Over the past few days I have been writing lots about addiction/alcoholism/relapse and commentating on Philip Seymour Hoffman's death. I've enjoyed it and had some great feedback. However I have neglected to write about my daily journey.
After all, this blog was intended to be a daily musing of my journey to try and change certain harmful habits and behaviours.
I have been in full commentator 'guru' mode for the past few days. Offering commentary on situations, people and the disease like I have all the answers and am some kind of expert. I'm not. I realise that today. Sometimes my ego creeps up and runs away with me and I don't even know I'm doing it.
There's nothing worse than someone moralising on recovery when they are neglecting their own. So - where is my own?
I'm usually a '5 meetings a week man'. I like to hear the solution/identification to my spiritual and mental malady. It makes me feel better, lighter and like a reasonably normal human being. The 'commitee' in the head tends to quieten down and life is so much more fun.
Of course even doing all that sometimes I'm still a head-case, but in a good way. The habits and behavioural patterns are still a bit wonky but manageably so.
However in the past 10 days I've not done many meetings and I haven't been plugging in that much. Starting a new full on job has meant my focus and time has been on that. Trying to cram in a meeting here and there, do a little exercise, write the blog and spend time with my woman has meant my recovery has slipped.
Last week was a full week commuting in a new job. I did well. I enjoyed it and really put the time in. But all I did was 1 meeting.
So, this is what I'm like on 1 meeting. When I take my own will back and act on instinct.
Friday night. Leave work blow £300 on clothes for work in 20 Min's. Justify I need them for work and I deserve it because I've worked all week. Text my girlfriend some home truths about herself and justify it because I've worked all week
Leave my home meeting on Friday night early to go out and act a little crazy until 4am with my girlfriend and justify it because I've worked all week. Forget my evening meditation and justify it because I've been busy, I've worked all week.
Get up late on Saturday and do half arse exercise. Justify it because did I tell you, I've worked all week. Make a guest appearance at a meeting on Saturday night. More of a box ticking exercise as I feel obliged but not mentally connect with it and justify it because apparently I've worked all week. Then act a little crazy again until late with girlfriend, eat shit and miss my evening meditation and go to bed late but justify it because as I said before, I've worked all week.
Get up late miss my meeting on Sunday morning (and gym/yoga) to write my blog but justify it because, yes you guessed it, I've worked all week. Go out for a great Sunday lunch, have a great time, come home and eat my own body weight in cake and ice cream on Sunday night, miss my evening meditation again and guzzle lots of diet coke and smoke lots of fags. Think to myself. Fuck. I've got to work all week. Spend 1 hour not justifying what I've done all weekend.
The result? I felt like shit this morning. It reminded me of all those working Monday's I would write off with a hangover from binge drinking at the weekend. I didn't like it. It's not exactly self care is it? Not much in the way of looking after myself. Old habits clearly die hard.
It affected my mood, my thoughts, my fear levels, my enthusiasm and the committee were in residence. It was only by getting to a meeting tonight, listening to a great chair (main speaker), hearing some simple spiritual actions, opening my mouth, telling the truth and connecting with the group did I think, "oh yeah that's what I need to do." And that's 12 years in recovery!!!
So what I'm saying is we are never cured. We merely have a daily reprieve based upon maintenance of my spiritual condition. I wasn't being too spiritual at 4am I can tell you!
It's OK of course. I'm not giving myself a hard time, nor am I catastrophising something into a bigger deal than it actually is.
It is very interesting though that I can easily put down these spiritual tools and act in old ways without realising it. I wonder if I did that unchecked without any meetings or a spiritual programme how long it would take me to go proper off the rails? That's not an experiment I'm keen to do, so it was good to be reminded tonight of what I am and what I need to do on a daily basis to be 'back on track'.
As it says, 'self knowledge availed us noting'. I learnt a valuable lesson in how true that is this weekend and it's great to be able to put some perspective on it. It's also great to be human and have a blast now and again without any real damage. We are not saints after all. Even though I feel like shit today I had a truck load of fun.
I just need to get out of my own way sometimes and keep it simple. Don't drink, go to meetings, plug in, share the truth, develop a spiritual connection and try not to eat Sainsbury's out of Rocky Road Ice Cream. That shit is like Crack cocaine.....
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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