It happened around midday. I was at work. My new work. Work that offers great potential and opportunity. Work I have been offered because they obviously believe I can deliver. Work I am qualified and experienced to do. Work I can and will enjoy doing.
Yet why is it at midday I suddenly thought to myself, "Fuck me I'll never be able to do this. Surely they'll find out I'm a fraud soon. I'm not good enough."
I know most people don't like work. I get that. I've written about it in the past. I even criticised where I worked in the City before, which probably lost me my job. "Today I updated the business card database. Kill me now."
But this time it's not the job, or the organisation because it's all superb. The people are superb, the job is superb. It's all groovy. What wasn't superb today was my head.
Now in the past I've hated the thought of commuting. I hated the thought of being chained to a desk 8 hours a day. I hated being packed on a train like a sardine sniffing the armpit of a badly dressed man all the way into London. I hated seeing the throngs of people miserably walking over Waterloo bridge on their way into a job they only do in order to spend a few hours in the evening and weekend doing the stuff they have to work all week to be able to barely afford to do.
I had all that in the past. That was my attitude. Not today.
Today I was one of the plankton on Waterloo Bridge and I didn't mind. I didn't mind going into the office one bit. Didn't mind Going to work. I'm lucky to have the job for Gawds sake!! As I said the work is good. I just had a major attack of self doubt and low self esteem at lunchtime.
It doesn't really matter what brought it on. Circumstance. Childhood. Long held beliefs. Old behaviours. Old thinking. Alcoholism. Lack of meetings. My girlfriend not being adoring enough. Realisation I have taken on a big grown up job. Could be a number of things.
What matters is what I did about it. Did I curl up on the floor and start crying? No - that wouldn't look cool on day 4 in the new office. Did I start deflecting my inner pain and start putting others down. No, again not cool on day 4 or indeed any other day. Did I immediately nip out and down 4 shots of vodka? No because I'm a recovering alcoholic and 12 years sober.
What I did was nothing. I felt uncomfortable. I felt slightly needy on something or someone to fill up the self doubt. I tried 6 silk cut and 2 bottles of diet coke. Didn't work. I tried 4 cups of tea. Didn't work. I tried texting some sex chat to my girlfriend. She was busy. Didn't work. I tried calling someone. It did work. For 5 mins then the head came back.
So I just got on with work, did what I had to do, drove to a black tie dinner, sat in Tube Strike traffic for 2 hours, got to the dinner late, sat next to a guy who was now clean and sober for 3 years from heavy coke addiction and the most ultra positive man in the world and chewed the fat for a few hours. I had a laugh, networked my little Beckham looking ass off and got home at 12.30am.
I feel OK. The negative voice that was so loud earlier has now quietened to a feint little one at the back of my head.
Basically I'm saying it's OK to have doubts. I have heard editor's of national newspapers, people in positions of power saying, 'I'm still waiting to be found out'. It's quite common apparently.
So it's OK. They aren't real and eventually pass. It's only a feeling. I just found it odd that it came on when I woke up feeling so good. That little self esteem can fluctuate at any time. My job is not to act out on it. Simple
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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