If you would have said to me at 18 years old. "When you're 41 Nicholas, on a Saturday night, you will be sitting indoors, with your woman, sober, drinking tea, eating Jammie dodgers, watching TV and enjoying it." I would have replied, "Kill me now. What a boring bastard"
When you're 18 all you want to do is party. Saturday nights are mandatory to go out on the lash. And Friday, and any other night of the week come to think of it. The thought of not drinking, being sober was death by boredom.
So it begs the question is being sober boring? Does not going out make you dull?
I had an almost pathological need to go out. Inside was a great fear that I was boring if I didn't go out. Staying in confirmed it. I always thought I was missing out. Always needing to find the best bar, the best party. I needed to be in the mix.
I always aspired to the 'groovy gang' in pubs, clubs and bars. Always thinking if I fell in with a cool crowd it would sort my life out. Trouble is I always ended up in the Tooting Broadway Snooker Club. The coolest thing about that place was a 24 hour bar. Come to think of it the khazi was pretty chilly too.
I still pursued this illusion that if I went to all the right bars, pubs and clubs. If I drank. If I got off my face, It would mean I had an exciting life. It would mean I wasn't boring. It would mask all the problems inside right? Wrong!
Pursuing that is a waste of time. If you go to certain places or hang out with certain people it doesn't stop you being dull if you're dull. 'Going out' isn't a badge of honour to be interesting. It just means you go to more expensive places, spend more money on more expensive drinks and meet other superficial people who are equally as concerned as being seen in all the right places wearing all the right clothes to maintain the image of coolness and excitement. It's generally an illusion.
If you're dull you're dull. If your boring, you're boring. No matter if your at home or in the Sky bar at the Hilton Park Lane. It's inside what, not where you go, what you wear or what you do. It took me a long time to understand that.
I'm not tarring everyone with that brush. Millions of people go out. Going out, socially drinking and taking drugs is fun. For people without addiction problems it's normal and I encourage it. It's a release from normal life. It's good to have fun!!!
I'm just highlighting the people (and I include myself in this) who did it to mask and cover up internal feelings of low self esteem and the fear of being boring. Being unhappy. That's when it becomes a sham. I hate superficiality. Drives me insane.
By end of my drinking I felt far more comfortable in proper old fashioned male drinking arenas called 'the traditional pub'. Otherwise known as shit holes. These were theme bars for alcoholism. No juke box, no food, no entertainment, no soft furnishings, posh nuts or quiz night. Just men drinking on their own in silence. Miserable and alone. Perfect!
In early sobriety, weekend's were awful. The hours on Friday and Saturday night's felt like weeks, Passing slowly and painfully. It felt like the world had ended. It was officially the end of fun as I knew it. No more drinking. No more blackouts, arrests, hospitalisations, scars, arguments, hangovers and all the other great stuff I would enjoy about my drinking. No more adventure!
Your mind would say, "everyone in the world is out having fun, except for me." It was Painful.
"I'm going to have to sit around in draughty church halls on a Friday and Saturday night forever. My life is over", was the common thought in my early days of AA. "I will NEVER go out again."
Old attitudes died hard. I still felt the compulsion to go out. The urge to drink, go out and cause mayhem was intense. But by going to meetings continually, sharing I hated them and felt lonely and that my life was over, whilst the old timers smirked knowingly at the back, helped to let those feelings go.
I would walk back from meetings at 11pm and see the full truth of what a Friday or Saturday Night looked like when on the piss.
Pissed People looked like zombies, fights, shouting at each other, puking up, pissing in doorways, fat couples snogging. Carnage. You look at any town centre at the weekend and it's all the same. I wasn't missing out. If you go to posh places it's exactly the same, except it's people with bigger sofas.
I distinctly remember the turning point. Where I thought it's OK not to go out. It was Friday night. I was 18 months sober. I was in Homebase and walking around looking for a lamp. It was 9pm. The music on the tannoy was playing Roy Orbison's 'I drove all night'. I found myself humming along, looking at lamps on a Friday night in Homebase, sober. I laughed, thought, 'It's OK not to go out and be sober', smiled at the insanity and felt good. It's OK to be sober.
Another turning point was snogging a world famous female at her house late one Friday night after a meeting. I thought to myself, 'this never happened In Tooting Broadway Snooker Club when I was drinking." Sobriety is not dull.
The thing I like about sobriety is that by nature I am a raging alcoholic lunatic on the inside. Now that I am 12 years sober Most people know me as a reasonably sensible sober man. I don't get arrested, lose phones, end up in fights, abuse people, get beaten up. I don't go to loads of bars, pubs and clubs. I don't drink or use drugs. I am the sort of person I would have classified as 'boring' when I was 18.
But that's what I love about sober alcoholics. Because underneath I am a nutcase. Sometimes it's a little frustrating when you go out and people ask you if you drink, you say 'no' and you can see them lose interest in you immediately. Classifying you as 'boring'.
There is a difference between tea-totallers and recovering alcoholics. The general attitude to people who don't drink is 'don't trust them'! Puritanical! Do gooders! Morally superior! Boring! If only they know. Christ a few hours with me drinking and those people would be thinking, 'fuck me he needs to go to AA'.
The bottom line is sobriety is not dull. People are dull. I used drink and drug because I thought I was dull. I thought it made me less dull. Make sense? I've found out in sobriety I am not dull. I've been though everything you can imagine to try and prove to myself I'm not dull. From chasing women, swinging, sex, fetish, marathons, endurance sports, water sports (wink wink)
Now I've come to the realisation It's not what you do that makes your life exciting it's YOU that makes your life exciting. Whether you go out or not. It's Inside what counts.
Yes of course I get lazy and can't be arsed to go out. Sometimes I'm not very sociable and need to force myself to get out there and have fun. But now I know I can do it for the right reasons and I don't need a badge of honour or VIP access to a club to boost my ego.
How attitudes change. That's why sitting down last night with a Jammie Dodger and cup of tea watching TV, sober on a Saturday night was OK. I enjoyed it. Mind you it helped having wild sexy time with my girlfriend earlier in the evening. That always helps a Saturday night go so much better and makes the Jammie Dodger taste all the more better. (Too much information and she'll bloody kill me for sharing it with you)
Sober is Not Dull!
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
How attitudes change. I enjoyed it. I mean who wouldn't enjoy a Jammie Dodger and cup of tea?
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