Day 46 - SEX : THE TRUTH

Valentines Day made me think about sex. Not that I need an excuse to think about it. Most men think about it on average every 8.4 seconds. In fact in the time it's taken me to write that sentence I've had 4 thoughts about it.

I had my valentines date with my girlfriend on Saturday night and I began writing this blog at 4am on Sunday morning after a 2 and half hour mind blowing sesh. Too much information? Possibly. But I think it's important to talk about sex and the importance it plays in people's life.

Every person and couple has their own sex life and likes. Each to their own, I'm not going to expose mine or my girlfriend's. (It would take too long) But it got me thinking about how we don't like to talk about sex in Britain. For a nation who likes to think about it, view it on XXX rated sites, read books about it (50 Shades) or buy things for it (The adult market is worth £355 million a year), we really don't like to talk about it publicly.

The weird thing is, quite a lot of couples/people have an unhappy sex life which affect their relationship yet don't seek help, counselling or therapy to improve it. Most suffer in silence. Do you?

According to a Durex study of 10,000 people in the UK 38% of people/couples were satisfied in their sex life. Only 52% felt able to tell their partners what they really want. 67% had sex once a week and 12% rarely. Now I appreciate people are 'busy' and once you have kids/family all that can go out of the window. (Probably why I've never wanted kids yet, far too selfish) - 29% of women never orgasm during sex with their partner, 32% women fake it. Clearly there is an issue with sex in the UK. But people don't want to talk about it. Why?

I have experienced pretty much everything there is to experience sexually in my life, both good and bad. I have been with a partner who regulary faked orgasm for 2 years (she had an asexual condition unbeknown to me that made it impossible for her to orgasm. That was a blow to my ego and a surprise to me after she told me when the relationship ended) I have been in relationships where I felt unable to tell my partner what I wanted to do and hid it. I have been unfaithful, I have been promiscuous. I have been in one night stands, sexually adventurous. I have even at some stages of my life probably been in sex addiction. I feel well qualified to talk about this subject.

Not for egoic reasons. Nor indeed to make myself look good. It's because The Inside Job is interested in getting under the bonnet of problems and seeking ways to help. If we can be truthful then I think that's half the battle to overcoming problems. It's what drives me & this blog.

Maybe people are too embarrassed to talk about problems. After all sexual relations are laced with emotions and deep feelings. Not all of them logical. It is mostly a subject best avoided. Even as kids we run away from it. Getting embarrassed when nervous parents start to tell us about the birds and the bees. It's such a huge part of our lives, yet remains so hidden.

It has changed so much over the years. Even since I was a kid. You used to have to find your Dad's secret stash of Jazz mags, now all you need to do is click on Google for any number of filth. Internet figures state that over 68% of searches are sex related. If we are so obsessed by sex and it is so readily available, why the big public embarrassment of talking about it?

Some claim the sexification of society has caused a slip in moral values. Teen musicians scantily clad, Hip Hop promoting mysogonistic lyrics, adult swinging sites, gratuituous sexual scenes in TV shows, magazines promoting sexually stereotyped women. The porn industry, endless politicians caught with their pants down. The list is endless of filthy fuckers. But is it any really different from before? Have morals slipped so far in modern society and is it sex related? I'm not so sure.

There is no doubt the glorification of sexual stereo-typing in main stream media is damaging. The passé attitude to rape, sexual violence and casual sex on TV seeps into the mainstream consciousness. However, it's mostly so fucking lame and banal is it really worth getting upset about. When can we actually have a decent debate about sex?

Take the Romans and Victorians. Those dirty bastards liked nothing better than an Opium induced orgy. Or  Medieval times? They loved a rampant bunk up. What's really changed? Is it just the media image of it? In fact I believe our sexuality has become even more sterile and conservative. Going outside the norm on anything usually provokes cynism and hysteria. Just look on social media when people make challenging debates. They are usually shot down.

Also our attitudes remain exceptionally narrow. If A girl is promiscuous she's a slut. Whereas A bloke becomes a hero. We live in odd times. Sexual stereo-types. Other cultures are much looser about sex. Less hung up. Sex is sex and not to be hysterical about.

People bang on about protecting children. Really? What's more damaging, bringing up a child up to believe in banal sound bites, conservative moral values and sexual limitations - or live in a free and open culture where you are encouraged to express yourself but with respect for yourself and others?

When I was a kid, my eldest brother's bed was propped up by grunt mags. Escort, Razzle and Club International. My old man always had a few Jizz mags under the front seat of his Ford Granada. Readers Wives was my personal favourite. A collection of ropey old slags with hairy bushes up to their navals was a particular thrill in the 70's/. Now if you see a hairy bush it really is a collectors item. The craze now is for shaved. Making women look like plucked chicken's. Times really do change.

There was nothing more exciting as a kid to find a secret stash of filth mags in the local woods. Usually with the centre pages stuck together. Nowdays kids won't have such simple thrills. Not quite the same coming across 'shaven Asian 7' online rather than the woods.

The way women dress has changed too. Some still choose to dress up and look sexy. Others say it is their right to dress down and be what they want to be. I'm going to stay out of that debate. It's for the individual to decide.

What I increasingly notice though is young women not making an effort. They go out in Onsies and Ugg boots/tracksuit bottoms. I don't like it one bit. I personally like a woman to celebrate her femininity. I prefer it that way. Nails, hair, make up, heels. Call me old school but I like a woman to look like a woman. Perhaps it was exposure to grunt mags from an early age that shaped my view. Who knows. It doesn't mean I'm sexist or think any less of women. They are an equal to men, sometimes superior, but just because I love them dressed sexily doesn't mean to say I stereotype them.

I personally don't see the problem in women celebrating their femininity. I find it a true joy of sexual role play. Hiding it and downplaying it frustrates me. I find it sad when men tell their women not to dress sexily. Men should celebrate and encourage feminity, not reject it.

There's nothing finer in life than a woman celebrating her femininity and sexuality. It's a powerful aphrodisiac. I think that's where most men go wrong. To selfish to get what THEY want. If they concentrate on HER pleasure he gets more of what he wants. Simple really.

So why am I banging on about sex? I have certainly used it in the past to increase my low self esteem. I needed to become good at it, to make a woman say WOW in order to boost my ego. This is when sex is used in an addictive way. Pursuing it as a means to make myself feel better, even though I was doing it in an unselfish way in giving her pleasure was ultimately a selfish act. I went through countless one night stands and sexual promiscuity because I thought it boosted my male pride. I was lacking in esteem so I sought it in sexual adventure. It took me a long time to see that one. I have veered into sex addiction territory on many occassions. When you are continually usung something to make you feel better it has all the hallmarks of addiction.

I'm not here to moralise. Whatever people do is up to them. Some people or more liberal than others. Either way is neither right or wrong.

What I do know is in the past when I have used people selfishly that is wrong. Hurting people is just not cool. It doesn't make you feel good. I have felt empty and hopeless after meaningless sex. It's not what it's cracked up to be.

In periods in my singleton, whilst having fun, my male married friends with kids would all say they were living vicariously through me. They loved hearing about my sex life. Some of it was fun of course, but other times was not quite what you saw on the brochure. There is a deep sadness at the heart of a man who places sexual performance as a means of gaining self esteem. It never lasts. It is ultimately lonely and unhappy.

And now? I'm in a tight relationship. We are open and honest with each other. It is one of the first times I have been able to share what I want with a woman. It takes some courage of course. Most people dare not speak openly to their partner for fear of hurting them. I know I still feel like that a little. Some of me wants to keep a little in reserve. It's the male way. Opening yourself too much can make you vulnerable. Men hate vulnerability. Apart from when it will get them laid. Come on boys we have all acted selfishly and manipulatively at some points in our lives haven't we? Showing vulnerability to boost our chances of getting our leg over. Some more than others. That is when using selfish behaviour to get what you want is dangerous.

It's hard being open in relationships though. What happens if I want to watch porn? What about some of the more fruitier things? What happens if she will feel she's not fulfilling me. Jealousy. Envy? What happens if she gets upset? These are all the things that stop most people opening up to partners. But if you don't what then? Ultimately it will gnaw away at you. It may lead to adultery, dishonesty. Denying yourself sexually can have a knock on effect. it may even affect a relationship. Who knows.

The evidence is supported by the survey that some people have problems with sex. It's like other things, a lot suffer alone. As you know this blog is about being 'together'. About sharing the things that most think should be a secret. I am a firm believer in unlocking repression and the truth setting us free. It's good to open the debate. It's good to dare to share. To be open. To communicate and do new things.

All I ask is that if you are struggling or keeping things to yourself reach out and share. I guarantee it will help set in motion a chain of events that will have a positive influence on your life. I can't guarantee how or how long it will take but it's the first step that's the hardest - or for the sex addicts it's the fist step. A poor gag to end on, but then again sex addicts like a gag. Don't we chaps?

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans