Wall to wall news coverage of the Queen's 60 years on the throne. No wonder she rarely smiles. The poor womans' constipated. Never mind giving her a concert with Cliff Richard and Elton John. Get her some Senekot. Quick. Only Elvis sat on the throne for longer, and look what happened to him.
The UK has started the celebrations like it only knows how. Snapping up anything vaguely British from flags, napkins, cups, tea towels and bunting. Oh god bunting. Everywhere. The ironic thing is all of these products are made in China. How they are clearing up for the Jubilee.
The usual mad dash on a Friday for a long bank holiday weekend ensued. People panic buying all kinds of shit like Asda was going to shut down for 5 weeks. Beers, BBQ's, bunting. There was a general air of mild panic and anticipation in the air.
The Queen is pretty remarkable. 60 years of stoic duty. Of Poker Face. wheeling out smiling, waving, meeting heads of state, being a figure head for UK. Almost like a Royal Jimmy Saville, but with less rings, cigar smoke and hint of kiddie fiddling allegations.
But what are we really celebrating? Yes, it's a double bank holiday. 4 days off. A long weekend. Now for some that means getting totally wankered for 4 whole days (not for me anymore), for others it means a chance to do that DIY you've been putting off for 15 years. For others it means spending time with the family and relaxing and joining in with the street parties, even though you hate everyone on your estate.
Street parties are odd. I remember the silver Jubilee when i was 5, a street party was so exciting. Like dinner time but outside and with the longest table you had ever seen. Wow. Now, as an adult the street party is a ball ache ever. Sitting down on a wonky table clad in cheap union jack plastic table cloth,. on a wonky chair, with a cheap plastic Union jack hat and a chicken leg. Surrounded by neighbours you don't mind saying good morning too, but anything more than 40 seconds in their presence is 35 seconds too long. I hate them.
It;s like Christmas day but on a mass scale. Compulsory cheerfulness. Oh god it's so fucking suburban. Kill me now. If you have kids then of course you have to go, but for single 39 year old men it just looks weird. You may aswell just go and sit in a playground on your own. It's a no go.
I'm going down to Llanelli tomorrow, where it is a traditionally Royalist town. Well apart from the unemployed Drug Addicts, Polish Immigrants and single teenage mothers.Thats 60% of the town then, but certainly the old school comunity will be well up for it. My Nan was so excited. it will be a jubille party in her hospice on Sunday.
Most people love the Queen though as she's granted everyone 2 Bank holdidays. They couldn't give a toss about 60 year Jubilee but 2 extra days off. Well the Queen's alright in my book.
It's great if you have stuff planned or have company but terrible if you're on you're on your own or don't have much to do.
Then it becomes the longest lonliest dragging weekend of all. Especially as most if not all of the country are seemingly having a marvelous time. Everyone apart from you that is. Then it can be the longest time of all. There is only one thing for it. Centreparks and prozac.
The holiday well and truly kick off today as i heard on the radio there was a 25 mile tailback on the M25 and a 3 hour delay, Fuck me, travelling to get away for the Bank Holiday break is going to feel like a 60 year seat on the throne. My arse is hurting at the thought of it. Bet she's got splinters.
So i'm going to launch myself into the Jubilee weekend and massed hysterical celebrations. I'm off to buy some bunting, specially commemerative shortbread biscuits, tea towel, plate, mug, vicotria sponge, cakes, paper cups, commerative plate & flags. I'm going to queue up in my car in traffic for 4 hours, then i'm going to pitch a space by the river for a great view for the Boat Paegant on Sunday, get piss wet from the shit bank holiday weather and then buy some earplugs so i don;t have to listen to the super mundane line up for the special concert at Buckingham Palace on Monday.
What is it a Bank Holiday or summat?
x
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