There are many tests you face in sobriety.
Bereavements, relationship break ups, job losses, temporary homelessness, financial worries, humiliations, embarrassments and countless bouts of white hot anger.
There are many frustrations. The sort where the temptation to go, 'fuck it' is so strong. You get so close to the edge the only thing that will satisfy is the decision to say 'FUCK IT' and tear the arse out of everything you have worked for. In that moment you couldn't give a toss.
All of these can be negotiated sober. They may smart a little but you do not have to pick up a drink. You can face anything sober.
Well, almost anything. Anything other than PC World. No amount of meetings, faith, God, sponsee's, prayer, meditation or steps can prepare your sobriety for those bunch of moronic twats. It is the ultimate Sobriety tester. I think even the Dalia Lama may struggle to hold it together.
PC World is one of the most aptly named companies around. It's not Personal Computer World, more like Professional C***t World. It's an electrical playground of half witted knob-heads masquerading as 'Retail Professionals', who's sole job it seems is to wind up members of the public in a pair of slip on's and badly cut half mo-hawked hair.
Do they round up people deemed beyond a lost cause in Care in the Community and house them in PC World?
"Go on son, there's your uniform of ill fitting black slacks halfway round the arse, slightly too tight shirt that barely covers the hairy chest. Get yourself a trendy haircut that was trendy 6 years ago and make sure you ignore people, talk over them when they are trying to spend money then proceed to bullshit them about when you're item that will invariably go wrong be ready".
"Once you have mastered these skills, got tested to have an IQ in single figures, you are now ready to serve the public. Do you worst and fuck them up!"
I'm sure that's in their company manual. It must be. I spent 2 hours of my life in one today. 2 hours. I could have done absolutely anything else that would have been more productive and fun. Like kill myself. Fuck me, I've been in mental hospitals and felt more uplifted.
I know, it was my fault, I should have gone down another avenue to get a laptop, but it's by my house, it's easy, I could get it on finance until I win the Euro Lottery, so I figured I would just nip in, get a cheap laptop and crack on. Wrong. It would have been easier trying to uncover Fifa's accounts than buy a laptop and get Microsoft Office Installed. Fuck me I may have been asking for the code to Facebook , Google, Twitter and The White House for all the time it took.
Once I had completed the initial painful 80 minutes of organising payment and finding an 'in stock' machine. I was told it would take 2 hours to install the software that had been over complicatedly explained to me, to see if I wanted to spend an extra £50 or £7.95 per month. "No fuck off. I just want you to make it work and take my money for fucks sake. It's like the WH Smith of technology,. Flogging cyber Galaxy bars at the till for a quid.
So, off I toddled to my AA meeting, (which was totally insane and made me even more twitchy) and returned back to PC World 2 hours later to pick up my new machine.
"Not ready mate"
"OK, when will it be ready then?"
"Don't know" he said, distractedly talking to his mate over the other side of the store
At this point the 90 mins of lunacy in the meeting, all day rage pent up and the safe knowledge I had just spunked £500 on this machine with these morons raced through my mind. I wasn't happy.
"Look, I've just done £500 and this is shit customer service. 1 - address me when you are talking not your dippy mate. 2 - Do not address me as 'mate' and 3 - fuck off over to your manager and find out when it will be ready as you shut in 10 minutes and I need this stupid thing by the morning for my job. Which I already told your mate about 2 hours ago."
He looked a bit taken aback, but fair play to him. Off he totted.
The manager came over;
"So sorry Sir, we've installed 1 software, but the others will take time. Can you pick it up tomorrow?"
"NO, that's why I did it today, I have to be at work tomorrow, then I'm travelling and I need it by tomorrow. Hence why I told the bloke when I bought it. I need it tonight to have tomorrow. Not sure how clearer I could have been"
"Oh"
"So what are we going to do?"
"We can offer you a £5 discount?"
At this point I toyed with the idea of chopping his head clean off his shoulders with the electric carving knives on offer, placing it in one of the washing machines, capturing it on video and displaying it on all the flat screens around the store. I decided against it.
"I want it done tonight" I decided to stand my ground. "Otherwise just cancel the sale"
"OK, I will see what we can do"
1 hour later, me, the fat controller and sales assistant were still stood there in an empty store. It was like they were uploading the entire Nassa programme onto this thing.
Finally at 9pm it was done. I thanked them, shook their hand, accepted their apologies and went home to try not to scream too loudly to relieve the pressure.
I opened up the gleaming new white laptop, switched it on and the wireless didn't work. Try as I might it remained resolutely offline. Fuck. Fuckity fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck. PC fucking cunting world. PC wank. PC wankers. PC fucking fuckity fucking fucks. Fucking fucks. Cunting wanking fuck fucks. 3 fucking hours in PC wanks. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fucking fucks.
And on it went.
So I'm writing this blog on my old borrowed work laptop. 3 hours for nothing. 3 hours of pain, torture, frustration, pain, bewilderment. Do they do it on purpose?
Is the CEO of PC World a lapsed alcoholic? Is he drinking again after a long period of sobriety? is he so bitter towards sobriety he makes his company full of awkward bullshitting knob heads flogging equipment that doesn't work just to send you to distraction in order to say. 'Fuck it' and drink?
It was a test of sobriety. No doubt about that. But no fear, I haven't and will not drink. I may even push myself to the limit and head to Ikea tomorrow night in rush hour. That's the ultimate test right there. Then it's straight past the alcohol and right into the Crack. Do not even pass go. If you can negotiate your way through PC World and Ikea in one week, it's pretty safe to say you may never drink again.
Together We Are Stronger (just, today)
Nicholas E Evans
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