I've never been very good at listening. Sorry, I tell a lie. I've never been very good at listening to other people. I listen to my head a lot, but rarely other people.
It's a classic alcoholic and Welsh trait. Finishing other people's sentences. Jumping in to say my piece, not letting them finish. "MY TURN. ME. ME. ME!"
Sometimes I've sat in meetings and it's just a collection of people talking before I get to speak. I know I'm disconnected then.
It's pure ego. Plain and simple ego. When the voices in your head get so loud sometimes you have to speak. It's the only way to get peace sometimes. Make the internal external.
Sometimes It does work. Quiets the madman in your head. But other times it backfires spectacularly. You know the moment when you've opened your mouth and you cant stop. Usually this happens in an argument.
Your brain is saying "Shut up", however your ego says, "You must express this point otherwise everyone will think you're an idiot. Keep going". It's as if you HAVE to say it to be happy.
People say would you rather be right or happy? For me it's always both. Hence my conflict sometimes.
Well I have news for me. It isn't and sometimes it doesn't. I know its all fear and low self esteem underneath. Why else would it be so important to be heard? Why is it so important to express a view, to be heard, to be right? It's as if it's masking other deficiencies.
They say you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. I certainly missed that lesson when it was being taught. I've never been shy in expressing myself or an opinion.
I love to shoot my mouth off. I have a rare gift of expressing emotions. I call it emotional articulacy. Others call it verbal diarrhea. It's both a strength and weakness in equal measures.
But what happens if your thinking isn't right? What happens if your mind is wandering towards negativity, or you read a situation incorrectly? As is the case for many an alcoholic, we create some kind of perceived injustice, only to find out we made it all up in our head. What happens if you've acted on this and expressed this emotion.
Instead of mulling it over, counselling wise opinion and then reacting. I have usually spoken first and thought second on many occasion. Result? Conflict of course!
It happens in meetings. I go into to some of them critical in my head and find myself looking for the differences. The 'should's' move in and I want to lecture them as to how they should be sharing. I was a bastard for this in my early days in AA. I only got away with it because of my sense of humour and I would mostly criticise my own stupid ego and head.
But tonight I had a bit of a breakthrough. I went to a meeting which I really didn't like. Heard people sharing what I really didn't like. Formed an opinion in my head, created a sense of injustice, criticised and condemned and was already to share my opinion with the meeting when a voice in my head said, "No. Listen. Shut up and listen."
So I did. I tried to remove my ego. I tried to listen to the similarities. I tried to no go into my egoic hate filled judgmental head which I find so easy to do and instead I sat back and let the meeting unfold.
Apparently meetings happen all over the world without The Great Nick Evans sharing in them or guiding the way. I decided to let this one do the same.
The result? My mind changed. I thawed out. I kept my mouth shut and let my mind alter. Yes it still isn't my kind of meeting and yes some of the people in the meeting I didn't feel were honest but fuck it,. that's them. Allow them to be them Nick. Live and let live. Am I God? Acceptance is the answer. I forget nearly always.
I have to say I came out of the meeting observing my behaviour and thinking and was pleased I didn't say anything. I wish I could employ that in work and professional life a little more. Sometimes my ego is desperate to get the hump. Well on this occasion it didn't win and when you have a head like mine, trust me that is a small victory.
One has to celebrate such joys. I suppose that's why they say listen to learn and learn to listen. This shit takes time.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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