6 Nations
It's Rugby weekend. The 6 Nations has started. The traditional time in the calendar for this annual event of mostly middle aged middle class guys to don their Barbour and corduroy, tuck the Daily Telegraph in their pockets and watch the Rugger over a few classes of Sauvignon Blanc. I know that's a sweeping generalisation but you get the drift. Then of course you have the young brigade who install themselves in a pub and spend the Rugger weekend as an excuse for getting totally and utterly wasted. They love rugger weekends because it gives a freedom pass for intense binge drinking. 'Well, it's the Rugby isn't it'
I live near Twickenham Rugby Stadium and international days is like a corduroy convention. Incredible. Late at night is very amusing as you see hundreds of very sensible Dad type men, clearly management accountants or responsible middle class professionals totally and utterly wankered. It's like a seen from Dawn of the Dead except in Corduroy. A Middle class zombie movie,
Me? Well I was most definitely in the 'drink as much as you can and end up watching the games with one hand over an eye to stop the double vision'. It was an excuse for complete mayhem and that was the way I liked it. That was a long time ago now.
It's like a mini world cup every year when the part time fans join the hard core and watch 30 men representing their country knocking seven bells of shit out of each other. Girls like watching it because the players are huge, Men like watching it so they can tell everyone how the game should be played. Everyone's a winner. It's a feel good tournament.
These days my viewing experience is slightly different. There is no all day session. No double vision. No zig zag walk home after a 12 hour marathon. Instead the morning is spent attending a 12 step meeting, tea with some fellowship men about our head, our insecurities, our worries. Then it's to the gym to read the papers and build up to the game. Then the game is watched by doing hill sprints on a treadmill, cross training heavy weights and cycling. Watching it on the screen and listening on the headphones.
Granted it's not a very social way of watching but it's a fuck sight more healthy than destroying 12 pints, 6 sambuka's and a bottle of red. Plus I reckon I'll remember the game tomorrow. And I won't wake up in a police cell. Bonus.
Manxiety
Great article in The Times yesterday about Manxiety. It was a Man's guide to Therapy. I think I will do an alternative version at some point. But the basic gist was a Psychotherapist writing about how more and more men are finding life hard to cope with and how therapy can be a game changer.
Men struggle to open up. It is considered strong to bury your worries/difficulties and cope with them on your own. Unlike most women, men don't see it as natural or normal to discuss their problems with friends. For many admitting they have a problem is an alien concept. It is hard for men as most are brought up (whether it be from upbringing or social conditioning) to believe that suffering in silence, never admitting to pain, sadness or insecurity is a sign of masculinity. To many 'opening up' is a sign of weakness.
The article targeted the following problem areas that most men face. (I know girls do too by the way but let's stick to Manxiety for now)
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Status Insecurity
- Job Dissatisfaction
- Fear of Commitment
- Porn
- Excessive Drinking/Drug Taking
- Problems with Intimacy
- Jealousy
- Infidelity
All areas I have(and most men, if they are honest) have struggled with at one point or another in my life.
The article also uncovered some interesting statistics;
- 30% seeking counselling are now men
- Within 10 year this will be 50/50
- 80% of people dependant on alcohol are male
- 67% of suicidal young men say they have nowhere to turn for emotional help
- 76% suicides in UK are Male
- 22% of counsellors are Male
Feeling alone in your struggles. Unable to tell the truth. Feeling guilty for feeling them. Feeling less masculine and weak. It's a lonely, dark and isolating place to be. It breaks my heart and if I'm honest is the reason I write this blog. It's what drives me. I'm like an Open up evangelist!
Counselling allows the patient to talk about the problem, therapy tries to find out why the problem exists and coaching tries to find the patient ways to move forward from the problem. All are valid.
What I am particularly interested in, is the concept of 'suffering in silence'. As if mental health, addictions, insecurities, status issues are a dirty word and sign of weakness. I think the opposite, I guess I'm almost evangelical in trying to promote them as socially acceptable. That by admitting to them is no big deal. I find it heroic. Most people have them to some or less degree. I find admitting them takes the strength out of them and solutions can come in. Ignoring, suppressing or pretending they don't exist in my opinion causes more harm.
Let me ask you. If one person reveals a vulnerability then it usually allows another to do so as well. How often have you been in a group when one person dares to be honest it usually changes the dynamic of the group and allows others to as well? Ever seen that? I do a lot. It fascinates me.
Imagine that concept on a society level? On a system level? Perhaps then the 67% figure would reduce. People wouldn't feel so alone or ashamed to have these feelings and seek help.
Of course making them acceptable is one thing, having the correct procedures, practices and treatments in place to help improve them is another. I'm working on that one at the moment. It's a long haul.
I have a number of people emailing me saying, "I really identify, I feel like that too, I'm having problems in this area, reading your blog helps etc etc'. That's music to my ears. It tells me I'm onto something.
Yes I write for enjoyment first and foremost. Yes I write for attention or creative outlet. Yes I'm stupid and inane some days. But ultimately the theme or drive behind it is in my passion to make our problems more acceptable. To try and inject a little humour in them. To make it OK to be us. Then to try and find solutions to them and change.
It's on-going. A journey. I guess I'm very fortunate to be 'in recovery' and have a 12 step fellowship where opening up is mandatory. Within 5 minutes of meeting someone, you usually know exactly how they feel, their worries, their insecurities and inner head. You don't even know their last name for fucks sake. How mad is that. But it works!
My advice is seek someone you trust or a professional and share that head. Share those worries or insecurities. Tell your truth. Do Not suffer alone. Because your probably not. We all have similar worries and are often surprised when we share them, someone else will say, ' I feel that'. Even that can often make us feel better. Do it with someone appropriate though. Otherwise it can make you feel worse if the other person just can't get it.
The only thing I would say about the article and therapy. It's not much of a laugh is it? Isn't laughter a form of therapy too? I know when I lose my sense of humour, take myself so seriously (as I was yesterday) that's not a good sign. Then life becomes something to endure, not enjoy and I've spent too much of my life in that space. Having said that it takes a while to develop that and come through the messy bog. Once you can laugh a little that's a good sign of a shoot of recovery.
The reason for Together We Are Stronger, is because I can't do it alone. If you can good luck to you. Not everyone has problems after all. Not everyone needs therapy, counselling, 12 step fellowships. But an awful lot of us do. I know I do.
In the US you're almost seen as weird if you don't have a therapist. I'm not sure I'm on board with that as then you can rely too much on professional help and avoid personal responsibility. There is part of me that likes the old school way of getting on with it.
I think a half way house solution of 'caring and sharing' followed by some good old fashioned 'get the fuck on with it' is a powerful combination.
Anyway rant over. I'm off to go and Watch Wolf of Wall Street. A 3 hour vicarious look at drink, drug, orgies, money, excess and greed should get me nicely spiritually balanced for the rest of the day.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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