Day 42 - Self Management

How many of you are good at regulating your behaviour? Do you at all? Do you check yourself? Reflect?

It's not something I've been very good. I've tended to react to things immediately and act in my feelings. I put it down to being Welsh. Passionate. Emotional. Or sometimes a twat.

In my drinking days it was easy to put it down to alcohol, being drunk or hung-over. But what about when you're sober and haven't drunk for 12 years? What can you put it down to there?

It's trial and error. A journey of change. For me, I have the benefit of a spiritual 12 step programme to help me gain self knowledge and understanding of my behaviour. That's a good thing but I can assure you there have and are many times in my sobriety when I act badly. Just because your sober and in a 12 step programme doesn't mean to say you become a monk and well overnight.

Years of sobriety don't guarantee you emotional sobriety. Many addicts/alcoholics in recovery still act weirdly and in the madness from time to time. I know I do and sobriety is a massive learning curve of change. It happens slowly over time and it only happens when it's ready to happen. In many stages. In many ways.

I'm not saying that in a puritanical or 'I'm above you', way. As if people who don't have 12 step programmes are somehow less than or in the dark. That is not the case, some people are blessed with tremendous self management and regulation. Fuck knows how but they do.

I wasn't. I have had to learn the hard way. Basically by fucking up loads of times and getting things wrong. Sometimes time and again. They say the only way to reach humility is by humiliation. Lord knows I've done that one many times.  I still have much to learn and am certainly not the finished article. But I'm enjoying the process and journey. It is fascinating.

So to today. How did I self manage.

It's a very fine line between self management and stubbornness. After all I have met many people who simply will not ask for help, continually try to 'sort things' themselves and you can see there is a hurricane going on behind their eyes. That generally brings unhappiness.

Then there are the people who refuse to take responsibility and take charge of their own destiny and will ring a sponsor or adviser to make a decision for them. Again that is unhealthy and smacks of co-dependence.

Me? I'm trying to find the balance. Not something that comes easy to a lunatic alcoholic.

So what was it that made me uncomfortable about myself today? it's nothing major. Almost mundane. But it made me wince slightly at my behaviour.

I thought about my day at work. I did well. I was present. In level 3 thinking for most of the day, was 'up' and interested. On the way home I reflected. I realise I put a colleague down to someone else today. I did it very subtly and not in a malicious way, but I overplayed my role in a meeting and underplayed his. Why? Because I see him as a threat.

The clouds didn't part. I didn't character assassinate and the day passed smoothly. But on the way home I thought back to what I said to two people and it didn't sit right with me. This is new to me. It's called a conscience I believe. I've been used to lying every time I open my mouth. The only way I have been able to get away with it in my soul is because I know I have a good heart.

Trouble is I've been an arrogant lying bastard at some points in my life and this was an ever so subtle manifestation of that kind of thinking/behaviour.

Now I'm not being all holier than thou here. Or beating myself up for a slight error. But it's a good example of developing a strong inner moral compass. I didn't need to do it. It serves no purpose. All I need to do is concentrate on my behaviour and performance and the rest will take care of itself. I don't need to be involved in manipulating someone Else's performance.

I hate office politics, back stabbing and gossip. I have always stayed away from that. So on the way home, as I ducked under yet another smelly armpit on the packed tube I told myself, 'Don't ever put him down again. Leave things be and concentrate on myself."

Let's see if I can heed my own advice.

PS - sometimes this blog sounds like I'm really well and coming up with all the answers. I'm not. I just thought I'd highlight something that was triggered in me today. I still smoked loads of fags, drank 2 diet cokes and tutted at a tiny woman who was in my way at Waterloo. When she turned round I could see she was wearing a hearing aid and mostly deaf. The tut literally did fall on deaf ears. Told you I still have lots to learn

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans