Why is it so important to have a sponsor in a 12 step fellowship? Because sometimes I'm not as well as I think I am.
For all those who aren't in a 12 step fellowship you maybe wondering what is a sponsor? Well think of a mentor style situation and you won't be far off.
I was reading in The Standard last week that there are several schemes set up in Tower Hamlets and other socially disadvantaged areas of London which employ a Mentor scheme (Yes despite what you read out of towners, not everyone in London is living in a 6 bedroom townhouse, shops at Fortnum & Mason and host dinner parties thrown by Nigella every weekend)
Essentially a mentor is an older figure who has empathy for the struggler either in learning or bad behaviour. They will work with the kid, and Mentor them to help them find their way. It is not an authority figure but someone the kid can trust, look up to and work with. A mentor is usually someone who can be admired and in some cases emulated.
Studies have shown this system to be a success. More so than the traditional tutor and pupil relationship which is seen as heriarchical. When it is more equal the chance of success is higher. Hardly revolutionary and makes sense but society loves authority. Seemingly it keeps order even if it proves not to work. Sponsorship is along the same lines and works really well.
A sponsor is someone listen to, has a bit of time under their belt, you identify with, like the sound of their Gib, has been through the programme and in some cases you admire. Then it is your job as someone who knows fuck all about the disease of alcoholism your own condition/madness to ask them if they would help you. To be your sponsor. This is usually for people in their early days but we all need guidance and help no matter how long in the programme we have been.
A sponsor will get to know you and your illness. They will Pull you up when your in the madness. Help you see things that you can't. They are not there to molly coddle you, agree with you, sympathise with you. They are there to help you get sober and stay sober. They are also human. Some people make the mistake of relying too much on a sponsor or placing them on a pedestal. That is falling into dangerous territory. We are all human and need to stand on our own two feet. reliance on other people, places or things is another sign of sickness. A sponsor is just another drunk who has been through the programme, collected some experience and wisdom and is there to pass it down to you. They are not counsellors, marriage guidance, therapists, coaches or God.
So after 12 years of sobriety do you still need one? When I don't crave alcohol anymore and attend regular meetings surely I don't need a sponsor then, right? Wrong!! Alcoholism is a mental disease that never goes away. Alcoholism is in people not bottles. No matter how long you stay sober it is always there, yapping away on your shoulder.
When I start running my own life, making my own decisions. Not checking in. I'm in trouble. That's when the madness can creep in. It happens without you knowing. After all what is the point of meetings, 12 step stuff, programme etc if you can look after yourself? That in my experience is when people drink again, go mad or kill themselves. Such is the power and subtlety of the disease. It centres in the mind and can take control. That is why regular attendance and exposure to the programme is critical.
Does that make sense?
It may seem I am being over dramatic but trust me I'm not. I have seen it many times and that is why it is a much mis-understood disease that most of society and the medical profession is ignorant to. It Kills many people without most even knowing why. This Saddens me.
So why am I banging on about sponsorship? Recently I have become self sufficient and rarely been ringing mine. 'I have a new job,' 'I'm busy', 'I'm OK', 'I know what he'll say so what's the point', all goes through the head. Excuses Excuses.
Self sufficiency is a real strength sometimes and lethal at others.
Weirdly I have felt pretty chirpy recently. Thinking everything is good. I guess I never knew how much of an impact a decent and exciting new job could have on self esteem. I thought I was more complex than that. Turns out I'm not. But a new job, that takes up alot of time cannot mask what's going on underneath. it can sure help to postpone it though. I've also been sponsoring 3 men. Reasonably new. But spending time talking to them. At this point. New job. A few years in the tank, sponsoring 3 blokes you can start to think to yourself, 'I've cracked it', Oh how wrong one can be!
Without knowing it, I've been living in huge resentment and blame in a situation without even realising it and it was only phoning my sponsor last night (after 2 pork pies and scotch eggs - I was actually wiping down the crumbs from my top as I spoke to him) that it was pointed out I was pointing the finger of blame at someone and conveniently forgetting about looking at my part or any role I had in the situation,
Fucking cunt. He was supposed to agree with me!!! Turns out he was right and the best thing he could have done was hold up the mirror and in a loving way ask me what I had done. Ask me what was my part. Ask me to look at myself first before pointing the finger.
It made me think I'm not as well as I think sometimes and Sponsorship is utterly crucial for my mental and spiritual well being, to have people in my life who love me enough to challenge my mad head. It was good, I am very fortunate to have that and if I ever get round to doing what he suggested and not living in the problem I'll be first to share when I'm walking across water.
Hang tight blog heads. We're all in this together
Nicholas Evans
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