As predicted, All the papers carried the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman on the front page. The news has travelled the world.
I only know what I read in the paper and lord knows if that's accurate. Relapsed last year went to rehab, cleaned up, relapsed, split with wife, lived alone away from kids, started using drugs again and died from a heroin overdose.
Reading that made me think about my a few things a general way. I'm not saying this applies to Mr Hoffman. I have no idea if it does or not. It just made me think when I heard that order of the events about patterns of behaviour many addicts/alcoholics go through.
Addict/alcoholic uses/drinks. Long term partner cannot deal with and gives ultimatum. "Stop or leave". User begs for their anchor, their rock not to leave and promises to stop using/drinking. User goes to rehab for 'quick fix' and show his rock he means business. User deep down doesn't want to stop or think they have a disease. User comes out of rehab, 'clean' and goes back to family, still not believing they have a disease so therefore doesn't go to 12 step fellowship or seek continuing help. User stays 'sober' but white knuckle sober. User doesn't try to change or deal with the diseased thinking. User cannot live like that and has incredible cravings and urges. User starts using/drinking secretly. Partner finds out. Partner leaves. User/drinker now in total self pity and distraught. Only way to numb pain? User drinks and drugs. User continues until they have a rock bottom. This is either health gives out, go insane, have a spiritual awakening for recovery or die.
Make sense? Again I stress I am not suggesting this is what happened. Many people's situations are far more complex and complicated than that. It would be out of line to surmise something on such sketchy details and judge something from the outside.
But I have seen it and heard similar patterns of behaviour 1000's of times. There are so many things at work. The disease of course. Which loves self pity. 'Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink'. The physical nature, Cravings and 'need' for a fix. The spiritual malady of addiction/alcoholism in terms of thinking and the other more subtle things that go with it. Complete co-dependency on another to make us feel OK. When they eventually go (and they always do if with a using addict, it's just a matter of when not if) the addict usually collapses. Emotional dependency. The inability to cope with feelings without 'medicine'.
That to me is why deep change is important. If you cut corners and avoid the hard yards. Like if you know your chronically co-dependant but put off doing something about it, there will come a day when the pain will hit. God help us then. I know I put that stuff off for years. Still do sometimes. Why? because who likes pain? Who wants to use it as a challenge or character building? I'd rather run away and seek some kind of fix. This is what I'm interested in now.
Fixing never really solves the real essence of the problem of course. But now. 12 years into recovery I'm beginning to see the consequences of not changing. The disease is patient and will wait. 1, 12 or 23 years. If we let up on the spiritual change it will claim us. Of that I have no doubt.
So, reflecting on yesterday's news. I just feel incredibly sad when another person is lost. It is not their fault. The change is gut wrenching painful.
I know it's difficult for most people to feel sympathy or empathy. But when something like a break up happens most people are sad, hurt or in pain. They may drink a little or act out a little. That is perfectly normal. But for an addict/alcoholic it's like a break up on steroids. The pain is greater in the head. The loss unbearable. Normal people will just say, 'you'll get over it, stop being so pathetic," because we all make judgments based on our experience. If I can get over it without making a fuss why can't you? But Because addicts have little in the way of balance or perspective. It gets bent out of shape. It's so strong it feels real. That is the danger time. That is the point where if you haven't got enough meetings In the tank, if your spiritual life isn't durable, then it's the most natural thing In the world to pick up a drink or a drug. Sometimes to catastrophic effects.
That is all I'll say. I have probably said too much. I'm not saying I'm right. It's too simplistic and there are 1000's of other ways/problems/reactions/situations. But it just sparked off my head when I read the news today. It makes me sad and passionate when I have seen so many representations of a similar thing and not one of the press mentioned the word addiction/alcoholism. It's not for me to say if Mr Hoffman was an addict or alcoholic but you can sure as shit guarantee if he was, it will say 'drug overdose on the death certificate not 'addiction'. Sad.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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