Monday 169 - Monday 18th June - Mental Ilness and sucking your own cock

It's a killer headline isn't it? 'Mental illness and sucking your own cock' should be the title of a new self help bestseller, or better still health and safety film for schools.

Why the title? Well today was quite possibly one of the worst on record. Back in London, at home, Nan in bad shape and i was on phone all day trying to deal with repercussions of total insanity, manic depression, mental illness and carnage. I can't really give details (even i apparently have to keep things less public sometimes) But it was fucking harsh and totally insane.

Mental illness i have come to accept is a terrible affliction. True manic depression when untreated can result in enormous highs where the sufferer can basically appear real and normal to most people but the damage they can do in fantasy land can really cause harm to everyone. people, families, communities, reputations, bank balances, emotions, the lot.

It's become a little trendy to say  'im a little depressed' or i 'maybe I'm 'bi polar'. Well fuck that. Either you are or you're not. I've seen it as cop out to some people, like they want a label, an excuse. But others i have witnessed for 20 years are truly mentally ill and fuck me man, it's harsh. really harsh and upsetting. A most underrated and devastating illness

I shall investigate more i think this year, as i genuinely believe it is another of those 'sweep under the carpet; destructive illnesses like alcoholism that society struggles to accept.

Today was spent right in the depths of it and it made my head & heart hurt.

Then in the afternoon i went for a costume try out for the Tesco advert I'm filming on Weds (I play a yoga teacher for 4 seconds. I'm big time now) It involved me trying on a series of vests and shorts that made me look in my eyes someone who should be on the sex offenders list. Granted, it's an unusual market Tescos want to aim for, but hey, every little helps. Maybe nonce's have a higher disposable income.

I had my 'call back' last week by Skype with the director in the boardroom at a company i work at. I shut the door for privacy, we Skpyed (love Skype) and he asked me to do a few bendy contortionist postures. I was in my suit, so i took off my jacket and tried a few postures.

I finished by trying to put my leg behind my head whilst sat down. Now for anyone that tries this move. It makes your head lower toward your middle area, and basically makes guys look like they are trying to suck their own cock. I was in this position when someone opened the door, walked in, saw me in position, looked horrified and walked out. The fact that i looked like i was talking to myself didn't help.

I've only worked there 2 weeks and already they think i try to suck myself off in the boardroom. #gotsomeexplainingtodo.

I'm filming on Weds so at least that brought light relief if not self.

it was then to rooting Tooting for my meeting. Caught in heavy traffic on the way i genuinely thought i was going to explode. All kinds of things were rushing through my head. i received an update on the 'situation', the jams got longer and i thought 'fuck this', 'i'm going to bin this commitment', sod AA, sod everything. I was resentful, sorry for myself and angry.

I finally got there with 2 minutes to spare and proceeded to sit through the best meeting ever. I listened intently, it was full of laughter, people laughing at their own insanity, misfortune and pain. It really helped to lighten my load and not take myself too seriously. Gave me perspective, calmed me, made me humble and basically sorted my head out. That is why i still go. That is why it works for me, particularly in Tooting, my home group and a proper AA meeting.

Then it was back home to eat (had nothing all day) and practice some more bendy yoga postures for Weds, or is it really to try and suck my own cock. I swear to god it's just L4 on the vertebrae, if it wasn't for that I'd be noshing off all day.

So the day closed, full on and stressful but survived. I hope that's the worst of it and tomorrow will be back to normal, if indeed you can call life normal. I guess i just got to keep faith, try my best and leave the big stuff up to God. The rest, as they say is all noise

xx