouts of cancer and has the devil about him. I like him. He's my kind of bloke. A right slippery bastard with a heart of gold.
We were talking about the chronic self will and ego and how it smashes us to pieces and yet still we hold on. We were laughing about it.
He told me about his 3rd bout of cancer. It got to stage 4. Everyone including himself had written him off. He's a big man and was down to just over 12 stone, he was gaunt, bald from all the chemo and had the 'death' look. He still came and did a banging chair for me though and I marvelled at the way he handled his seemingly terminal condition. How can people do that? I'd be off to Disney Land in a shot and using it to promote untold amount of self pity and attention seeking on the world.
Well, he wasn't a goner. He fought back (if indeed that's what happens when people recover from cancer) and slowly it went into remission.
That's when he said the real fun started. When he was ill and staring death in the face, he said he had a peace like never before. He had a rock solid faith and relationship with God that made him at total peace. It was easy he said. Then when he got better, it wasn't quite so easy.
His words were;
"It happened almost overnight. I woke up one morning and I was back". Meaning his old self will. The ego. Out of the window went God and he set about making up for lost time. Food, women, sex, the lot. It wasn't long before he was back on his knees racked in emotional pain.
We shared a similar feeling. I've never been through cancer, but I remember on my first healing session I felt a peace and connection with a higher power I have rarely felt (Or God if you like to call it that) and it felt great. Then within 48 hours I woke up and 'I was back'. The head, the emotions, the fear, the need, the thirst for bad shit in my life was back. I was back to self will. Back to Ego.
What is that we asked? Is it self, is it ego, is it alcoholism, is it the human condition, are we just not ready? We didn't have the answers despite being a couple of know it alls.
He shared with me that he was listening to an old timer from America on a speaker tape who was talking about self will. He described it as roaming through life, looking up at the sky and saying, "Look God no hands!!"
I love that. Sums me up perfectly. Thinking I'm doing it all solo and getting away with it whilst he's looking upon me, laughing, shaking his head thinking 'If only you knew son' You massive bell-end."
It's a journey of discovery. Spiritual experience of the educational variety. I'm comfortable with that today. I have a seeming addiction to belle-endery, But that's OK. It all makes for good material when I'm a guru in a few years.
After my second healing on Tuesday I feel good deep down. I have small finger grip on the higher power after Tuesday. I hope to keep trying until I can grasp it fully but I'm sure I'll keep slipping back to no hands at some points. The key point is not to get too serious about it. After all, life is supposed to be enjoyed not endured, right?
Look God, No Hands! Love that. T-shirt slogan anyone?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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