I've got to admit, i wasn't really up for today. I woke up and immediately thought 'Nah'.
I know my Nan was an 'up' person. She wasn't a moaner, naval gazer or did self pity. She certainly never did depression or wallowed in problems. She was rarely down or talked about 'feelings' .She got up and at em, was grateful for small things and got on with things. That's why in a way from that era she almost seemed superhuman. I think people from that era were proper hardcore.
I on the other hand don't seem to be naturally blessed with these qualities. I have to work hard to get them. So today i woke with a massive black cloud and wanted to spend the entire day isolating, laying on the sofa eating donuts and watching endless reruns of 'Escape to the Country'. Anything mind numbing to mong out with.
I didn't of course (I'd never watch that shit, only Flog it! )
It's been such a harsh 10 days, my head just sort of fell off this morning. First it was the psychotic family member, then the fallout from that, then the whole drama's on Monday and finally my poor Nan's death on Weds night. I'm not sure how the fuck I'm feeling really.
Yes I'm sad. Quite rightly too. I mean a loss of anyone is hard, but obviously me Nan was a biggy. Because she was like that, you almost thought she would never die. That she would go on forever. I almost took it for granted that she was so alert and on the ball. Even up to 2 weeks ago when the illness was ravaging her, i could see her watching and so mentally alert. Remembering details from the past, correcting people. Even last weekend she was so ill and weak, the nurses said she was trying to walk. She just had this incredible fight. I'm not even sure it was a conscious thing with her. i think she just had it.
So of course I'm sad. But also empty, emotionally fucked. I have been so up for the crisis. Being solid, strong and sorting stuff out. I am definately a man for a crisis. I don't seem to have time to think, it comes naturally and i just get on with it. I do what i consider real men should do.
It's the afterwards that floors me. The time when there is quiet. When the storm has calmed. I am then left with me, myself and I. That's the part i find tough. I want to escape, i want to wallow, i want to fight, fuck, eat, isolate, I want to feel the pain and escape it. I find life, work, people hard. I don't know what i want.
Today i wanted to be looked after. To be loved. To be hugged and held. I'd given all i could over the past few days now i wanted my turn. Where's my love? But that's self pity right? Not very strong is it?My head is so full of years of resentments, low self esteem all raked up, and throw grief, sadness and loss into the mix and man, no wonder all i could handle was Cash In The Attic.
The funeral is next Friday and my Mum has asked me say a eulogy at the service. It will be an honour. I'm not sure what to write or say at the moment but I'm sure the right words will come to me. It won't be about me or my thoughts, it will be all of ours. I am merely a channel for everyone's own memories. If i take that attitude it will be easier and a wonderful opportunity to honour her and her life.
I spoke to a friend about his Nan and we agreed that Nan's are the true hardcore. His Nan had a dodgy wrist, which turned out to be broken. She finally admitted she had fallen 2 weeks before but didn't want to make a fuss!!!! Holy fuck yet another IronNan. They really were made of stern stuff.
Like her my Nan was born in 1915. She was raised in a totally different time by strong hard matriarch type Welsh women. Feelings were not discussed, money was sparse and they had to be grateful for what they had. This clearly stood her in good stead.
He generation went through 2 World Wars, depression, austerity, poverty. Proper character building.
They didn't talk about boundaries, or 'feelings', they didn't chase power or possessions, they didn't check into rehab for mild depression or seek counselling for half arsed problems. They didn't call the doctor for a pill or potion, they didn't look for quick fixes. They were hardcore. They were tough.
That's not to say that counselling, or rehab or medication is not a good thing. of course it is for people that really need it, but she belonged to an era where you tried your hardest, didn't try to get things immediately and lived life in the right way, with morality, goodness and gratitude. Fuck me, the opposite to what i am. Maybe i need to think about that?
Today i spoke to my Mum who relayed a weird story about Brymoor Road. She stripped my Nan's bed, folded and placed the bedding and pillows on the bed. She went out of the room and when she came back in all of it was on the floor. Now my Mum is a proper Mum, meaning she meticulously does bedding folding and places on middle of bed, not precariously on the end and folded shit like us blokes (if we would ever bother doing such a thing anyway) - She said out loud 'You're here aren't you Mum', and then she heard the bed sigh.
Sent tingles up my spine, found it comforting. I love that. She had lived in that house for 75 years. She will come back to the house in her coffin next week and be in state for local community to pay their respects (AWelsh thing) before, at her request, she will be taken out of Brymoor Road 'feet first' to the funeral. Why wouldn't her spirit be in the house? I love stories like that. It makes me believe there is a higher spirit, there is more to this planet than the here and now. Higher Power anyone?
In the end i got my arse up & out to a lunchtime meeting, did a bit of work, coffee with a pal, hardcore session in the gym and then spent the night writing, watching footie and rather tragically 'Officer and a Gentleman'. When feeling blue i always seem to watch chick flicks and cry at the most inappropriate films. I remember after my father died i cried at a Meg Ryan film (made me feel dirty) and i even wailed at Rocky II. God help me.
In truth it's OK to be sad. it's OK to be down. It's OK to isolate, or to act out or to do whatever it is you feel. What isn't OK is Escape to the Country. A full day watching that and i reckon I'd be joining my Nan. Love you Cariad
xx
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