Oh god Monday - totally pissed down all day long. Fuck me It was almost biblical. As if God had been on the lagers all night and was having the longest Massive Horse Piss (MHP) ever.
The Sky's were grey, the wind was high & it rained all day. Depressing at the best of times but for me it totally reflected the inside of my head. Today was the equivalent of a night out with a depressive on tramadol. Nagging, negative and lethargic all day and that was just my head.
Ground out the day in the office, ticking things off my list but operating at somewhere between 30-40%. I was pedestrian to say the least today. If ever i felt like putting in a shift on the sofa it was today. However i got things done despite my head.
I wrote my gratitude list, prayed and 'suited up, booted up and showed up', hoping my head would eventually catch up with my feet. It never happened. I hid it well though.
After work i went to the Gym to watch the England game whilst cycling. I thought they actually did OK and quite enjoyed it. I then proceeded to show why i should do more meetings and change my thinking as a guy was in the free weights section i have clearly had a burning resentment about for 2 months.
He's big, slightly fat and storms around the place like he's Jay fucking Z. Listening to his Ipod loudly, making rapper signs with his hand, throwing weights around, grunting, shouting 'come on one more gggrrrrrr', and generally in my Opinion being a world class prick. Is he ranked as the world's biggest c**t?
I was doing some wide arm pull ups to try and develop more muscle to divert attention from my mortifying hairy back (an awful product of nearing my 40's) when he sort of boxed me in doing some chest presses he could have done anywhere. I called upon all my 12 years spiritual sobriety experience in AA of acceptance, live and let live and easy does it by saying to him, 'do you have to f**** do that there. It;s not your own personal gym. Can't you wait for 10 seconds?' Never really a good idea to say that to anyone really let alone a beast clearly loaded on steroids and muscle builder. He didn't take too kindly.
I also stood my ground like some kind of Gay spaniel in Lycra, and he stormed off. I felt elated and then immediately embarrassed. It was a huge over reaction on my part. I immediately wanted to apologise, but pride stopped me. He wasn't at fault. I was. I created conflict and all he does is his own thing. So what if he raps into the mirror. So what he groans as if he;s had his piles pierced. So what if he does stalk around like Karry Katonia on an OK shoot. He wasn't the prick. I was. Time for a meeting i thought.
So off i went, listening to Radio 5Live in the car. There was a phone in about the game, and everyone calling in was so fucking negative. Moaning on about how shit England were, how crap the players were, the manager,blah blah bah. It was like Eastenders for Christ Sake. All egged on by the presenter Alan Green, a weird looking oddball who is a commentator but has clearly believed his own hype and is an ego maniac and a total c**t to boot. He was scathing and negative.
I personally thought that was harsh, that England did OK and it was a decent performance. Anyway the calls kept coming. Negative upon negative moans. Until finally a guy rang up and said I'm not sure of you've been watching the game but England were OK and played pretty well. The temerity of it, Alan Green took umbrage, said it's all a matter of opinions, told the guy not to take himself too seriously (Ironic really seeing as that was something Alan had been doing for around 40 minutes) and cut him off. Gone. Obviously he was too positive.
Clearly the mandate for the show was to be as miserable, moan and negative as possible. It was awful;. I had to switch off, although i thought no matter how negative i am at least I'm not like those f****g pricks. In case you non football followers don't know who Alan Green is, here he is;
The only thing you need to know about him is he is a commentator for the BBC, hosts a fans Radio moan in and takes himself far too seriously. If you are still not sure. He is a man who wears a tie with a leather jacket. Enough said. Low self esteem and high ego anyone? I would like to nominate him as today's world's biggest c**t. Worse than an idiot. He is Chairman of the board. Lord Chief C**t of C**ty Manor.
I then went to the meeting and received what i needed that overturned my negative self obsessed miserable ungrateful head i had been carrying all day. Identification and Perspective. The Pressure eased and i was able to laugh at myself and my ridiculous crabbiness.. Phew. I love AA at Trinity Road. Proper.
I spoke to my Nan. She is unwell, in bed, can barely eat, My Mother is besides herself with worry, yet my nan still told me to eat properly, filled me In where Uncle Ken was, and to 'take care of myself'. When i talked to my Mum i could hear my Nan in the background telling her what to say, talking over her. So her spirit is still in tact. Oldschool.
I miss that 3 way conversation, like my Nan was on speaker phone in the background, feeding my Mum information to tell me, and my Mum telling her to be quiet as i waited on the phone listening and smiling as those 2 bickered each other. Class
So the day ended alot better than it started. I'm so lucky. Now, where is that leather jacket. i reckon it will look right smashing with a tie. I won't look like a mentally ill person at all.Eh Alan?
xx
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